Lactose Puns
1. I cheddar the thought of being lactose intolerant.
2. What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese!
3. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
4. I read a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down!
5. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
6. What kind of cheese do you use to disguise a small horse? Mascarpone!
7. What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese!
8. They say you cut the cheese. I say I sliced it.
9. I made a joke about a pizza earlier, but it was too cheesy.
10. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
11. I kneaded to make a bread pun but it would’ve been pretty crumby.
12. Want to hear a construction joke? Nah, I’m still working on it.
13. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
14. I don’t trust those trees. They seem kinda shady.
15. You know you’re lactose intolerant when you can’t stomach cheese puns.
Lactose One-Liners
16. I’m so lactose intolerant that if I eat cheese, I brie-come the diary area.
17. I asked the waiter for something lactose free and he said “how dairy ask for that.”
18. I once knew a guy who was addicted to drinking milk, but he ended up quiting cold turkey.
19. I love puns about lactose, it really milks the humor out of them.
20. They say too much dairy causes congestion, but I’ve never herd that brie-fore.
21. Did you hear about the angry cheese? It was in a bad mozzarella.
22. I’m so lactose intolerant that if I eat ice cream, I get creamed.
23. Why was the lactose intolerant man sad? He couldn’t have his cake and eat cheese too.
24. Want to hear a cheesy pirate joke? I’d tell you but it’s too gouda.
25. I asked my doctor if drinking milk past the expiration was safe. He said it was fine as long as it wasn’t sour cream.
Best Lactose Jokes
26. A man with severe lactose intolerance walked into an ice cream shop. The owner asked, “What can I get for you?” The man replied, “Just some ice, please.”
The owner looked confused and said, “Ice? Don’t you want some ice cream or gelato?” The man shook his head and said, “Nope, just ice will do.” The owner shrugged and handed the man a cup of ice.
The man took the ice, went to sit at a table and proceeded to sprinkle some lactase enzyme over it. He then happily ate his “lactose-free ice cream” while everyone stared at him awkwardly.
27. Sally was out to dinner with her boyfriend when she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her stomach. “Oh no, I think that cheesecake we just ate had dairy in it!” she groaned.
Her boyfriend laughed, “Come on Sally, don’t be so dramatic! It was just a little cheese.” But within minutes, Sally had dashed to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
When she finally emerged, her boyfriend teased, “I cheese to believe you’re lactose intolerant, but now I’m convinced.”
28. Dave was out at a nice restaurant on a first date. Everything was going well until the waiter came by and asked if they’d like to see the dessert menu.
“Ooh, yes please!” Dave’s date exclaimed. “I’d love to see what delicious desserts you have.”
The waiter handed them the dessert menu filled with creamy cheesecakes, milkshakes, and more. Dave started sweating nervously as he skimmed it.
“Um, actually, could I just get a black coffee?” Dave mumbled. “I’m…uh…lactose intolerant.”
His date looked surprised. “Really? Wow, you poor thing. I couldn’t imagine life without ice cream!”
Dave nodded solemnly. “It’s been ruff…”
29. Sarah was out at a nice Italian restaurant with her new boyfriend, excited for him to try her favorite cheesy baked ziti. When it arrived, she eagerly watched his reaction as he took the first bite.
“Mmm, this is really good!” he said. Sarah smiled and started eating too. But suddenly, her boyfriend’s face turned pale.
“What’s wrong?” Sarah asked.
“I uh…just remembered that I’m lactose intolerant,” he replied sheepishly. Within seconds, loud gurgling sounds started emanating from his stomach.
Sarah couldn’t help but laugh. “Seriously? On our first date?”
He nodded, mortified. “Talk about making a really gouda first impression,” he joked through the pain.
30. Kelly was super excited for her birthday cake this year – it was going to be a delicious ice cream cake from her favorite bakery. She hadn’t had one in years due to her lactose intolerance.
After dinner, her dad emerged from the kitchen holding the most beautiful chocolate and vanilla ice cream cake. “Make a wish, darling!” he said.
Kelly closed her eyes, made a wish, and blew out the candles. As she dug into the first creamy bite, her face suddenly contorted.
“What’s wrong?” her mom asked.
“Brain freeze?” her dad guessed.
Kelly shook her head. “Nope…lactose intolerance flaring up. Of course this would happen on my birthday!” she sighed.
Her family cracked up laughing. “Oh Kelly, we’re so sorry!” her mom said. “I cheese to think we could sneak some dairy by you, but clearly that was a mistake.”
31. James was out on a hot summer day when he decided to stop for an ice cream cone. He ordered a double scoop of chocolate chip cookie dough – his favorite.
He took one lick and suddenly felt a rumbling in his stomach. Uh oh, he thought. Within seconds, he had to make a mad dash for the bathroom with diarrhea.
When James came out, the ice cream shop owner looked at him sympathetically. “Oof, hit you hard, eh?”
James nodded. “Maybe I should’ve gotten lactose-free ice cream.”
“Nah,” the owner replied. “It probably still would’ve churned your stomach!”
32. Eddie was excited to try the new mac and cheese food truck in town. He waited in the long line and finally got a steaming bowl of the gooey, cheesy pasta.
After a few decadent bites, Eddie suddenly turned pale and broke out in a sweat. “Oh no,” he groaned, as his stomach started making loud gurgling noises.
He barely made it to a trash can before vomiting up the mac and cheese. The food truck owner saw the whole thing unfold and came over to check on him.
“You ok, man?”
Eddie gave a weak thumbs up. “Yeah, sorry about that. I’m lactose intolerant – I make bad life choices sometimes.”
33. Jessica was out on a dinner date when she ordered fettuccine alfredo, forgetting about the heavy cream in the sauce. Within minutes of taking a few bites, she had horrible gas pains.
“Excuse me, I’ll be right back!” she said, dashing for the bathroom. After explosively relieving herself, she came back to the table red-faced.
“Sorry about that…I’m lactose intolerant but it slipped my mind,” she admitted.
Her date laughed. “No worries! I once made the same mistake with mac and cheese. I guess neither of us can just milk those cheesy dishes for all they’re worth, huh?”
34. Dan was hanging out with his buddies, excited for the big Super Bowl party ahead. When his friend emerged from the kitchen carrying two trays loaded with nachos, Dan did a double take.
“Uhhh are those real cheese nachos?” Dan asked hesitantly.
His friend chuckled. “Of course, man! Only the best for the big game.”
Dan forced a smile and nervously took a chip loaded with melted cheese. Within minutes, he was running for the bathroom while his confused friends watched.
When Dan returned, his buddy teased him: “Leaving so soon? Don’t you want to stick gouda for the rest of the nachos?”
35. Emily was out on a romantic picnic with her boyfriend at the park. He had packed all of her favorite foods – including a cheese and meat platter.
Emily slowly realized her mistake as she nibbled on the Gouda cheese. Her stomach started making loud gurgling noises.
“Oh no…how could I forget I’m lactose intolerant?” she groaned.
Her boyfriend chuckled as she made a mad dash for the bathroom. When Emily returned, he shook his head and teased: “Babe, you really need to stop milking your lactose intolerance for all it’s worth during our dates!”
36. Mark was excited for his friend’s birthday party at a fondue restaurant. But as they were cooking meat and veggies in the steaming cheese pots, Mark suddenly remembered he was lactose intolerant.
“Uhh, I’ll be right back,” Mark said, slowly getting up from the table while clenching his stomach.
After destroying the bathroom, Mark came back looking ill. His friend cracked up laughing and said, “Geez Mark, way to really milk your lactose intolerance for all it’s worth tonight!”
37. For Rachel’s birthday, her husband surprised her with tickets to an ice cream festival downtown. As they sat down with their sundaes, Rachel’s stomach started gurgling loudly.
“Oh no…I forgot about my lactose intolerance!” she groaned.
Her husband shook his head. “Seriously, honey? On your birthday? I cheese to think I could pull off this surprise.”
Rachel gave him an apologetic look before making a mad dash for the port-a-potties, her half-eaten sundae melting away in the heat.
38. For their anniversary, Kevin took his girlfriend Lily on a romantic picnic complete with cheese, fruit, and wine. As Lily nibbled on the Brie, she suddenly paused.
“Wait a minute…I’m lactose intolerant!” she exclaimed.
Kevin slapped his forehead. “Oh wow, I can’t believe I forgot! I’m so sorry.”
Within minutes, Lily was desperately searching for a bathroom in the park.
When she returned, Kevin teased, “Was it really that gouda? Next time I’ll brie more thoughtful when planning our dairy-filled dates!”
39. James was excited to go out for ice cream with his new girlfriend. As they strolled into the parlor, the sweet smell of waffle cones filled the air.
“Mmm what flavor should I get?” James’ girlfriend wondered.
Panicked, James blurted out “Actually, I just remembered I’m lactose intolerant. I’ll wait outside while you go in.”
His girlfriend looked confused. “Oh, ok. Are you sure you don’t want to come in? They have sorbet too.”
But James had already dashed outside, his pants suddenly feeling a bit tighter.
40. For their first dinner date, William took Sarah out for Chinese food. He got them an appetizer of cream cheese wontons to share.
After eating one, Sarah suddenly turned pale. “Umm, actually, I’m lactose intolerant. I don’t think I can eat any more of these.”
William felt awful. “Oh no, I’m so sorry! I had no idea.”
Within minutes, loud gurgling sounds were coming from Sarah’s stomach. She made a mad dash for the bathroom while William just shook his head.
When she got back, William teased: “I cheese to think we could get through this date without any dairy disasters!”
41. For their friend’s housewarming party, Alex and Sofia stopped to pick up a cheesecake. “Oooh, New York style. Our friend will love this!” Sofia said excitedly.
At the party, Alex confidently served up slices of cheesecake to all the guests. He got to Sofia and paused. “Wait, you’re lactose intolerant…maybe you should skip this.”
Sofia laughed. “Alex, it’s just a little cheese, I’ll be fine.” She took a big bite and within minutes was running for the bathroom.
When Sofia emerged, red-faced, Alex teased “I really thought we could squeeze in some cheesecake before your lactose intolerance started acting up!”
42. For their first Thanksgiving together, Marie wanted to cook a fancy, multiple course meal for Eric’s family. The centerpiece was a creamy cauliflower and cheese soup.
As everyone sat down to eat, Marie watched nervously as Eric took his first spoonful. Suddenly, his eyes went wide.
“I’m so sorry, I totally forgot I’m lactose intolerant!” Eric said. Loud gurgling noises started coming from his stomach.
Marie buried her red face in her hands with embarrassment as Eric made a dash for the bathroom.
“Don’t worry, it’s just a little cheese!” Marie called out feebly.
43. Jack took his girlfriend Lisa out for a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner at an Italian restaurant. He ordered the chicken parmesan, while Lisa opted for the baked ziti.
As Lisa happily dug into the oozing, cheesy pasta, her stomach started to rumble. Uh oh, dairy!, she realized.
“Be right back!” Lisa said as she jumped up from the table. Jack watched in confusion as Lisa made a mad dash for the restroom.
When she returned, Jack laughed and teased: “I know the food here is really gouda, but let’s not milk your lactose intolerance for all it’s worth next time!”
44. For their first Christmas together, Brent wanted to surprise his girlfriend Emma with her favorite treats. He decked the house out and made homemade eggnog and sugar cookies.
On Christmas morning, Emma eagerly took a sip of the eggnog. Her face suddenly soured. “Oh no, I forgot eggnog has milk and cream!”
Brent was crestfallen as Emma ran to the bathroom. When she came back, Brent teased: “I cheese this would go fine, but I guess we really milked your lactose intolerance to the max!”
45. It was Casey’s birthday so his girlfriend took him out for a fancy dinner. At the end of the meal, the waiter approached with the dessert menu.
“We have a delicious chocolate lava cake with…” the waiter started.
“Sorry, I can’t have dairy,” Casey quickly interrupted.
His girlfriend looked surprised. “Wait, since when are you lactose intolerant?”
“Oh, uh, since always…” Casey mumbled, turning red.
Later, his girlfriend laughed and said: “It’s okay if you just wanted to save room for your birthday cake later!”