Wine Puns (20)
- I used to drink wine religiously, but now I’m more of an alcohol-ignostic.
- My friend got drunk on wine coolers last night. Today he’s suffering from a case of White Claw-ver.
- The sommelier described the wine’s bouquet as hints of oak and black currant. I thought it smelled more like old grape juice.
- I can quit drinking wine any time I want. I’m not wine-dependent.
- My wife asked why I was whispering. I told her I was afraid to wake the wine.
- Our dinner guests brought a cheap bottle of wine. I guess you could say it was more wine whining.
- I wanted to grow grapes, but the vines keep driving me crazy.
- If we run out of wine at this party, we’ll have to resort to plan Zin-fandel.
- My friend got kicked out of the wine tasting for inappropriate behavior. He was acting very corky.
- The vineyard had to fire the angry grape stomper. He had a real attitude problem and was always making wine.
- I’d tell you a wine joke, but I’m afraid it would go over your head. You have to have sophisticated taste.
- Working at the wine shop can be exhausting. I’m ready for my afternoon wine-down.
- My coworkers surprised me with a bottle of wine for my birthday. It was very thoughtful of them to wine about me.
- I accidentally knocked over a wine display at the grocery store. I guess you could say I’m a bit clumsy sauvignon.
- My friends and I decorated wine bottles for an art project. You could say we had a very creative wine and design session.
- I’m more of a wine enthusiast than a wine snob. I don’t need fancy wines, I’m just happy to wine a little.
- I wanted to enter the grape stomping contest, but couldn’t find a partner. So I’ve decided to wine solo.
- Working as a wine steward has it ups and downs. But helping people find the perfect wine makes it all worth it in the wine run.
- My friend got sick from drinking too much red wine. I told him he should switch to white wine instead. You know what they say, stick to your own vines.
- The winery was struggling, so they decided to implement a new mar-wine-keting strategy.
Wine One-Liners (20)
- I’d tell you a wine joke, but I don’t wanna wine about it.
- Want to hear a wine joke? Neither do I, so let’s drink instead.
- I was going to tell a wine joke, but I wasn’t feeling very pun-ky.
- I can’t think of any good wine jokes off the top of my head. I guess my comedy is a little too dry.
- A wine joke walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve wine jokes here.”
- Wanna hear a bad wine joke? Me neither, pour me another glass.
- Do you wanna hear a wine joke? Neither do I, let’s just drink this bottle instead.
- I wanted to tell you a wine joke, but all the good ones argon.
- I’m more of a wine-o than a comedian, so I’ll spare you the bad wine jokes.
- Wine about it? No thanks, I’d rather wine it up on the dance floor.
- Want to hear a wine joke? No thanks, I don’t have the stomach for bad comedy.
- Let’s wine a little, dance a lot, and skip the bad wine jokes.
- A wine joke walks into a bar, takes one look around, and walks right back out.
- I was going to tell you a wine joke, but I sobered up and thought better of it.
- Wanna hear a bad wine pun? No thanks, let’s just enjoy this bottle in peace.
- I’d tell you a wine joke but all the good ones have been taken. Let’s just say “cheers” instead!
- Do you want to hear a wine joke? Let’s just say it might fall flat, and leave it at that.
- Want to hear a wine joke? Let’s just say it’s corky, and leave it at that.
- I wanted to tell a wine joke – but I corked it up. Let’s just enjoy the bottle instead.
- A wine joke walks into a bar, takes one sip, and promptly leaves.
Best Wine Jokes (39)
41. My friend got completely drunk on red wine last night. This morning he woke up and said, “Ugh, I’m never drinking again!” Then he rolled over and saw the empty bottle on his nightstand and shouted, “Who drank my wine!?”
42. I went to a wine tasting event, but they quickly asked me to leave. Apparently “guzzling wine directly from the bottle” is considered inappropriate behavior.
43. I accidently knocked over an entire wine display at the grocery store the other day. There were shattered bottles and spilled wine everywhere – it looked like an alcohol-fueled crime scene. Now they make me bring my own paper bag when I shop there.
44. My friend got pulled over by the police last night and the officer asked if he had been drinking. He panicked and said, “Just water, officer!” The cop raised an eyebrow and said, “Water that can stain your shirt red?”
45. I told my boss I was late to work because my car got a flat tire. Turns out “a flat tire” isn’t an acceptable excuse when you come in reeking of chardonnay.
46. I brought a nice bottle of wine to a dinner party. The host said, “Thanks, but I don’t drink.” So I gave her the wine and drank the entire meal by myself.
47. My therapist told me I need to stop objectifying wine. But I can’t help it – wine has such an attractive bouquet, smooth legs, and a round full-bodied figure.
48. I took a wine appreciation class hoping it would make me more sophisticated. Turns out 4 glasses in and I still giggle every time someone says “tannins.”
49. I accidentally brought a 6-pack of beer to a wine tasting. They kicked me out, but not before I popped those puppies open and chugged them down. The wine snobs were not amused.
50. I told my date, “I’m sophisticated – I had 2 glasses of wine with dinner!” She said, “That’s barely a full glass. Let’s call you a cab.”
51. My friend threw up on her white carpet after drinking too much red wine. She tried to get the stain out but finally gave up and said, “I’m calling this new color ‘Wasted Merlot.'”
52. I went to Napa Valley but didn’t see any famous vineyards. Turns out visiting the Napa Auto Parts store doesn’t actually count.
53. I accidentally spilled red wine on my friend’s white couch. To cover it up, I spilled wine on the rest of the couch so the stain would blend in. Needless to say she was not impressed with my interior decorating skills.
54. I told my date, “This wine has hints of oak, vanilla, and blackberry.” He responded, “Uhh I’m just tasting grape juice that burns.” Uncultured swine.
55. At the wine tasting I swished the wine around in my mouth for 30 seconds and declared, “I taste notes of pretentiousness and desperation to appear sophisticated.” They did not offer me a second sample.
56. I brought a nice Merlot to my friend’s housewarming party. He took one sip and asked, “Got anything cheaper to get drunk off of?”
57. Don’t judge a wine by its price. I’ve had $10 bottles that put $100 bottles to shame. It’s basically the alcohol version of not judging a book by its cover.
58. A friend jokingly gave me a bottle of wine labeled “Two Buck Chuck.” I drank the whole thing and then asked if he had change for a 5.
59. My wife asked me to stop singing “Cabernets, are you ready for this” every time I opened a bottle of wine. I said, “Pinot Noir, Pinot Noir.”
60. I told my wife in shock, “This wine only cost $3!?” She said, “That’s how much you paid for it. The actual cost is probably closer to $150 when you factor in all the marriage counseling.”
61. They say you should smell the cork when you open a new bottle of wine. I took that advice too far and now my neighbors call the cops whenever they see me digging through their recycling bin.
62. I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a wine enthusiast. An alcoholic will finish a bottle of wine regardless of the taste. A wine enthusiast will take one sip of bad wine and pour the rest right down the drain.
63. If olive oil comes from olives and coconut oil comes from coconuts, where does baby oil come from? Oh, sorry, wrong joke – I meant to ask where wine comes from.
64. The problem with boxes of wine is you can’t easily tell how much is left. I think they should add a clear window so you can wine check.
65. When I have guests over, I like to play a little game called “Wine Roulette.” I pour glasses from a variety of cheap bottles, and we take bets on who got stuck with Two Buck Chuck.
66. My wife asked why I bought 6 bottles of wine for just the two of us. I said, “We’re celebrating our 5th anniversary in style!” She responded, “Uh, try 16th.” Oops.
67. I bought an expensive bottle of wine, but my uncultured friend refused to try it. He said he only drinks wine from a box. Some people have no class at all.
68. Did you hear about the wineries that fused together? They formed a wineery.
69. What kind of wine do you use to make a duck dance? Merlot!
70. My friend soaked her grapes in vodka instead of fermenting them into wine. She called it “grape expectations.”
71. What do you call someone who ruins good wine? A cork tease.
72. Did you hear about the wine tasting that turned into a brawl? It was an all out grape fight.
73. Why shouldn’t you tell a secret in a vineyard? Because the grapes might wine.
74. Want to hear a dirty wine joke? Nevermind, it’s too raunchy.
75. What kind of wine are kittens obsessed with? Moscato!
76. Did you hear about the wine shortage across Europe? There’s a lack of Pinot Noir.
77. What’s a wine connoisseur’s favorite sport? Grape stomping!
78. Where does bad wine come from? The grapevine!
79. What do you call someone who brings bad wine to a party? A cork blocker!
