Vampire Puns
1. What do vampires do when they want to relax? They get their dead on.
2. Why are vampires so easy to fool? Because they’re suckers.
3. Why did the vampire read the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation.
4. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
5. How do vampires get around on Halloween? On blood vessels.
6. Why do vampires make good philosophers? They suck at ethics.
7. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? Necktarines.
8. Why did the vampire subscribe to the newspaper? He wanted something to sink his teeth into.
9. How do vampires do math? With blood calculators.
10. Why are vampires bad at sharing? They’re always thinking about number one.
11. Why do vampires wear clothes? So they have pockets to keep their stakes in.
12. What do you call a gothic, fanatical vampire? Over blood-thirsty.
13. What do female vampires wear to the beach? Blood bikinis.
14. Why do vampires make the best lawyers? They know how to suck blood from a stone.
15. Why can’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.
16. What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A grave problem.
17. Why did the vampire quit his job at the blood bank? It was draining.
18. What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
Vampire One-Liners
19. I tried to make a vampire joke, but it sucked.
20. Vampires aren’t too good with stakes. The only stake they know is the one they put through your heart.
21. Vampires get a bad rap, but most of them are pretty vein.
22. How do vampires start their letters? Tomb it may concern…
23. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.
24. I wanted to dress up as a vampire, but I didn’t have enough blood for the costume.
25. Vampires aren’t good dancers because they have two left feet.
26. How do vampires get around town? By batmobile.
27. How do vampires do their laundry? With blood stains remover.
28. A vampire walked into a bar and ordered a cup of hot water. The bartender asked, “I thought vampires only drank blood?” The vampire pulled out a bloody tampon and said, “I’m having tea.”
29. What’s a vampire’s least favorite food? Stake.
30. Why did the hipster vampire have trouble ordering at bars? He could only drink type O, negative.
Best Vampire Jokes
31. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a dense forest.
Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
“Good,” said the first bat, “Because I DIDN’T!”
32. Three vampires walked into a bar. The first one ordered a glass of blood. The second one also ordered a glass of blood. The bartender handed them their glasses. The third vampire ordered a cup of hot water. The bartender looked confused and asked, “I thought vampires only drank blood?”
The third vampire pulled out a used tampon and said, “I’m having tea.”
33. A vampire was taking a walk one night when he passed by a blood bank. Through the window he saw all the bags of blood stored inside. Unable to resist, he broke in and stole a few bags to drink. But as he was leaving with them, his conscience started bothering him.
“These people desperately need this blood,” he thought. “I shouldn’t deprive them of it just because I’m thirsty.” So he decided to return the bags of blood.
Because that night, a vampire regained his humanity.
34. Dracula decided it was time to get a driver’s license. So he went to the local DMV and took the vision exam. When he read the chart, the last line said: A B C D O +.
The clerk looked at the chart and said, “I’m afraid you’ve failed. Can you read the last line for me?”
Dracula looked puzzled and said “A B C D blood types positive.”
35. Why don’t vampires donate blood?
Professional courtesy.
36. A daughter vampire came home late.
“Where have you been young lady?” her father shouted.
“I was at a party.” the daughter replied.
“And what did you do there?” the father demanded.
“I sucked some blood out of a few small children.” the daughter said.
The father beamed with pride. “Good girl! That’s my girl!”
The mother smiled. “Oh by the way,” she added. “How old were the children?”
“Seventeen or eighteen.” the daughter replied.
“Eighteen?!” the mother shouted angrily. “For God’s sake, what is wrong with you? Eighteen! Why can’t you suck blood from some seven year olds like your sister does?!”
37. A vampire decided to buy a new home. He went to see a real estate agent and described his needs. “I want a small house in a nice neighborhood,” he said. “Oh, and I sleep in a coffin, so I need a very large basement.”
The agent started showing him some homes that fit his description. At the third house, when they went down to the basement, the vampire saw an empty coffin sitting in the middle of the room.
“That’s strange,” he remarked.
“Oh, the previous owner was also a vampire,” explained the agent. “He left that here when they moved out.”
“Well, if no one is using it, do you think they would mind if I tried it out?” asked the vampire.
The agent said it would be fine, so the vampire climbed into the coffin and stretched out. After a few moments, his eyes flew open and he jumped out, screaming “I can’t use this! It’s used!”
The agent stared at him confused. “But you’re a vampire, I thought you slept in coffins…”
“Yeah,” said the vampire disgustedly, “but I’m not dead!”
38. Why are vampires so easy to fool? Because they are suckers.
39. What is a vampire’s favorite fruit? A neck-tarine!
40. Why did the vampire read the Wall Street Journal? He heard it had great circulation.
41. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.
42. How do vampires get around on Halloween? By blood vessel.
43. Why do vampires make good philosophers? They suck at ethics.
44. What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.
45. Why are vampires clothing experts? Because they have great taste.
46. Dracula doesn’t drink coffee because it keeps him up at day.
47. What do you call a vegetarian vampire? Someone who likes to chew but doesn’t swallow.
48. Why are vampires so pale? They’re night people!
49. What is Dracula’s dog called? Fang.
50. Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.
51. Why are vampires fun on road trips? Because the backseat passengers always get neck pillows.
52. Why can’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep? Because of his coffin.
53. What is a vampire’s favorite sport? Casketball.
54. Why do vampires seem sick? They’re lacking their daily dose of vitamin D.
55. How did the ghost propose to his girlfriend? With a boo-quet of flowers!
56. Why don’t vampires bite their tongues? Because it’s a vein attempt.
57. Why do vampires avoid pigs at Halloween? They can’t stand the ham costumes.
58. What kind of dog does every vampire have? A bloodhound.
59. Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn? It was a stake sandwich.
60. Why do vampires need mouthwash? Because they have bat breath!
61. Why did Dracula take cold medicine? To stop his coffin.
62. Why did the vampire go to the dentist? He wanted to get his teeth capped.
63. Why are vampires so fast? They’re very good at coffin corners.
64. Why do vampires scare people? Just for the blood of it.
65. Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
66. How do you comfort a ghost? You give him a ghoul hug.
67. What do Italian vampires eat? Rigatoni-positive.
68. What is Transylvania’s best-selling pencil? Count Dracula.
69. Where do baby vampires come from? The neck delivery room.
70. Why do vampires prefer pens over pencils? Because pens have more ink.
71. What do vampire cheerleaders chant? Gimme a B! Gimme an L! Gimme an O! Gimme an O! Gimme a D! What’s that spell? Blood!
72. Why don’t vampires bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
73. Why are vampires so good at baseball? They know how to turn bats.
74. What is a vampire’s favorite snack? Crypt-achos.
75. What is a vampire’s favorite dessert? Vampire flan.
76. Why did the vampire read the Wall Street Journal? He wanted to follow the circulation.
77. Why can’t you tell a vampire a joke? Because it will suck the life out of it.
78. Why did the vampire put bells on his fangs? For jingle bites!
79. Why are vampires so fast? They know all the coffin corners.
80. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite!
81. Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind!
82. How do vampires get around on Halloween? By blood vessels.
83. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? Neck-tarines!
84. Why can’t Dracula’s wife sleep at night? Because of his coffin.
85. What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich!
86. Why do vampires seem sick? They’re lacking their daily dose of vitamin D!
87. Where does Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria!
88. Why does Dracula consider himself a good artist? Because he has great taste.
89. What’s a vampire’s favorite sport? Casketball!
