Steak Puns
1. I tried to come up with a steak pun but it was a rare medium well done.
2. What do you call a cow who works as a comedian? A steak up comic.
3. Why don’t vegans eat fake steak? They don’t want to engage in calfamity.
4. What do you call a cow that makes music? A steak songwriter.
5. Why did the steak go to jail? It was done for assault and buttering.
6. Want to hear a steak joke? It’s pretty rare but I have a medium one and a well done one too.
7. What do you call a nervous steak? A steak on edge.
8. Why are steaks bad at lying? Because you can see right through their bull.
9. Why did the steak get kicked out of the restaurant? It kept asking the waiter, “Where’s the beef?”
10. What did one steak say to the other? I got your back, ribeye.
11. What do you call a fake steak? An impasta.
12. Why are steaks able to solve mysteries so quickly? They get to the meat of the matter.
13. How do steaks share the news? They spread the herb.
14. Why did the steak go to the gym? It wanted to beef up.
15. Why are steaks bad at keeping secrets? They tend to leak juice.
Steak One-Liners
16. I relish a good steak.
17. Steak puns are a rare medium well done.
18. Quit staring, that’s just how eye roll.
19. I meat my match with these steak puns.
20. These steak puns are udderly ridiculous.
21. My steak puns will get a raise out of you.
22. Warning: these steak puns contain corn tent.
23. I’m on a roll with these top sirloin puns.
24. My steak puns will turn your smile upside-down ribs.
25. I cattle you’d appreciate these fine bovine puns.
26. These puns are sure to meat expectations.
27. Hope these rib-ticklers don’t make you too salty.
28. These steak puns will make you chuckle hither and yon.
29. I’ve been racking my brain for these choice cuts of comedy.
30. You butter believe these steak puns are top grade.
31. From rare to well done, these puns deliver the beef.
32. Hope you don’t find these puns too cheesy.
Best Steak Jokes
33. A family was having dinner when the son started poking at his steak with his fork. “Stop playing with your food!” scolded the father. “I’m not playing,” protested the son. “I’m trying to get the last piece of meat out from between my teeth!”
34. A cowboy walked into a steakhouse and asked the hostess, “Where can I get a steak in this town?” She scowled and replied, “Right here, buddy. This is a steakhouse!” The cowboy shook his head and said, “No, I mean a place where I can get a steak and take it with me.” The hostess slapped her forehead. “Oh! You mean a steak to go!”
35. Two men walked into a steakhouse. The first man said, “I’ll take a ribeye steak, medium-rare please.” The second man said, “I’ll take the rump steak, well done.” The first man snorted. “What kind of idiot ruins a good steak by cooking it well done?” The second man shrugged. “What kind of savage eats raw meat full of blood?” The two men glared at each other until the waiter hurried away with their orders.
36. A woman sat down in a steakhouse and ordered a well done filet mignon. The waiter brought her the charred hunk of meat, which she ate happily. On her way out, the chef stopped her and said, “Excuse me ma’am, may I ask why you ordered such an expensive cut of meat well done? It ruins the flavor and tenderness.” The woman replied, “Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize it was a faux pas. I’m blind and I just really like the texture of a well done filet.”
37. A family walked into a steakhouse after a long day at an amusement park. The father told the waiter, “I’ll have a porterhouse, medium-rare, with a baked potato.” The mother said, “I’ll take the ribeye, mid-rare, with sautéed mushrooms.” The son piped up, “I’ll take a hamburger, well done, with fries!” The parents exchanged a look. The father told the waiter, “Actually he’ll have the same as me, thanks.” The son protested, “But Dad, I want my steak well done!” The father shook his head and said, “Son, if you ruin a nice steak by overcooking it, they’ll revoke your Texas citizenship.”
38. A man ordered an expensive dry-aged bone-in ribeye at a steakhouse. When it arrived, beautifully marbled and perfectly cooked, he doused it in ketchup before taking a bite. The waiter gasped and said, “Sir, apologies, but did you just put ketchup on a dry-aged ribeye?” The man replied, “Yes I did. Is there a problem?” The horrified waiter said, “Sir, that is a culinary crime!” The man shrugged and said, “Tastes fine to me.” The waiter shook his head sadly and walked away, murmuring, “Philistine.”
39. A couple at a steakhouse was debating whether to order the porterhouse or T-bone steak. The husband said, “I think we should get the porterhouse, it’s more tender since it has a larger filet mignon.” The wife disagreed, “But the T-bone has more flavor from the strip and a bigger bone for the dog.” Unable to decide, they called over the waiter to ask his opinion. He replied, “Honestly folks, six of one, half a dozen of the other!”
40. A man walked into a steakhouse and sat down. The waiter came over and said, “Good evening sir, what can I get started for you?” The man looked up from his menu with a serious expression. “I want your finest cut of meat, rare, with no seasoning. I want to experience the pure, unadulterated flavor of the beef.” The waiter nodded solemnly. “Very good sir, the chef will prepare your steak extra special.” When the man’s steak arrived, he picked it up with his bare hands and tore into it like a lion feasting on a fresh kill, juice running down his face. The rest of the diners watched him, horrified.
41. A tourist visited Texas and wanted to have an authentic steakhouse experience. He ordered a 20 oz porterhouse, medium-rare. When the massive steak arrived, the tourist sliced into it with gusto. After a few bites, he called the waiter over. “Pardon me,” he said, “but I believe you have brought me the wrong order. This steak is raw in the middle!” The waiter replied in his Texas drawl, “No sir, that’s medium-rare, the proper way to cook a thick steak.” The tourist frowned. “Are you sure this isn’t undercooked?” The waiter rolled his eyes and said, “Trust me partner, that there steak is right at home on the range.”
42. A husband took his wife out to a nice steak dinner for their anniversary. After the waiter described the specials, the wife ordered an 8 oz filet mignon, cooked well done. The husband crumpled up his face in disgust. “Sweetie, why would you ruin a good steak by overcooking it like that? Get it medium-rare at least!” The wife glared at him. “How I like my steak is none of your business. I’m the one eating it, aren’t I?” The husband threw up his hands. “Fine, do what you want! Don’t blame me when it comes out as dry and chewy as an old boot!”
43. A rich man walked into an upscale steakhouse, raised his chin and announced, “I’ll have your most expensive cut of Kobe beef, prepared to perfection by your top chef.” The waiter replied, “Of course sir. May I suggest our $200 Wagyu ribeye, aged for 6 weeks and broiled over Japanese white oak.” The man shook his head. “No, I want your *most* expensive.” The waiter cleared his throat and said “Ah in that case, might I interest you in our ‘Platinum Steak Experience’? We fly the beef in fresh this morning via private jet from a special Kobe cattle reserve in Japan. It comes with white truffle shavings and is served with Dom Perignon champagne. It’s a incredible value at only $2000.” The man smiled and said “Now we’re talking!”
44. A husband took his wife out for a fancy steak dinner. When the waiter came around, the husband ordered abone-in ribeye, medium-rare. The wife ordered a well-done filet mignon with ketchup. The waiter raised an eyebrow. “Madame, are you sure you would like your filet well-done? It will lose all its tenderness cooked that way.” The woman snapped, “I know how I like my steak, thank you. And I always eat it with ketchup.” The husband sank down into his chair and sighed.
45. A cowboy walked into a steakhouse and sat down. When the waiter came over, he said, “I’m gonna need 4 of your biggest porterhouse steaks, rare, some baked beans, and whiskey.” The waiter asked, “Wow, are you expecting someone?” The cowboy shook his head and said, “Nope, it’s just me and my horse outside. We’re mighty hungry after herding cattle all day.” The waiter looked confused. “Sir, we don’t allow horses in the restaurant.” The cowboy stared him down and growled, “You’d better bring those steaks quick before he decide to let himself in.”
46. A family of vegetarians walked into a steakhouse by accident. The father hestitated and said to the hostess, “I’m sorry, we seem to be in the wrong place. Could you recommend a nice vegetarian restaurant nearby?” The son whined, “Aww dad, can’t we just stay and order some steamed veggies? The food smells amazing!” The mother chimed in, “Yes dear, we haven’t had a chance to research places to eat around here.” The father reluctantly agreed and they sat down. The son proceeded to order the biggest porterhouse on the menu. The father’s jaw dropped in shock. The son just shrugged and said, “I’m vegetarian, not dead.”
47. A steakhouse waiter brought the check to a couple finishing their dinners. The man glanced at it and said smugly, “You know, back in my day, a good steak only cost a nickel.” His wife rolled her eyes. “Yes, dear, and back in your day, women weren’t allowed to vote and childhood leukemia was a death sentence.” The man huffed, then pulled out his credit card to pay while leaving a generous tip.
48. A man walked into a Ponderosa steak buffet and was seated. When the waiter came by, the man requested a steak, well done. After a while, he finished off the steak and asked for another. And another. And another. By the 6th steak, the waiter was concerned. “Sir, are you sure you want another steak? That’s a lot of meat…” The man waved him off. “Just keep the steaks coming.” An hour later, the man had plowed through a dozen steaks. He leaned back, patted his bulging stomach, and said, “Boy, I really made a pig of myself today!”
49. A group of friends were out at a steakhouse talking about their favorite cuts of beef. The first guy said, “I love a good ribeye. So flavorful and juicy.” His friend argued, “No way, strip steak is the best with that perfect marbling.” A girl chimed in, “You’re both wrong, filet mignon melts in your mouth.” The vegetarian in the group shook his head and said, “I don’t know how you all eat those poor cows.” The steak lovers shouted in unison, “Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it!”
50. A woman sat down alone at the bar of a steakhouse and ordered a martini. The bartender placed the drink in front of her. She took a sip and said, “Another one, please. It’s been the week from hell.” After her third martini, a man sat down next to her and struck up a conversation. After chatting for an hour, he said, “You seem really nice. Want to grab dinner sometime?” Completely drunk, the woman yelled, “Back off creep, I’m just here for the beef!”
51. A group of cattlemen walked into a steakhouse and sat down. The waiter came over, took their drink orders and asked if they were ready to order. The cattlemen all looked confused. Finally one said, “Aren’t you going to hand us menus?” The waiter laughed heartily. “Men, this is a steakhouse. You don’t need menus here. Just tell me how you want your steak and we’re good to go!” The cattlemen had a good laugh over that one.
52. A newlywed couple went to a nice steakhouse for their first anniversary dinner. After ordering cocktails, the waiter came by for their food orders. The wife said, “I’ll have the 6 oz filet mignon, medium well.” Her husband made a pained expression. “Honey, it’s our special night! Live a little and get it medium rare.” The wife glared at him. “Look, it’s my dinner, I’ll order it how I like.” The husband threw up his hands, “Fine! I guess this is our life now.”
53. On their first date, a man took a woman to a nice steakhouse. While looking at the menu, she said, “Ooh, the steamed broccoli looks so good here.” The man did a double take. “At a steakhouse? Don’t you want a nice juicy steak?” She shook her head, “No thanks, I’m vegetarian.” The man looked utterly crestfallen. After a pause he said, “Is it too late to get the check and go to a salad place instead?”
54. A restaurant critic was dining at a new steakhouse in town. He ordered the bone-in ribeye, medium-rare. When it arrived, beautifully seared and peppered, he cut into the steak and nodddd approvingly. After chewing a bite, he called over the waiter. “Excuse me, this ribeye seems to have been cut from the chuck end, not the loin. Please inform your chef.” The waiter apologized profusely. He came back later bearing a new steak. The critic cut into it and chewed a bite thoughtfully. “Much better. The chef has selected the correct portion of the rib this time.”
55. A loud, boisterous family came into a steakhouse and was seated near a man dining alone. The man winced as the family’s three children began shrieking and running around the table. When the waiter asked for their orders, the mother and father both requested well-done steaks with ketchup. The man shuddered and called the waiter over. “I’d like to move tables please, somewhere quieter.” The waiter nodded sympathetically, “Of course sir, I completely understand.”
56. An impatient man kept waving his empty glass at the waiter in a steakhouse, silently demanding more whiskey. By the third glass, the waiter cautioned, “Sir, I’d be happy to bring you another, but I must warn you that you seem to be getting quite intoxicated. Perhaps some water…” The man barked, “Just bring me the whiskey and skip the judgment!” He then proceeded to loudly critique every aspect of the restaurant between gulps. Eventually, the manager had to ask him to leave.
57. A married couple were at a steakhouse for date night. When the waiter came by, the husband ordered a porterhouse, cooked rare. The wife ordered a ribeye well-done. The husband audibly groaned. “Why do you always ruin a good steak? Order it medium at least!” The wife snapped, “Stop telling me how to eat my food! Maybe if you ever cooked at home I’d trust you more, but you think boiling pasta is hard.” The couple sat glaring angrily until the waiter shuffled away.
58. An eccentric billionaire walked into a Michelin star steakhouse and announced, “I want to try the best steak you have.” The waiter replied, “Of course sir. Our Kobe beef imported from Japan is $500 per ounce. Shall I bring you our 6 oz filet?” The billionaire laughed. “Money is no object! Bring me your largest cut.” The waiter returned with a 2 pound dry
