Drinks Puns
1. I only drink on days that end in “y.” Get it? Because every day ends in “y”!
2. My favorite drink is a mango daiquiri. You could say it’s my signature cocktail.
3. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
4. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
5. My wife divorced me because I wouldn’t stop making wine puns. What a grape mistake!
6. Two atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I lost an electron.” The other asks, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive.”
7. I went to the liquor store yesterday and bought some rum. The cashier said, “That’ll be the spirit!”
8. Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
9. I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.
10. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
11. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
12. What do you call a mushroom who goes to all the parties? A fungi.
13. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
14. Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
15. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
16. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick.
17. Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
18. What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!
Drinks One-Liners
19. I’m on a seafood diet – I see food, and I drink it.
20. I don’t have a drinking problem, I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
21. Beer – helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.
22. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
23. I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, you know, just to be sure.
24. Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.
25. Sometimes when I reflect on all the booze I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
26. I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer dos equis.
27. I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
28. Ah, beer. The cause of and solution to all of life’s problems.
29. You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy beer. And that’s kind of the same thing.
30. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
31. When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading.
32. Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails. Pray for me now and at the hour of my death…which I hope is soon.
33. Alcohol: the cause of and solution to all life’s problems.
34. The only wine I like is the wine I drink when I’m alone. It’s called none of your damn business.
35. I don’t have a drinking problem, I drink, I pass out, I wake up, no problem.
36. Life’s too short to drink cheap liquor.
Best Drinks Jokes
37. A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp.
“Wow, something must be wrong,” the bartender says. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really,” the guy says. “I just found out my older brother is gay.”
The bartender nods sympathetically. “I can see how that would shake you up. Can I get you another drink?”
The guy nods. “Yeah, I’ll take another triple scotch.”
A few minutes later, the bartender serves him and again the guy quickly downs the entire glass.
“You sure you don’t want to talk about your brother?” the bartender asks.
“Nah,” the guy says, waving his hand. “I just found out my younger brother is gay too!”
38. A scientist, a mathematician, and an alcoholic walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “What’ll you gentlemen have?”
The scientist says, “I’ll have H2O.”
The mathematician says, “I’ll have H2O, too.”
The alcoholic says, “I’ll have H2O, too.” He dies.
39. A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll you have buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.” The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking. “You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man answers, “I have a dollar.”
40. An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down into each of the pints and get stuck in the head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking. The Irishman, too, picks the fly out of his drink but then holds it out over the beer and yells, “Spit it out! Spit it out, ya bastard!”
41. A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel stuck to his pants buckle. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a wheel stuck to your crotch.”
The pirate replies, “Yarrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
42. A grasshopper hops into a bar and the bartender says, “You know, we have a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, “You have a drink named Steve?!”
43. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
44. A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the drunk man and says, “I’m sorry sir, but I can’t serve you…you appear to be intoxicated.”
The guy nods slowly and says, “You’re absolutely right, I am indeed intoxicated…but tomorrow morning I’m going to be sober and you’re still going to be ugly.”
45. A sergeant was handing out booze at the company Christmas party. One of the privates was about to go home for the holidays, so the sergeant offered him a fifth of whiskey to take home to his family. The next day the private came back looking a little worse for wear.
“What happened to you?” asked the sergeant.
“Well Sarge, I did just like you said. When I got home, I gave that bottle of whiskey to my dad. He said ‘Son, I’m proud of you! Let’s have a drink!’ So we did.”
“What about your mom?” asked the sergeant.
“Oh yeah…I gave her the bottle and she said ‘Son, I’m proud of you! Let’s have a drink!’ We drank it, Sarge.”
“Well, what about your sister?” asked the sergeant.
The private shook his head. “No, Sarge… I didn’t give her the bottle.”
The sergeant looked confused. “Why not?”
“Because she’s still breastfeeding!”
46. An Irishman walked out of a bar.
47. A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. The bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line.” The guy looks around but there is no punch line.
48. A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
49. Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Would you like a beer?” Descartes replies “I think not” and disappears.
50. A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
51. A tachyon walks into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.
52. Werner Heisenberg is speeding down the highway when he gets pulled over. The cop comes up to his window and asks “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg responds, “No, but I know exactly where I am.”
53. An invisible man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender brings him his drink and the man pays. The bartender says “I don’t see many invisible men coming in here.” The invisible man replies “Yeah, we’re not big drinkers.”
54. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
55. A bartender is sitting behind the bar when a robber bursts through the door, pointing a gun at him.
“This is a stick-up!” the robber yells. “Hand over all your money or you’re geography!”
The bartender calmly replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber shouts, “Don’t change the subject!”
56. Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he orders a beer.
57. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter of a pint, and so on. The bartender pours two pints and tells them to sort it out for themselves.
58. Socrates walks into a bar. The bartender asks “Would you like a drink?” Socrates replies “I do not know.” The bartender shrugs and moves on to another customer.
Ten minutes later the bartender returns and asks again “Do you want a drink or not?” Socrates responds “I still do not know.” Annoyed, the bartender grabs a beer and slams it down on the bar in front of Socrates. Socrates’ eyes widen. “Now I know!”
59. A man walks into a bar on the moon. He orders a beer, drinks it, then leaves without paying because there’s no gravity.
60. Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
61. A string walks into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve strings here.”
The string walks outside, ties itself in a knot and unravels its ends. It walks back into the bar and the bartender says “Hey aren’t you that string from before?”
The string says “No, I’m a frayed knot.”
62. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.
63. A termite walks into a bar, hops up on a stool and asks “Hey bartender, how much for a beer?” The bartender responds “Well sir, we usually don’t get many termite customers in here.”
The termite thinks for a second and says “Yeah ok. Is the bar tender here?”
64. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8(ate) 9.
65. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
66. Knock knock. Who’s there? Doctor. Doctor who? You know, that’s a really good question! I have no idea who I am or why I’m here.
67. What’s green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table.
68. Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
69. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
70. Two fish are in a tank. One says “How do we drive this thing?”
71. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
72. Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
73. I asked my French friend if he likes to play video games. He said “Wii.”