Smoking Puns (25)
- I tried to quit smoking cold turkey, but I ended up with a smoked bird instead.
- My friend got lung cancer from smoking. He’s kicking the habit now that he’s got a breathTaking view.
- Smokers never die, they just get filtered out.
- With all these anti-smoking campaigns, it feels like big tobacco is getting burned.
- Smoking is a slow burn way to ruin your health.
- I’m tryin’ to quit smokin’, but it’s hard when nicotine comes aknockin’.
- My uncle died of lung cancer. We cremated him and had quite the smoke show.
- Smoking will take your breath away…forever.
- Quitting smoking is the pits, but I’ve got to give up these nasty habits.
- They say smoking stunts your growth, so I guess you could say it makes you a little squirt.
- I used to love smoking with my morning coffee, until the cigarettes left a bad taste in my mouth.
- Don’t let smoking ash-pirations go up in smoke.
- Smoking can leave your wallet feeling filtered and crushed.
- Smoking causes early expiration dates.
- Did you hear about the celebrity who endorsed vaping? They’re blowing smoke up our ads.
- My friend got sick from smoking e-cigarettes. I told him vaping would end in tiers.
- Smokers may light up cigarettes to spark inspiration, but the habit often flames out creativity.
- They say where there’s smoke, there’s fire. Well with cigarettes, there’s just fiery lungs.
- Smoking may look glamorous in old movies, but in reality it causes nothing but ashthma.
- I wanted to smoke meat in my backyard, but didn’t want the neighbor’s kids choking on the fumes. So I chose to vape the steaks instead.
- When I tried to stop smoking cold turkey, I got a nicotine patch on my arm. But after a few days, the patch started gobbling and making demands.
- My friend took up smoking to socialize at parties. But his breath got so bad, now everyone avoids him.
- They say smokers’ lungs are black, shriveled and nasty. But I think they’re just pulling that out of thin air.
- I used to love smoking Parliaments, until I realized monarchy isn’t good for democracy.
- My grandfather’s dying wish was to have his ashes scattered at sea. Unfortunately he died of lung cancer, so we just dumped a bunch of cigarette butts into the ocean.
Smoking One-liners (25)
- Smoking is a breath-taking experience… in the worst way possible.
- Smoking kills. The end.
- Cigarettes leave you feeling burned.
- Smoking causes cancer, heart disease, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. But who needs functioning lungs anyway?
- Smoking will take away your breath, rob you of years, and leave you buried in debt from the medical bills.
- Quitting smoking is the best breath of fresh air you can give yourself.
- Friends don’t let friends smoke cancer sticks.
- Smoking: Cancer’s Golden Trump Ticket.
- Smoke ’em if you want to get trached.
- Nicotine: The drug that lures you in by easing your nerves, then stresses you out when you try to quit.
- Smoking doesn’t make you look cool, just corpse-like.
- Lung cancer makes even the most eloquent smoker speechless.
- Smoking causes stinking thinking.
- You can pay the price for smoking now…or later with chronic disease.
- Smoking is suicide on the installment plan.
- Cigarettes kill. Vaping just maims.
- Quitting smoking is the best way to give your lungs a break.
- Smoking will make you trade your breath for death, one puff at a time.
- Second-hand smoke makes everyone’s lungs suffer.
- Cigarettes are eating you and your wallet alive.
- Lung cancer doesn’t discriminate. Neither does smoking.
- Smoking delivers bad news to your DNA daily.
- Smoking doesn’t make you sophisticated, just ask the hole in your throat.
- Cigarettes promise pleasure but deliver ashes.
Best Smoking Jokes (25)
1. A man went to the doctor complaining of a sore throat and hoarse voice. After a thorough examination, the doctor said, “I’m afraid you have advanced stage laryngeal cancer from decades of smoking. You’ve only got two months to live.”
The man started sobbing and said, “Doctor, I don’t have the time or money for treatments and it’s too late for surgeries. Is there anything at all you can do to help me?”
The doctor replied sympathetically, “I think the best we can do at this point is to have you stop smoking immediately.”
The man looks up incredulously and says, “But that will kill me in two weeks!”
2. My friend has been smoking a pack a day since high school. She tried nicotine patches, gum, hypnotherapy, and even went cold turkey, but couldn’t kick her addiction. Then she heard vaping was a safer alternative. She started vaping fruit-flavored juice, convinced she was quitting cigarettes for good this time. Fast forward a year later, and now she vapes TWO packs a day.
3. A man was waiting for his wife to give birth at the hospital. The doctor came and informed him, “Congratulations, your wife delivered a healthy baby boy. However, I’m afraid she succumbed to a massive pulmonary embolism and died during delivery due to complications from her heavy smoking.”
The man wailed, “Oh my god! This is terrible! I can’t believe she died! What am I going to do with the baby now??”
The doctor glared at him and said, “Perhaps quit smoking so you can be around to raise your child?”
4. Why didn’t the cigarette cross the road? Because it got smoker’s cough and couldn’t make it without wheezing.
5. I finally convinced my girlfriend to quit smoking after she coughed up a lugi that contained a full lung. She agreed it was gross and unhealthy.
6. A woman went to the doctor and said, “I’m really worried about my husband’s smoking habit. Is there anything you can do to convince him to quit?”
The doctor replied, “Tell him his insurance won’t cover the surgery to treat lung cancer.”
7. My parents were chain smokers, so we couldn’t keep a smoke alarm in our trailer. Any time someone lit a cigarette, the alarm would go off.
8. I’m so addicted to smoking that even after getting lung cancer and having a pneumonectomy, I continued puffing cigarettes through the hole in my neck.
9. Why did the nicotine patch start dancing wildly at the party? Because it was ready to quit smoking cold turkey.
10. I finally got my wife to quit smoking after her cigarette license was revoked. She’s banned from buying a new pack for a whole year!
11. A father was hoarse and wheezing loudly while reading his kid a bedtime story. The child looked concerned and said, “Daddy, did you swallow a motorcycle?”
The dad sighed. “No, just decades of Marlboro Reds.”
12. I tried to teach my parrot to stop smoking, but he told me to mind my own business in perfect English. At least the second hand smoke improved his vocabulary.
13. I entered my perpetually smoking mother in a nicotine gum contest, hoping she’d win a lifetime supply and finally quit cigarettes. But she chewed all the gum first and smoked the cigarettes second, so we’re back to square one.
14. Why do bees hate smoking? Because cigarettes are destroying their honeycombs.
15. I’m so addicted to smoking that when I go outside and see cigarette butts in the street, I pick them up and smoke whatever tiny bits are left. Anything to get that sweet, sweet nicotine!
16. A man was smoking at the gas station when someone yelled, “Hey, you better stop or you’ll blow us all up!” The smoker kept puffing and said, “Oh please, I’m not going to explode from my cigarette. My lungs, maybe, but not you.”
17. I knew my smoking was out of control when I missed my own wedding to have a smoke break. My wife’s still mad at me for reeking like an ashtray in all our pictures.
18. They say if you smoke, you’re playing with fire. That’s why I down a whole pack while juggling torches.
19. Whenever someone tells me smoking is dangerous, I point out flying in planes, eating processed foods, and texting while driving could also kill me. Then I cough uncontrollably and regret opening my mouth.
20. I was coughing up blood this morning but still wanted a cigarette with my coffee. Apparently I value nicotine more than my pulmonary health.
21. A smoker goes to the doctor and is diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. He asks if there’s anything he can do. The doctor says, “Well, you could try quitting.” The man bursts into tears and says, “I don’t have that kind of time!”
22. I finally got my dad to quit smoking by stealing all his lighters. Now he just chews on unlit cigarettes and chases me yelling, “Come back with my flames!”
23. I hated finding cigarette butts in my yard until I realized they were everywhere because the neighbor’s dog smokes. Now I buy him Marlboros as treats.
24. I’m not worried about getting lung cancer. With all the cigarettes I smoke, I’ll die of a heart attack way before cancer gets me.
25. Smoking doesn’t make you look cool, unless wheezing and coughing up phlegm is the new cool. Even my loser friends who vape unflavored juice think I’m lame.