Grocery Store Puns
1. I was going to make a joke about the vegetable aisle, but it was corny.
2. The cashier looked exhausted after checking people out all day. I told her to just bag it.
3. The grocery store manager told me I couldn’t put up flyers without permission. I said, “No problem, I’ll just shelf the idea.”
4. I saw a sign for a big sale on melons at the grocery store. It said, “Cantaloupe with our low prices!”
5. I asked the employee stocking shelves if they had any deals on soup. She said, “It’s all canned goods to me.”
6. I wanted to bake a pie but the grocery store was out of rhubarb. It was the least of my stalks.
7. The grocery cashier said, “I’m not looking forward to scanning a million items today.” I said, “Just checkout the bright side.”
8. I slipped on a wet floor at the grocery store. The manager ran over and said, “Are you okay?” I said, “Don’t worry, I didn’t fall for any scam, just the produce.”
9. I saw a guy dropping a bunch of eggs at the grocery store. I yelled, “Hey buddy, mind keeping it together?” He shouted back, “It’s not like I’m doing it on purpose, I can’t control myself!”
10. I asked the grocery store butcher if he could cut the steak really thin. He said, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this sliced and diced.”
11. I tried to tell the bagger at the grocery store a joke about shopping carts, but he just couldn’t handle it.
12. My friend said she was starving and craving everything at the grocery store. I told her to curb her enthusiasm.
13. I slipped on some grapes at the grocery store and almost had wine. Luckily no one saw, so I mixed myself a martini and olive’d forgotten about it.
14. I saw a robbery at the grocery store today. Don’t worry though, the police lettuce know everything is under control now.
15. Why are mushrooms always invited to grocery store parties? Because they’re fungi!
Grocery Store One-Liners
16. I asked the employee if they had self-checkout. He said, “Nope, you have to pay for your groceries here.”
17. Cashier: “Did you find everything okay?” Me: “No, I’m still lost in the cereal aisle.”
18. You know it’s been a long day at the grocery store when even the produce starts to look attractive.
19. Grocery store cashier: “Would you like the milk in a bag?” Me: “No, just leave it in the carton.”
20. Me at self-checkout when an error pops up: “Unexpected item in bagging area.” Also me: “No, you’re the unexpected item.”
21. Cashier: “Do you need any help out with your groceries?”
Me: “No thanks, I can manage. I have a little cart I like to call determination.”
22. You know you’ve been at the grocery store too long when you start talking to the lobsters in the tank.
23. Grocery shopping is just hunting and gathering without all the fun parts.
24. Ah, the serenity of strolling down a quiet grocery store aisle at 2am. Just me, the hum of the freezers, and crippling insomnia.
25. Me: *Hears a crash in the distance at the grocery store* Employees: “Clean up on aisle 5!” Me: “Aisle 5 heard.”
26. Employee: “Should I put the bread in a bag?” Me: “No thanks, I have pockets.”
27. A clean grocery store is the first sign of a boring town.
28. Cashier: “Do you need any help out?” Me: “No, the ice cream should last until I get home.
29. Employee: “Can I offer you a sample?” Me: “Oh boy, my favorite part of grocery shopping – tiny portions of free snacks.”
30. Struggling to get a shopping cart free from the corral is life’s way of keeping us humble.
Best Grocery Store Jokes
31. I was checking out at the grocery store when I suddenly heard someone yelling, “Get down!” I turned around to see an elderly lady screaming at her husband who was stocking shelves. She shouted, “Harold! Get down from that ladder right now before you break your hip again!”
32. I was waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store and noticed the gentleman in front of me only had a single item – a frozen pizza. When he got to the cashier, she cheerfully said, “I bet someone’s home waiting for this!” The man shook his head sadly and replied, “Nope, it’s just me tonight. My wife passed away.” The cashier’s face fell as an awkward silence descended over the line. Finally she cleared her throat and said brightly, “Well, at least you won’t have to share your pizza!”
33. I was at the grocery store the other day when I witnessed a classic family argument. A mom had two kids sitting in the shopping cart – one boy looked about 3 years old and a younger girl who couldn’t have been more than 1. As they were waiting in the checkout line, the little boy suddenly yelled, “I hate you!” The mom scolded, “James William, we don’t say that to people.” Then the little boy crossed his arms and shouted, “I hate you, Grace!” The mom shook her head and replied, “We don’t say that to your sister either.” At that, the tiny girl stuck out her tongue and blew a raspberry. The mom threw up her hands and sighed, “Children, behave or we’re not stopping for ice cream on the way home!” The little boy considered this for a moment then pointed at his sister and said, “I hate you, Grace.”
34. I saw a man at the grocery store who seemed to be following a very precise list. He would walk up and down each aisle, carefully inspecting his list before putting an item into his cart. A bag of sugar, a loaf of bread, a stick of butter – everything was checked off and placed gently in the cart. Just as he was rounding the corner into the produce section, a football came soaring through the air and hit him square in the head, knocking him to the ground. His carefully organized cart was overturned, groceries scattered everywhere. As I helped him to his feet I said, “Wow, are you okay, sir?” He blinked a few times, looked around at the mess and sighed, “Well, I had my whole day planned out but now I guess I need to completely reorganize my list.”
35. I was at the grocery store bakery looking at cakes when an employee walked up and asked if I needed any help. I pointed to one of the cakes and said, “Could you please tell me what flavor this cake is?” She leaned in close, looked at it for a few seconds, then said, “Yes.” She then turned around and walked away, leaving me standing there just as confused as before.
36. My father was quite thrifty and liked to save money wherever he could. One time at the grocery store, he grabbed a big bottle of ketchup from the condiment aisle. While waiting in line, he set the ketchup on the conveyor belt, expecting the cashier to scan it. But she picked up the bottle and banged it forcefully on the side of her counter, hard enough that the lid popped off and a bit of ketchup oozed out. She then scanned the newly opened ketchup and placed it in the bag with the rest of our groceries. My father was flabbergasted. When we got home, he inspected the ketchup closely – the seal definitely looked broken. He still complains about that cashier who “deliberately smashed our ketchup just so we couldn’t return it!”
37. Yesterday at the grocery store, I accidentally bumped carts with a man while going around a corner. I said, “Oh excuse me, I’m so sorry!” He replied, “No problem!” Then from the child seat of his cart, his toddler pointed at me and yelled, “Yeah, watch where you’re going, idiot!” The dad’s face immediately turned red. He looked at his kid and said, “Jacob! You do not call people idiots!” The boy crossed his arms and pouted, “But dad, she bumped into us!” The dad shook his head and explained, “It was just an accident, Jacob. Sometimes people bump into each other on accident. But name calling is never okay.” As I walked away, I could hear the dad continuing to scold his rude little child. “You need to apologize right now, Jacob. I mean it. You are NOT allowed to call people idiots…”
38. I was recently waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store when I noticed the man in front of me, who appeared to be in his late sixties, was carrying a box of Lucky Charms. I laughed and said jokingly, “Stocking up on the old Lucky Charms, eh?” He looked a bit embarrassed and shrugged, “Well, they’re magically delicious.” I was still chuckling to myself when it came time for him to pay. When the cashier announced the total, the man asked, “Can you tell me again how much?” I stopped laughing abruptly as I realized this elderly gentleman couldn’t hear the total. Feeling like a complete jerk, I tried to avoid eye contact as he paid for his cereal and went on his way. I still cringe thinking about how insensitive I was in that moment. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean they don’t deserve to enjoy a bowl of sugary cereal too.
39. I was at the grocery store yesterday and saw a woman yelling angrily into her phone. She was saying things like, “I can’t believe you did this!” and “How could you be so stupid!” Concerned, I quietly asked her if everything was okay. She looked up with teary eyes and said, “I’m so sorry, I don’t mean to disturb anyone. It’s just that my teenage son was supposed to pick up a few things for me on his way home, but instead of getting ground beef, he got a pack of ground pork! I was going to make tacos for dinner tonight and now I don’t have the right meat.” Then she shook her head and continued explaining the situation loudly to her son over the phone. “Pork! I said ground beef! What were you thinking? Are we going to have pork tacos now?”
40. I recently witnessed an awkward moment at the grocery store checkout. The man in front of me in line was buying several items – milk, eggs, cereal and so on. When the cashier rang up his order, she calmly said, “That will be $167.52.” The man’s eyes went wide and he gasped, “Did you say $167?? I don’t have that much cash on me!” The cashier smiled slightly and said, “No, sorry, the total is $16.75.” Looking relieved, the man wiped his brow and said, “Oh thank god, I thought my grocery bill had suddenly increased tenfold!” He and the cashier both laughed as he paid for his groceries and headed out with his now reasonably-priced order.
41. Yesterday at the grocery store, I noticed a teenage boy and girl giggling as they went down the ice cream aisle. The boy picked out a pint of cookie dough while the girl grabbed a container of chocolate. When they got to the checkout line, the cashier scanned their items then cheerfully said, “You two look happy today!” The teenage boy grinned from ear to ear and proudly responded, “We sure are! We just found out she’s pregnant!” The cashier’s jaw dropped and an awkward silence fell over the line. Everyone, including the couple themselves, looked utterly horrified. After a few tense moments, the boy’s face suddenly turned bright red and he stammered, “Wait, no! That’s not what I meant! She’s my sister! And she just found out she got accepted to college!” The poor flustered kid clearly wanted to crawl into a hole and die as his sister shook her head in disbelief. I have to admit, it was difficult not to laugh at the awkward misunderstanding.
42. Yesterday at the grocery store, I had my cart parked in the middle of an aisle while comparing prices on spaghetti sauce. An impatient guy trying to get by snarled, “You gonna stand there all day or what, lady?” Without looking up, I calmly replied, “I was born here, raised here and will most likely die here right in this spot, so unfortunately yes, I’m going to stand here all day.” The man was so caught off guard, he actually burst out laughing. He apologized for being rude and went on his way. I felt quite proud of my spur of the moment snarky remark.
43. I was recently in the checkout line at the grocery store when the woman in front of me sparked up a friendly conversation with the cashier. “Doing some holiday baking, are you?” she remarked, noting the butter, flour, sugar and other baking ingredients the cashier was ringing up. “Oh no,” the cashier chuckled. “This is just my usual weekly shopping.” The woman’s eyes widened in surprise. “Really? Wow, I wish I baked like that every week!” The cashier smiled politely and responded, “Actually, I don’t really do any baking at all. But I’m flattered you think I’m the baking type!” It was an amusing realization – you really can’t judge what people eat just by what’s in their grocery carts!
44. I was in the cereal aisle today, feeling completely overwhelmed by all the options. A grocery store employee noticed my confused expression and came over to help. “Can I help you find something?” he asked. “I’m just trying to pick out a healthy cereal for my kids,” I explained. He nodded thoughtfully before advising, “If you want something really healthy, you should go for this one!” He then proceeded to point directly at a box of Froot Loops. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at his absurd recommendation. Thanking him for his “help,” I turned my chuckles into a convincing cough and went right on debating the merits of granola versus shredded wheat.
45. The other week at the grocery store, I accidentally dropped a carton of eggs on the floor. As I stood there sighing over the mess of shattered shells and oozing yolks, a store employee rushed over. I started apologizing profusely, but he held up a hand to stop me. “Don’t worry about it,” he said kindly. “I’ll take care of this – it’s all part of the job.” He then proceeded to get down on his hands and knees and start cleaning up the slimy egg spill with paper towels. I felt terrible that he had to clean up after my clumsy moment. Trying to make it up to him in some small way, I jokingly said, “Well hey, at least you’re over-easy!” The employee looked at me blankly, then burst out laughing when he realized it was a pun. I helped him finish cleaning up the last of the mess, grateful for his good humor about my rotten egg of a joke.
46. My mom and I were chatting in the grocery store checkout line when the cashier greeted us. My mom took this as
