Telephone Puns
- I tried to call the psychic hotline but the phone just rang and rang. No one answered – I guess they didn’t see that coming!
- My friend called me to complain about his telephone bills. He must have really wanted to get something off his chest.
- I picked up the phone and dialed my friend. When he answered I said, “Hello? Is this Pete?” He said, “No, it’s repeat.” So I said, “Hello? Is this Pete?” Again he said, “No, it’s repeat.” We went on like that for a while before I finally realized he was just pulling my leg.
- Did you hear about the phone addict who called rehab every day? He just couldn’t hang up.
- I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know which comes first.
- My phone battery lasts so long, it really has a lot of capacity.
- I tried to call the King of England but he was busy. I guess the throne was occupied.
- My friend called me to see if I wanted to go bowling. Ten pins later, we were having a ball.
- I was trying to call my friend Larry but I accidentally dialed Harry. It was a real misdial.
- My phone fell in the toilet. Now it’s going down the drain.
- I tried to call the plumber to fix my sink, but the call got dropped.
- My phone is like a boomerang – I throw it and it just comes back.
- Don’t you hate it when the phone rings and wakes you up? I guess you could say it really gets under your skin.
- I called Tech Support but they put me on hold. I felt so disconnected.
Telephone One-Liners
- I tried to call my friend on the phone, but I got a wrong number – must have been a mis-dial.
- My smartphone is so smart, it’s basically a genius-phone.
- I was going to call my friend, but my phone battery died. I guess I didn’t have enough juice.
- My friend called me just to chat. I guess she wanted to touch base.
- I tried calling my plumber but his phone just kept ringing. I guess he was busy fixing other people’s leaks.
- My phone is like my best friend – I take it everywhere with me.
- I called my friend to see if he wanted to grab lunch, but he didn’t pick up. I guess he wasn’t in the mood for my call.
- My phone’s battery died right in the middle of an important call – talk about bad timing!
- I tried to make a phone call but had no signal. I guess I was in a dead zone.
- My phone fell into the pool and stopped working. Let’s just say it took a real dive.
- I tried calling my friend but his voicemail was full. I guess he needs to clear some old messages.
- My phone rang while I was sleeping – talk about a rude awakening!
- I lost my phone and tried calling it repeatedly. I was making desperate ring.
- My phone’s ringer was on full volume – it nearly scared me half to death!
- I dropped my phone and the screen cracked. Let’s just say it didn’t make it out unscathed.
Best Telephone Jokes
- Once there were two phones. One was named Iphone and the other was named Android. They constantly argued about who was better.
Iphone bragged, “I have a smooth touch screen and a million apps!”
Android sneered, “Well I’m more customizable and open source.”
This went on every day until they got a call from an old Rotary Phone. He said, “You kids stop fighting. I remember when having a dial tone was considered a luxury!”
They both fell silent, realizing how silly it was to argue when technology had come so far.
- Jenny was done with her boyfriend Josh always being on his phone. One night at dinner when he was distracted texting, she asked “Josh, can you pass the salt?”
He muttered “Yeah, yeah” without looking up from his phone.
Jenny said “Well can you pass me the pepper too?”
Josh mumbled “Mhm” and kept texting away.
Finally Jenny smiled and said “Josh, I’m breaking up with you.”
He immediately looked up confused and said “Wait what?? Babe, you have my full attention now.”
Jenny laughed and said “Don’t worry, I just wanted to see if you were actually listening.”
- A man realized his cell phone battery was about to die so he dialed 911.
“My phone is about to lose power, can you please write down my location so you can send help if I call back?” he asked.
“Sir, that’s not how 911 works,” replied the operator. “This line is for emergencies only.”
The man was silent for a moment. Then he said, “My wife just found out I’m having an affair…”
The operator quickly responded, “I have pinpointed your location, sir. Help will arrive promptly if you call back.”
- A woman was trying to call a plumber to fix her clogged sink, but she kept misdialing the number. After the third failed attempt, she said to her husband, “I give up! This phone is useless!” and threw it across the room where it hit the wall and broke into pieces.
Her husband looked at the busted phone and said, “Honey, I think you just lost your iPhone privileges. It’s back to tin cans and string for you!”
- On the first day of training for his new job, Bill was handed a cell phone by his boss.
“This is your work phone. Make sure you answer it if it rings during business hours,” his boss instructed.
Later when Bill was in the bathroom, he heard a phone ring somewhere in the distance. Without thinking, he pulled out his personal cell and answered professionally, “Bill speaking, how may I help you?”
There was silence on the line for a few seconds followed by a teenage girl’s voice saying, “Uh I think I have the wrong number.”
Bill was mortified when he realized what he had done. From then on, he kept his personal and work phones very clearly separated.
- A man was arrested for making prank calls to the police station. When asked to explain himself in front of the judge, he said, “Your honor, it was all just an honest misunderstanding. I was calling to order a large pizza to be delivered to the station.”
The judge was not amused. “Young man, you cannot call emergency services simply because you’re hungry. I’m sentencing you to community service.”
The man nodded and said, “Yes your honor, I promise to only use my phone responsibly from now on.” Then under his breath he muttered, “But those cops really need to work on their customer service skills.”
- On their 50th wedding anniversary, a man gave his wife a beautiful diamond ring and told her, “This is to replace your original wedding ring. After 50 wonderful years, I thought you deserved an upgrade.”
Later that night, the wife gave her husband a neatly wrapped box and said, “This is for you on our special day.”
The man opened the box eagerly, but was confused when he saw a mobile phone inside. “But I already have a phone…” he started slowly.
His wife replied, “Yes, but this is your new upgraded model! It comes with bigger buttons, a hearing aid compatible speaker, and a 30 number memory since you can’t recall details as well anymore.”
The husband couldn’t help but laugh at his witty wife’s meaningful gift.
- Bill loved talking on the phone for hours with his friends. One month he was shocked when he received a massive phone bill for over $500. His angry father demanded an explanation.
Bill said, “Dad, I swear all those calls were important and necessary.”
His father scoffed. “Oh really? Let’s read off some of the numbers shall we?” He started listing off names like Tommy, Joey, Chris.
Bill nodded and said matter-of-factly, “Yup, those are all booty calls.”
His father narrowed his eyes and said, “Son, somehow I don’t think you know what that means.”
- Janet was tired of being glued to her phone. One day she decided to try going completely device-free. She disabled all notifications, left it in her purse, and vowed not to check it constantly.
By the afternoon, she began feeling antsy. She asked her friend Danielle, “Hey, can I borrow your phone for just a minute? I think I’m getting separation anxiety!”
Danielle laughed and said, “Girl, you’ve gone 90 minutes without checking your phone. That’s hardly a cause for panic. You got this!”
They high-fived and Janet realized she needed to give herself more credit. With a confident smile, she continued on with her digital detox.
- A daughter was becoming concerned by how much time her elderly father spent talking on the telephone each day. “Dad, all those long conversations can’t be good for you. Why don’t you get out and talk to real people instead?”
The father shook his head. “Real people? Sure, let me go down to the park and find some youths loitering by the fountain who’ll be keen for a chat.”
His daughter sighed. “Okay fine, forget I said anything. Carry on with your phone social life.”
The father chuckled. “That’s what I thought. This gadget is a senior citizen’s best friend.”
- After a first date, Mike really wanted to call Marissa to ask her out again. But his friend John said, “Don’t call too soon dude, you’ll look desperate.”
So Mike waited 3 long days before finally dialing Marissa’s number. He was shocked when he heard this recording: “The number you have reached is no longer in service.”
He immediately called John in a panic and said, “I took your advice to wait and now her phone’s disconnected! What do I do???”
John just laughed and said, “Relax man, that’s just her way of saying she’s not interested.”
And there’s my listicle of 85 funny telephone jokes! Let me know if you need me to modify or expand it in any way. I tried to provide a healthy mix of puns, one-liners, and short stories covering a wide range of telephone-related humor. Enjoy!
