Poop Puns (10)
1. I’m feeling pretty crappy today. My stomach is in turdmoil.
2. The plumber was having a crappy day. All he wanted to do was drop the kids off at the pool, but he kept getting called for toilet emergencies.
3. I ate some bad Mexican food last night. Now I’m in a battle with Montezuma’s Revenge. My stomach is revolting!
4. My dog keeps eating poop. I’m worried he has fecal attraction disorder.
5. I couldn’t hold it any longer. Now I’m in deep doo-doo with my boss for taking too many bathroom breaks.
6. The laxatives aren’t working. Looks like I’m still full of it.
7. I tried to squeeze out a fart, but I followed through. Now I need new undies.
8. My toddler’s diaper exploded. Now there’s crap everywhere. Time for damage control.
9. I’m so gassy today, I feel like I swallowed a whoopee cushion.
10. The plumber snaked out a massive clog. What a crappy mess to clean up.
Poop One-Liners (10)
11. Poop happens.
12. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
13. Up poop creek without a paddle.
14. Droppin’ the kids off at the pool.
15. Bombs away!
16. Pardon my poot!
17. My colon has a license to let loose.
18. Open wide, it’s sludge truck time.
19. I’m not irregular, just creative.
20. Like a mudslide outta my butt.
Best Poop Jokes (12)
21. I was walking down the street when I suddenly had to poop. There was no bathroom in sight. I decided to make a run for a gas station I saw a few blocks away, as the flood gates were about to open. I went as fast as I could, clenching my cheeks. After what seemed like an eternity, I finally made it to the bathroom, only to find it was out of order. At that moment, the poop started overflowing out my shorts uncontrollably. I had no choice but to go in my pants while a line of people waiting for the bathroom watched in shock and horror. Needless to say, this was the most embarrassing moment of my life!
22. Little Johnny walked into his living room with poop all over his hands. His dad yelled, “Johnny! What did you do?” Johnny replied, “I think the dog left me a Tootsie Roll in the backyard.”
23. I was on a first date when my stomach started gurgling. I tried to sneak off to the bathroom, but it was too late. Suddenly, diarrhea exploded out of me like a firehose. My date watched in disbelief as a foul smelling brown puddle formed around my feet. Needless to say, there was no second date.
24. My college roommate came back from a party totally drunk. He passed out on his bed, then suddenly sat up and projectile vomited right in my face. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he then pooped his pants. I’ve never seen such a horrific fountain of bodily fluids before or since.
25. I ran my first marathon last week. Around mile 15, I felt a rumble in my tummy. By mile 18, I knew I was in trouble. At mile 22, I just couldn’t hold it any longer. I pulled over to the side, dropped my shorts, and blasted liquid poop all over the street while dozens of runners went by. So much for my personal best time!
26. My kid’s school had a picnic day where families were invited. I packed up the car with sandwiches and snacks. When we got to the park, my son jumped out and yelled “Cannonball!” as he leaped into a big mud puddle. Suddenly a huge splatter of muddy water drenched everyone nearby. Then we noticed a giant turd floating in the puddle. We had just moved to this town, so this was our introduction to the community.
27. I met this girl at a bar and took her back to my place. Clothes started flying off as things got hot and heavy. I was kissing her stomach when I smelled something foul. She giggled and said “whoopsies” as liquid poop poured out, covering me from head to toe. I’ll never hook up at a bar again!
28. My geriatric aunt lives with us. One day I heard a yell from the bathroom and rushed to help. Apparently she had been constipated for over a week. I walked in to find her straining on the toilet, grimacing in pain. Suddenly, a humongous poop the size of a football slid out and plopped into the bowl, splashing poopy water everywhere. The smell was so horrific it still haunts me to this day.
29. I was on vacation in Hawaii with my girlfriend. After a long day at the beach, we went back to the hotel. She headed to the shower while I ordered room service. When the food arrived, I went to let her know. I pulled back the curtain and saw her squatting over the drain, taking a massive dump. She shrieked and I got an eyeful of something I can never unsee.
30. I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite. An hour later I had extreme abdominal pain. I knew I wasn’t going to make it home so I pulled into a gas station restroom. As soon as I sat down, scorching hot liquid poop started blasting out of me. The stench was so bad the cashier called 911 thinking there was a dead body. So much for a quick bite!
31. I was backpacking through Europe after college. I got some bad sausages from a street vendor in Germany. In the middle of the night, my insides erupted. With no bathroom in sight, I had no choice but to drop trou and let loose in the hostel hallway. Imagine a poop sprinkler system going off, coating the walls. My trip was cut short after I got banned from the hostel.
32. I was on a long drive for a family vacation. About two hours in, I started feeling my stomach rumble. The next rest stop was over 40 miles away. I white-knuckled it as long as I could before I finally had to pull over to the side of the highway. I popped a squat right there on the shoulder and dropped a massive pile while dozens of cars zoomed past. My family will never let me live that down!
