Library Puns
1. I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you!”
2. I tried to check out a book on Pavlov’s dogs and classic conditioning from the library. It rang a bell.
3. I went to the library and asked where the self-help section was. The librarian said, “If I told you, that would defeat the purpose.”
4. Did you hear about the librarian who got arrested? She was booked.
5. My friend tried to return his overdue library books, but the librarian said there was no fine.
6. I asked the librarian if the library had any books about noise. She said, “Shhhhh!”
7. I wanted to check out a book on turtles from the library but it was shelled out.
8. I tried to check out a book called “How to Hug” from the library but it was non-circulating.
9. The librarian seemed distraught as she was shelving books in the astrology section. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “I’m having a hard time keeping it all to-geather.”
10. I tried to check out a book about optical illusions from the library, but it made my eyes hurt!
11. I asked the librarian if the library had any books about procrastination. She said, “I’ll go check right now” but never returned.
12. I tried to check out a book about Stockholm Syndrome from the library but it still hasn’t let me leave.
Library One-Liners
13. I was so quiet in the library, people thought I was a book!
14. As a librarian, I prefer books checked out rather than people.
15. Librarians have great memory… for overdue books.
16. Librarians never get bored at work – there are always stacks of things to read.
17. Don’t anger the librarian – they know where all the books are buried.
18. Librarians never lose their cool, just their bookmarks.
19. The library – where silence is golden and books are prescribed.
20. Librarians aren’t the shushing type – unless you’re being too loud.
21. Librarians are very good finders – especially of overdue library books.
22. Librarians don’t just read books – they catalogue lives through them.
Best Library Jokes
23. A man walked into the library and said to the librarian, “Do you have any books on procrastination?” The librarian said, “Let me check for you” and then disappeared into the stacks. The man never saw her again.
24. A librarian was re-shelving books when she noticed a man stealthily removing a book from the shelf and slipping it into his bag. She walked over to him and whispered, “Sir, you forgot to check that book out.” The man froze, then replied, “Shhhhh!”
25. A man rushed into the library and yelled, “Do you have any books on sea turtles? It’s an emergency!” Taken aback, the librarian led him to the nature section and pulled out several books on turtles. “Thank goodness!” the man cried as he ran out, using the books to scoop water out of a big puddle in the middle of the floor.
26. A customer asked the librarian, “Do you have any books on paranoia?” The librarian looked around nervously and whispered, “They’re right behind you!” The customer spun around in fear but no one was there. When he turned back, the librarian had disappeared.
27. A nervous man approached the librarian and spat out, “Books on muscle spasms! I need them!” The librarian raised an eyebrow and showed the man to the medical section, passing long rows of bookshelves along the way. Upon arriving, the man’s left arm suddenly jerked out and knocked an entire shelf of books onto the floor. “That’s the one,” he sighed.
28. An English professor was working at the library when a very tired and frazzled student asked, “Do you have the cliffnotes for Shakespeare’s plays like Hamlet and Macbeth?” Visibly horrified, the professor whispered angrily, “This is a library, how dare you ask that here!”
29. A man walked up the counter and asked the librarian, “Do you have any books on life after death?” The librarian replied, “Follow me sir.” She led him to a section labeled ‘Paranormal’ and pointed to a shelf. The man grabbed a book titled ‘Life After Death: A Spiritual Journey.’ When he turned to thank the librarian, no one was there.
30. A woman stormed up to the front desk and yelled, “I need a book on anger management RIGHT NOW!” Taken aback, the librarian calmly replied “Yes ma’am, we can help you with that,” and led the woman to the self-help section. She picked out a book titled ‘Controlling Your Temper’ and handed it to the woman. After a few deep breaths with the book clutched to her chest, the woman quietly said “Thank you”.
31. A man ran into the library, slapped a book down on the counter and shouted “QUICK, HOW DO I BREATHE!?” The librarian opened the book to the index, ran her finger down the listings and then flipped to a page. She pointed to a spot on the page and the man gasped “Oh right, in and out!”
32. A woman rushed into the library, grabbed the first librarian she saw, and begged “Please, I need a book on how to start conversations!” The frightened librarian relaxed, led the woman to the communication skills section, and handed her a book titled ‘Making Small Talk.’ After browsing it for a minute the woman breathed a sigh of relief and said sincerely “Thanks for your help. Lovely weather we’re having, right?”
33. A man tiptoed dramatically through the library’s front doors. He crept up to the front desk, peered left and right, then whispered “Y’all got any books on espionage?” The librarian rolled her eyes and pointed to a shelf labeled ‘Spy Novels’. The man dropped and rolled to the shelf, humming his own dramatic soundtrack.
34. A frazzled dad sprinted into the children’s section, grabbed a book off the shelf and asked the librarian, “Quick, how do you get toddler crayon markings off of walls!?” Checking the cover, the librarian replied “Well, this children’s book won’t help you there, but I can lend you a home improvement book that covers that topic specifically.”
35. A man slapped a book on the library counter and whispered angrily to the librarian “This book on anger management didn’t help me at all!” She calmly replied “I see, perhaps you would’ve preferred our expanded selection on meditation?” Suddenly self-aware, the man took a deep breath and said “Actually, yes please.”
36. A customer asked the librarian “Do you have any books about coping with rejection?” She replied “Yes, let me go grab a few options.” She returned 2 minutes later empty-handed and said “Sorry, looks like those books are all checked out.”
37. A woman ran up to the front desk and asked “Do you have any cookbooks that can help me make a meal with just rice, eggs, and a few vegetables?” The librarian replied, “Follow me, our cooking section has a shelf of books on preparing meals with limited ingredients.”
38. A man approached the reference desk and whispered “I need self-help books, but I don’t want anyone to see me checking them out.” The librarian discretely grabbed a few titles like ‘Building Self-Esteem’ and ‘Coping with Shyness’ and put them in a paper bag. “Here you go sir, have a great day” she said with a smile.
39. A frazzled dad rushed into the library and asked the librarian “Do you have any books with tips on getting kids to sleep through the night?” She replied “Absolutely, in the parenting section we have books specifically on establishing bedtime routines.” She pulled a few options and handed them to the relieved dad.
40. An older lady approached the counter and whispered “Do you have any large print books? I’m having trouble with my eyesight.” The librarian smiled and said “We have a great large print collection, let me walk you over and help you pick out some titles.” She assisted the woman in finding books in comfortable large print fonts.
41. A man ran up to the counter and panted “Do you have any books on fitness? I need to get in shape immediately!” The librarian nodded calmly and said “Certainly. I can show you our selection of books on exercise, nutrition, and healthy living.” She helped him find a few motivational titles.
42. A nervous looking woman approached the counter and whispered “Do you have any books about stage fright?” The librarian gave her a reassuring smile and said “Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. I’ll show you some great books that can help.” She walked the woman over to the performance anxiety section.
Library Puns
43. I asked the librarian if the library had any books about the psychology of Los Angeles residents. She said, “Sure, we have some great SoCal psychology books in the stacks.”
44. I tried to check out a book on improving my memory from the library, but I forgot what it was called.
45. I tried to check out a book about maps from the library but I got lost on the way there.
46. I went to the library looking for books on elections and voting, but they were all checked out since it’s an election year.
47. I tried to check out a book about emotional stability from the library but it seemed withdrawn.
48. I wanted to check out a book explaining puns from the library but it was non-fiction.
49. I was hoping the library had a book about morning people, but nothing turned up.
50. The library said they were open 24/7, but when I got there at 3 in the morning all the shelves were closed!
51. I asked the librarian where to return overdue books. She said I could just pay the fine.
52. I wanted a library card but couldn’t find an application. The librarian said I could just book it.
Library One-Liners
53. Don’t tell the librarian to “shush” unless you want an overdue fine!
54. Librarians aren’t just good finders, they’re also excellent keepers of secrets.
55. Beware the librarian’s icy stare when your book is weeks overdue.
56. Librarians aren’t just skilled categorizers. They’re also ace investigators when it comes to overdue books!
57. Don’t underestimate a librarian’s memory – they never forget late fees!
58. The library shelves might seem orderly, but don’t accuse librarians of not being fun!
59. Need a laugh? Don’t joke about dog-earing pages near your librarian.
60. Librarians have a sixth sense… for spotting damaged library books.
61. Don’t litter in the library unless you want a scowling librarian to shelve YOU.
62. A book dropped in the library sounds 10 times louder when the librarian stares angrily at you.
Best Library Jokes
63. A librarian was organizing a row of books when one fell off the shelf and onto her head. She quietly picked it up, re-shelved it and whispered, “That’s not how you check a book out.”
64. A man forgot his library card on the counter after checking out books. The next day he tried sneaking in to pick it up, but the librarian spotted him and shouted, “Sir, you left your card catalog here yesterday!”
65. An arrogant professor strode up to the library counter and declared, “I’d like access to your special collections and archives.” The librarian just blinked and said, “I’m sorry, those are only available to researchers who remember to return their books on time.”
66. A librarian was re-shelving a tall stack of mystery novels when they toppled over onto her head. A concerned elderly patron rushed over and asked, “My dear, are you alright?” The librarian glanced up and whispered, “Yes, but now I know the plot twist ending of every single book.”
67. A librarian watched a clearly lost student wander the stacks for 30 minutes. She finally approached and asked kindly, “Can I help you find something?” The student jumped back dramatically, shouting “Shhhhhh!” before realizing where he was. “Actually yes, I need help” he admitted sheepishly.
68. A librarian was reading as she walked through the stacks when she tripped over a heavy encyclopedia that was jutting into the aisle. She picked herself up, reshelved the book properly and muttered “Reference humor not appreciated.”
69. An enthusiastic library volunteer offered to help the head librarian organize. After an hour of re-categorizing he presented the shelves proudly, saying “I organized fiction by author gender and nonfiction by color!” The librarian just stared silently.
70. A new librarian was being trained on categorizing books. He held up a volume and asked “Should I file this under ‘Vampires’ or ‘Wizards’?” His colleague looked shocked and whispered, “Sir, that’s the Bible.”
71. A nervous man ran up the the circulation desk exclaiming “There’s a medical emergency, do you have any books on treating snake bites?” The librarian calmly replied “Sir, we recommend calling 9-1-1 in that situation.”
72. A frustrated grad student slapped his laptop down on the library counter, pointed at it aggressively and demanded, “My five page paper needs to be twenty pages, any books here that can help me pad it out?” The librarian slid the laptop back and raised an eyebrow.
73. A man approached the library counter, slapped down a book and whispered, “Do you have anything else on wilderness survival?” The librarian scanned the man’s dirty, tattered clothing and timidly asked, “Perhaps something more… beginner level, sir?”
74. A panicked woman ran up to the library counter and whispered “I need a book on amnesia right this instant!” Taken aback, the librarian replied “Didn’t you check that book out yesterday, ma’am?” The woman thought for a moment, then nodded slowly. “You know what, never mind then.”
75. A man tiptoed around the library holding his hand over his stomach which was making loud gurgling noises. He grabbed a book off a shelf and rushed up to the counter asking “Do you have a public restroom I could use?” The librarian shook her head and said “Sorry sir, that book won’t help you.”
76. A frazzled man slapped a book down on the counter and said “This book I just read was terrible! Do you have anything that can help erase it from my memory?” Horrified, the librarian slid the book back and whispered “Sir, in this library we appreciate all books and their contents.”
77. A nervous mom came up the counter and asked “Do you have any picture books that can help explain where babies come from?” Eyes wide, the librarian calmly replied “I’d be happy to direct you to our parenting section for more age-appropriate titles.”
78. A man tiptoed dramatically up to the counter, peered left and right, then whispered “Do you have security cameras here monitoring the bookshelves?” Taken aback, the librarian stuttered “W-why do you ask, sir?” The man winked and said “No reason. Just curious.”
79. A dad chased his toddler through the stacks trying to get him to quiet down. “Shhhhhh!” he scolded. The kid shouted back “But dad, they started it!” pointing to a nearby bookcart. The librarian rolled her eyes and kept re-shelving books.
80. A student slammed a pile of books on the counter and said “I need to check these out quickly, which is the fastest way to absorb all their contents?” The librarian pushed the books back and said calmly “Might I suggest our speed reading section to start, sir?”
81. A man rushed up and
