Devil Puns (15)
- What kind of songs does the devil sing in his band? Metal and soulghoul.
- Why did the devil get kicked out of choir practice? He kept raising the stakes.
- What did the devil bring to the church potluck? Deviled eggs.
- Why does the devil use brimstone in his recipes? He likes a little hellfire.
- Why can’t the devil play cards in the underworld? Because he deals from the bottom of the deck.
- Did you hear about the new restaurant the devil opened? It has great food but terrible ambiance.
- What happened when the devil lost his pitchfork? He became a little horny.
- Why does the devil water his plants with lava? Because he likes to turn up the heat.
- Why is the devil so good at playing the fiddle? He sold his soul to join Charlie Daniel’s Band.
- What kind of car does the devil drive? A Hellcat.
- Why did the devil get a speeding ticket? He was raising hell on the highway.
- Why was the devil crying over his dinner? He ordered it devil style, extra spicy.
- How does the devil take his coffee? Black, like his twisted soul.
- What’s the devil’s favorite fruit? Forbidden figs.
- Why does the devil take cold showers? Because he likes to turn down the heat.
Devil One-Liners (10)
- I sold my soul to the devil, but I’m having buyer’s remorse.
- The devil went down to Georgia…and got a speeding ticket.
- Speak of the devil—Lucifer just walked in.
- I’d tell you to go to hell, but I don’t want you to meet my ex.
- So hot outside, I’m sweating like the devil in church.
- That test was literally hell—I think the devil wrote it himself.
- Don’t open that book! The devil’s in the details.
- That chili is devilishly hot—I need some water, stat!
- He drives like a bat out of hell—someone should revoke the devil’s license.
- Uh oh, hell froze over—the devil is wearing a parka today.
Best Devil Jokes (20)
26. A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
27. One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. Devastated that he’s in hell, the guy asks the devil what to do. The devil says, “Hey don’t worry; let me give you the tour so you can see if you want to stay. If not, you can choose heaven instead.” So they begin walking and come across the first room, where there’s a group of people getting repeatedly whacked in the face by a boxing glove. The guy asks, “What’s all that about?” The devil responds, “Oh those are the chronic liars. They just go around all day getting punched in the face over and over.” They continue walking and come across the second room, where there’s a group of people laughing hysterically as they’re being tickled over every inch of their body by feathers. The guy says, “Let me guess, those are the feather ticklers?” Devil says “Nope, those are the adulterers – we just strap them down and tickle them forever.” As they’re approaching the third room, the new guy hears a load of screaming and smells smoke. He asks the devil nervously, “Um, what’s that?” The devil just smiles and says, “Oh, that’s just the regular hell.”
28. An architect, an artist and an engineer are in hell waiting to speak with the Devil. The Devil calls on the architect first, and explains Hell will soon be welcoming its 10 billionth resident. To celebrate, he is commissioning the architect to design a regional expansion for Hell. The architect says, “I see. What is your budget for this project?” The Devil says there is no budget: “Hell has always had sufficient resources to build all that is required.” He then asks the artist to create signage and environmental graphics for the new structures. The artist says, “Before I start, I’ll need to know what colors you want to work with.” The Devil explains all colors are available. The engineer is next. “All right, Devil, spill the details on these new buildings and the expected traffic loads, utilities usage, orientation and site drainage. Then I’ll know where to start the structural design.” The Devil says, “When you get to Hell, we can go over all that.” The engineer sighs and says, “Well in that case, I guess the first thing I’d better do is go through and check all your existing work…”
29. Did you hear about the Devil’s birthday party? He was sulking alone because no one RSVP’d. Then suddenly the doorbell rang. The Devil opened it and found Jesus standing there with a cake. “I just came to say I forgive you and we can still be friends,” said Jesus. Touched by the gesture, the Devil let him in and they celebrated together. When Jesus left, the Devil thought that maybe he had misjudged Jesus. But then he noticed Jesus had left the cake but taken all the forks, knives, and plates. “That son of a beach,” muttered the Devil. “He did it again.”
30. The devil was feeling generous one day, so he offered a man whatever he wanted in exchange for his soul. The man thought carefully and said, “I want a highway from my house directly to heaven so I can drive there whenever I want.” The devil responded, “Sorry, I don’t have the jurisdiction to build that highway. You’ll have to settle for something else.” A week later, the man came across the devil again and asked for a staircase from his house to heaven, but the devil refused again, saying he couldn’t do anything on heaven’s property. Finally, the man cried out in desperation, “Come on, give me something here! There must be something you can build to heaven.” The devil replied, “The best I can do is a highway or stairway from your house directly to hell. Then you’ll just have to suffer through the connection from hell to heaven, but that’s way more than most people get.”
31. Why did the devil get a speeding ticket? He was raising hell on the highway.
32. The devil decided to take the day off from evil and stayed home playing video games instead. When a junior demon told him he was being lazy, the devil just shrugged and said, “Eh, the lord of the flies can have a day off once in a while.”
33. Three men die and go to hell. The devil says to them, “You boys have caught me in a good mood today, so I’m going to let you go if you can answer one simple question.” He looks at the first guy and asks, “What is the root of all evil?” “Uh, that’s easy,” says the first guy, “Money!” “Sorry,” says the devil, “you’re wrong.” He then turns to the second guy. “Alright, same question. What is the root of all evil?” “Isn’t it obvious?” says the second guy. “Sex!” “No, sorry,” says the devil. “You’re also wrong.” Finally, he turns to the third guy and asks, “Okay genius, what’s the root of all evil?” The third guys smiles and says, “The root of all evil is the devil!” The devil grins and says, “Very good! That’s correct.” Then the third guy gets a confused look on his face. “So why don’t you let us go then?” The devil just chuckles, pats him on the back, and says, “Think I’m stupid? I’m not going to let three lawyers out of hell.”
34. One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil. He asks the devil what hell is like. The devil says, “Let me show you around.” Walking around, they see a big group of people in a pit, on fire, screaming in agony. The guy asks, “What’s up with them?” The devil responds, “Oh, those are the hypocrites. They say one thing but do another so we burn them for eternity.” They continue walking and see another pit with people up to their necks in what looks like dog poop, screaming in agony as well. The guy asks, “What’s up with them?” The devil says, “Oh, those are the gossipers. Trash just spews from their mouths so we make them eat dog poop for eternity.” As they’re walking, the guy steps in some poop and keeps walking. The devil asks him, “Dude, you just stepped in some poop. Aren’t you going to wipe it off your shoe?” Guy responds, “Nah, it’ll fall off in a couple miles.”
35. An engineer dies and goes to hell. He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from one place to another more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection. Now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on hell to see how his grand design is working. Noticing that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks, he asks the devil what’s up? The devil says, “Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer.” “What?” says God. “An engineer? I didn’t send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately.” The devil responds, “No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him.” God demands, “If you don’t send him to me immediately, I’ll sue!” The devil laughs. “Where are you going to get a lawyer?”
36. Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool.
37. I’m glad I know sign language, it’s pretty handy.
38. Two clowns are eating a circus performer. One turns to the other and asks, “Does this taste funny to you?”
39. I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
40. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
41. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster. But if anything, it made him more sluggish.
42. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt too badly—it was a soft drink.
43. I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
44. Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? In case they get a hole in one!
45. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
