Bagel Puns (20)
1. I knead to tell you some bagel puns to get a rise out of you.
2. What did the bagel say when it was feeling down? I’m feeling holey today.
3. Two bagels walk into a bakery. One was a-salted.
4. That bagel has a lot of crust acting so rude! Have a heart.
5. I was feeling sad, but my friend cheered me up by taking me out for a cinna-meal. It was just what I kneaded.
6. Bagels that fly are unbaleavable!
7. I bought day old bagels that were marked down. You could say I got them for a steal!
8. My friend got mugged by a giant bagel. The police called it a case of loaf and battery.
9. The best way to make a bagel happy is to schmear a smile on its face.
10. That everything bagel has a big ego. It’s so full of itself!
11. Be careful when telling bagel jokes, people might get upset for no raisin.
12. Bagels should see a therapist. They have a lot of issues to work through.
13. I’m no meteorologist, but I can predict there’s a 100% chance of flurries if you have an everything bagel.
14. I’m glad I’m not a bagel. I’d hate to get toasted all the time!
15. I was gonna make a pizza bagel, but I didn’t have the crust to do it.
16. Zombies like brains, but bagels prefer spreaaaaaads.
17. I don’t trust bagels. They’re always so shady!
18. What do you call a frozen bagel? A brrrr-gel!
19. Bagels that work out are very fit and toned.
20. I’m gonna open up a bagel bed and breakfast and call it Rest ‘n’ Schmear.
Bagel One-Liners (20)
21. I bet bagels hate cardio—it’s their arch enemy!
22. I saw a help wanted sign at the bagel factory for a dough puncher.
23. I’ve got a bagel baby on the way, we’re gonna name it Cream Cheese.
24. Bagels don’t actually have eyes, but they seen a lot.
25. Never trust a talking bagel—it’s obviously a loaf of lies.
26. I caught my bagel spreading rumors and gossip. What a holey terror!
27. Bagels may have holes, but they have a heart of gold.
28. Bagels gone wild! Someone stop that cinnamon raisin flashing the paparazzi!
29. Bagels have little mouths but plenty of crust to share their opinions.
30. Contrary to popular belief, getting mugged by a bagel leaves no crumbs behind.
31. Bagels and donuts have a complicated relationship—they go together like holes and poles.
32. My bagel got arrested for tres-bready on private poppy property.
33. A day without bagels is a crummy one indeed.
34. Bagels may look soft but they’re actually hard-crusted characters.
35. If at first you don’t succeed, try brioche instead. Bagels are overrated.
36. All the bagels I date just want me for my schmear!
37. Bagels are pretty judgmental for a bunch of bread with built-in blindspots.
38. Behind every great sandwich is an even greater bagel.
39. If you love something set it free…unless it’s a bagel—keep that for yourself!
40. Bagels don’t get enough credit for their hole-istic health benefits.
Best Bagel Jokes (64)
41. Why did the bagel cross the road? To get to the bread side.
42. A man walks into a bagel shop and asks “Do you have pumpernickel bagels?” The owner says “No, I’m sorry we just have a simple bakery here.” The man replies “Don’t worry, I’ll just take what you have.”
43. What did the robot say to the bagel? You look metalicious!
44. Why don’t eggs tell bagel jokes? They’d crack each other up!
45. A stale bagel walked into a bar. The bartender said “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”
46. What do you call a frozen bagel? An ice puck!
47. Why was the cinnamon raisin bagel thrown out of school? It was caught stealing the teacher’s rolls!
48. How does a bagel try to lose weight? It goes on a loaf-carb diet.
49. What did one bagel say to the other while they were baking? It’s getting hot in herre!
50. Why do sesame bagels make the best babysitters? Because they can handle anything that’s thrown at them!
51. What did the bagel say to the policeman? Donut arrest me!
52. How does a bagel get in shape? It works its buns off at the gym!
53. Why don’t bagels ever come late to work? They like to rise and shine early!
54. Which bagels bake the fastest? The fastest ones are always on a roll.
55. How does a bagel propose to their sweetheart? They get down on one crumb and pop the question!
56. What do you call a zoo entirely populated with bagels? A bread zoo!
57. Why are bagels the most optimistic breakfast? They always look on the bright side up!
58. What did the bagel say when it got a promotion? I’m on a roll!
59. Why did the bagel win the Nobel Prize? For its work in physics proving torus the best shape!
60. Why do bagels make great scientists? They have a lot of loxperience.
61. What did one bagel say to the other? Don’t worry, everything’s gonna be alt-rye.
62. Why can’t bagels play tennis? They don’t have the proper crustroke.
63. Why do bagels make great comedians? They have a wry sense of hummus.
64. What’s a bagel’s favorite Beatles song? Holey Moley!
65. Why did the bagel blush? It saw the cream cheese spread.
66. What did the pirate say when he saw a rainbow bagel? Color me sur-prise!
67. Why are bagels the most polite breakfast? They never cause a crumb-motion.
68. How did the bagel propose to its girlfriend? Mustard up the courage to pop the question!
69. Why can’t you trust an everything bagel? They’re full of bologna!
70. Why do bagels make great builders? They have experience in the field of yeast development.
71. What do you call a frozen everything bagel? An ice-olated incident.
72. Why do bagels stay away from construction sites? They don’t wanna get grilled!
73. Why do bagels make good therapists? They’re great listeners with an open crumb policy.
74. How does a bagel party? It pops, locks and bagel drops!
75. What’s a bagel’s favorite workout? Spinning classes.
76. Why don’t bagels make good sailors? They get seasick easily.
77. How does a bagel get in and out of its apartment? With its own key loaf!
78. What do you call a really scary bagel? A McBoooo!
79. Why do bagels make great judges? They consider all sides before making a ruling.
80. Why did the bagel win the math competition? It knew how to properly use its radius!
81. How does a bagel spy on its enemies? It keeps an eye on the hole situation.
82. What kind of music do bagels like? Anything poppy!
83. Why don’t bagels ever interrupt? They don’t want to be crusty.
84. How does a bagel unwind after work? By taking a breadcation!
85. Why can’t bagels be left unsupervised? They get up to some crusty business.
86. Why do bagels make great writers? They have a natural gift with punchlines.
87. What did the bagel say when its sister got engaged? I’m so holey for you!
88. Why do bagels make good detectives? They can always solve the case and catch the cruminal.
89. Why did the opera singer favor bagels? She found them quite a-peeling.
90. How does a bagel party? By poppy locking and bagel dropping!
91. What did the bagel say when it won the Nobel Prize? I’m honored from my crust to my core!
92. Why don’t bagels ever feel lonely? They can always split themselves in half.
93. Why don’t eggs tell bagel jokes? They’d crack each other up!
94. What did the scientist say when he discovered a glow-in-the-dark bagel? My experiment has been an enlightening experience!
95. Why can’t bagels be left unsupervised? They get up to some crusty business.
96. What do you call a bagel that works as a cook? A sous chef.
97. Why do bagels make good detectives? They can always solve the case and catch the cruminal.
98. How does Moses make his bagels? Hebrews them.
99. What did one bagel say to the other when they got stuck together? We’re in a real jam now!
100. Why did the bagel win the Nobel prize? It had a brilliant mind and made major breakthroughs in its field.
101. How does a bagel spy on its enemies? It keeps an eye on the hole situation.
102. What do you call a frozen bagel? An ice puck!
103. Why don’t eggs tell bagel jokes? They’d crack each other up!
104. Why was the bagel late for work? It got stuck in a jam.