Receipt Puns
1. I was going to make a joke about receipts, but the cashier said I should keep the change.
2. The receipt was so long, it was a re-sequel.
3. I asked for the receipt but all they gave me was re-ceipt silence.
4. The impatient customer grabbed the receipt before the cashier was finished printing it. I guess they wanted it pronto-receipt.
5. I spilled coffee all over the restaurant receipt. Now that’s a grande mess.
6. The cashier asked if I wanted the receipt, but I declined since I’m on an all-carbs diet.
7. I was hoping my $10 lottery ticket would be a big winner, but in the end it was just another re-treat.
8. The celebrity tried to get the receipt to avoid paying taxes. That’s evasion of re-ceipts.
9. I accidently put the receipt through the washing machine. Now it’s clean as a re-sweep.
10. The man was overjoyed when he found out his receipt contained the winning lottery numbers. Talk about a re-ceipt for celebration!
Receipt One-Liners
11. This receipt is so long, my arm is getting tired just holding it!
12. Receipt? More like re-tree with how long this paper is!
13. Who needs a novel when you have this receipt to read?
14. Receipt? You mean novel excerpt.
15. Save the trees – stop printing kilometre long receipts!
16. Receipts so long you could wallpaper a room with them.
17. If I get a papercut from this receipt, I’m suing!
18. Congrats, your receipt qualifies as a short story.
19. Roses are red, receipts are excessive, why can’t you print something more concise?
20. Next time I’ll bring a book stand to prop up this long receipt.
Best Receipt Jokes
21. I was out shopping the other day and bought a few small items – some lip balm, a candle, a card. When the cashier gave me the receipt it trailed all the way to the floor. I said, “Wow, that’s a long receipt for just three small items!” The cashier shrugged and said, “Sorry about that, we specialize in long re-ceipts for small purchases.”
22. My wife and I went out to eat last night and when the bill came, the receipt was a foot long! I called over the waiter and said, “Excuse me, but is this the restaurant receipt or the grocery store receipt?” He looked confused until I pointed at the comically long piece of paper. He laughed and said, “I’m so sorry sir, our printer has been on the fritz, giving everyone novel length receipts.” My wife joked, “Well at least we got dinner and a show tonight reading through War and Peace over here!”
23. I was at the craft store the other day buying some beads for a project. When the cashier rang me up, she started printing my receipt and it just kept coming and coming! Everyone in line started staring as the paper practically hit the floor. I said to the cashier, “Geez, how many trees did you have to kill just to print this thing?!” She giggled and said these long receipts were the bane of her existence. She tried to be quick about it, but the ancient printer takes forever. By the time she finally ripped off the mile-long paper, we were all laughing. I told her, “No worries, I can always use this as a jump rope for my kids!”
24. The other day I went through the drive-thru at a fast food place and ordered just a soda. When I got up to the window, the cashier handed me a drink the size of my arm. I looked at it confused and said, “I’m sorry I just ordered a small.” The cashier laughed and said, “No that’s your receipt!” We both busted up laughing as she handed me the actual soda – which of course came with another receipt that could wallpaper my entire house!
25. I was checking out at the home improvement store after buying just a few small things – some screws, a lightbulb, caulk. When the cashier printed my receipt, it came out so long that it coiled up into a giant roll on the counter! The cashier looked mortified and I joked, “Where’s the rest of my order? I feel like I should’ve gotten 100 items for this!” The cashier apologized profusely but I told her not to worry about it. I could find plenty of uses for these extra yards of receipt paper she gave me!
26. My husband and I were at the electronics store checking out the big TVs. An eager sales rep came over and launched into a lengthy spiel about all the technical specs on the TVs. After 10 minutes he was still rambling on. My husband whispered to me, “Is this guy an employee or a walking, talking receipt?” I stifled a laugh – my husband was right, this sales pitch just kept going and going. I finally interjected, “Sir, I think we get the point – these TVs have more features than we can handle. We just need something for Netflix.” The rep looked startled that we cut him off mid-receipt. I mean, mid-speech!
27. I went through the McDonald’s drive-thru and ordered two burgers and a soda. When I got to the window, the cashier handed me a bag the size of a laundry basket! I peered inside and it was just my two burgers and drink. I said to the cashier, “Um, did I order enough food to feed an army?” She laughed and said, “No, that’s just the receipt!” She handed me the actual small bag with my food and I couldn’t believe the giant “bag” was just the paper receipt. I joked that they must have given me the paperwork for purchasing the whole McDonald’s franchise!
28. I was shopping for some new clothes over the weekend and found a few good deals at my favorite store. When I went to check out, the cashier scanned my three items then printed out a receipt that dragged to the floor! I picked up the end of it and pretended to mummify myself in all the paper. The cashier laughed and said the printer had been jammed up all day shooting out reams of receipts. I told her no worries – I’d take my new streamer home for New Years! She offered to reprint me a smaller receipt but I declined. This one was more memorable!
29. My wife and I ate at a nice restaurant and when we got the bill, the receipt was pages long! I made an offhand joke to the waiter, “Geez, did you have to write a novel just for our order?” He actually seemed embarrassed as he explained their printer had issues printing receipts. My wife and I felt bad for the guy – he didn’t choose the ancient printer! I told him not to worry about it and that we’d thoroughly enjoy reading War and Peace tonight before bed. He laughed and thanked us for being understanding. I left him a good tip for putting up with a finicky medieval printer!
30. I was grabbing lunch at a fast food joint last week and ordered just a burger and fries. When the cashier handed me my food, she also produced a receipt that stretched across the counter and coiled up on the floor. I was stunned and said, “That’s got to be a record!” The cashier apologized profusely, admitting their printer had issues and loved to churn out yards of receipts. I told her not to sweat it – I’d take my receipt home and use it to slate my driveway! She was relieved I didn’t make a fuss. I figured the poor girl didn’t design this ridiculous printer. Although I did suggest they look into something more compact!
31. I went to the craft store to pick up a few sewing supplies – some thread, needles, buttons. When the cashier rang up my purchase, the ancient printer came to life and started slowly screeching out the longest receipt I’d ever seen! It just kept coming and coming, piling up on the counter. The poor cashier looked so embarrassed, apologizing while also trying to catch the still spitting out paper. I joked, “It’s okay, I’ll put this to good use – my daughter has been begging me for some string lights for her room!” That got a laugh from the cashier and woman behind me in line. Leave it to cranky old printers to turn a basic receipt into a major production.
32. My husband and I were checking out at the home goods store after getting just a few small items. When the cashier handed us our receipt, it trailed all the way to the floor! My husband picked it up and pretended he was a mummy, all wrapped up in the paper. I couldn’t help cracking up. The cashier apologized profusely but I told her not to worry about it. I said, “They always tell you to take the receipt just in case you need to make a return. Well with this thing, no one can deny we made a purchase today!” Sometimes you just have to laugh at malfunctioning technology.
33. I went through the McDonald’s drive-thru and ordered a combo meal. When I got to the window, the cashier handed me a bag the size of a pillowcase! I looked inside and it was just my burger, fries and drink. I gave the cashier a confused look and said, “Um, I think you gave me the bag for a party of 20!” She laughed and explained the giant bag was actually just their giant receipt. I couldn’t believe the ream of paper was for my $6 order. I jokingly asked if the receipt came with fries too! The cashier apologized for the excessive paper. I told her no worries – I now had Halloween wrapping paper for next year!
34. My boyfriend and I went to the home improvement store to get a few small things – some paint swatches, light bulbs, nails. When we checked out, the cashier’s ancient printer whirred to life and spit out a receipt that trailed almost to the floor! My boyfriend grabbed the end of it and pretended to use it as a jump rope. I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes! The poor cashier kept apologizing, but I told him it was fine. I said that outdated technology keeps life interesting! He was grateful we had a sense of humor about the absurdly long receipt. My boyfriend reassured him that one day printers would join the modern world. Until then, we’d be first in line for the jump rope receipts!
35. I stopped by the craft store yesterday to pick up a couple small items – some googly eyes, pipe cleaners and glue. When the cashier rang up my purchase, the Jurassic era printer buzzed to life and slowly spit out a receipt that piled up on the counter. The cashier looked mortified and kept apologizing, but I just started laughing. I asked her, “Is this a receipt or the first chapters of a novel?” That made her chuckle a bit through her embarrassment. I really didn’t mind – I figured she wasn’t the mastermind behind that outdated piece of tech. I neatly folded up my oversized receipt and said I’d put it to use decorating my daughter’s room! The cashier looked relieved that I hadn’t made a fuss. And I even got some bonus craft paper!
36. My wife and I ate at a nice restaurant downtown last night. When the waiter brought our bill, we were shocked to see a receipt that was five pages long! I made a joke that the kitchen must have messed up and printed the wine list instead. The waiter was mortified as he explained their printer had been on the fritz, creating massive receipts for every table. My wife helped smooth things over, noting technology doesn’t always cooperate with us. We didn’t want the poor guy to feel bad about something out of his control. In the end, we just folded up our novel length receipt and took it home as a souvenir. And we made sure to tip well for the waiter having to deal with a temperamental printer!
37. I went through the McDonald’s drive-thru and ordered a few burgers and a drink. When I got to the window, the cashier handed me bag that was bigger than my head! I looked inside and it just had my normal order. I gave the cashier a confused look and said, “I think you accidentally gave me all the food for the whole day!” She laughed and said, “No, that’s just our giant receipt!” I couldn’t believe the paper was longer than the bag with my actual food. I told the cashier they might want to look into compact receipts. She rolled her eyes, so I could tell she agreed! I didn’t blame her for the printer situation. I just took my oversized “bag” home as a conversation piece!
38. My girlfriend and I were shopping for some home goods – pillows, picture frames, other random items. When we went to check out, it took a ridiculously long time because the ancient printer was slowly grinding out a receipt that seemed never-ending! It just kept inching out more and more paper until it was a pile on the floor. My girlfriend and I looked at each other trying not to crack up. The poor cashier was so embarrassed. I reassured him it was fine, technology likes to mess with us sometimes. I’ll admit I did joking ask if the receipt came with a lifetime warranty for the store! That finally made the cashier laugh a little. We didn’t want him to feel bad, so we thanked him for his patience and gathered up our excessive receipt to take home.
39. I was at the drive-thru at a fast food place last week and ordered a meal combo. When I got to the window, the cashier handed me a drink and then set down a ridiculously large bag. I looked inside and it was my normal order. I gave the cashier a puzzled look and said, “Wait, did I order enough food for ten people?” She laughed and explained the giant bag was actually just housing their enormous receipt. Well, I certainly got my daily dose of fiber swallowing that cellulose behemoth! I joked with the cashier that I could use the five foot long receipt to practice my wrapping skills before the holidays. She admitted the ancient printer was a pain but thanked me for not making a fuss. All I could do was shake my head and laugh. Well, maybe that receipt would bring me luck if I used it for scratchers!
40. My husband and I went to the home improvement store to grab a few small things – some nails, a small can of paint, tape. When we checked out, the cashier’s printer revved up like an airplane engine and spit out a receipt that was several yards long! My husband and I looked at each other trying not to laugh. I said to the cashier, “Wow, we really did some serious shopping today, huh?” That finally made her crack a smile. She apologized and admitted their printer had a glitch where it just keeps printing and printing receipts into oblivion. I told her not to feel bad – I’d just use this as holiday wrapping paper! No use getting upset over the quirks of technology. The cashier thanked me for being so chill and for giving her a much needed laugh about the absurdly long receipt.
41. I went to grab a coffee the other day and ordered just a small iced mocha. When the barista handed me my drink, she also passed me a receipt that stretched across the entire counter! My jaw dropped as I looked between my petite cup and the giant ribbon of paper. I said, “Wow, I really overdid it on that coffee order apparently!” The barista giggled and admitted their printer had been on the fritz, producing receipts that could circle the globe. We had a good laugh about the woes of cranky technology. I didn’t want to make her feel bad, so I neatly rolled up my novel length receipt to take home. I told her I appreciated the extra reading material to enjoy with my coffee! The barista was so relieved I hadn’t gotten upset. And I walked away smiling, receipt coffee in hand.
