Christmas Puns (12)
- What do you call an old snowman? A puddle!
- Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
- How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? Fleece Navidad!
- What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
- Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!
- What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to an Elf Farm!
- Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor? He was feeling crummy!
- What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph!
- Why did Santa take a bath before delivering presents? He wanted to be clean for Christmas!
- Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho!
- What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? Santa Clues!
Christmas One-Liners (10)
- I told Santa I wanted something that goes 0 to 200 in 6 seconds this year. He got me a bathroom scale.
- My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.
- Christmas is the time of year when everyone gets Santamental.
- The worst gift I got for Christmas? A thesaurus from a dinosaur.
- For Christmas, I asked Santa for the ability to do the splits. He said, “How flexible!”
- My wife asked, “What do you want for Christmas this year – something shiny or something that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds?” I said, “Surprise me!” On Christmas morning, she got me a scale and a fridge.
- On the 12 Days of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping…and a partridge in a pear tree that the drummers and pipers kept scaring away.
- I ordered batteries for my remote car, but they never showed up. I guess I have a no re-mote control car now.
- Nothing makes you feel more like a man than when you can’t assemble your kid’s Christmas gifts.
- My wife told me to take the Christmas decorations down. “I will,” I said, “in a minuet!”
Best Christmas Jokes (13)
1. One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.
“Look at that,” remarked Peter to Joe, “That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!”
2. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They jingle like a bell.”
Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just how do those symbolize Christmas?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
3. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It’s a candle”, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just how do those symbolize Christmas?”
The paddy replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
4. One year at Christmas, Joe’s company really came through and gave him an amazing gift: a train set. Though consumed with work, Joe was very excited and vowed to set it up on Christmas Day. However, due to family obligations, decorating, and preparations for cooking Christmas dinner, Joe didn’t get a chance to set up the train set until late in the evening.
Around 9 pm on Christmas night, Joe’s wife came into the living room and saw the frenzied state Joe was in trying to set up the intricate train set. Parts were strung about, the tiny electric motor was not hooked up, and Joe was visibly frustrated. Seeing his frustration, she gently said, “Honey, why don’t you go to bed? You’ve got work tomorrow and can finish this tomorrow night.”
Joe looked at her, clearly irritated and said, “No! I must finish this tonight and I can do it!”
About 15 minutes later, Joe’s wife came back into the living room to check on him and found Joe sitting on the floor crying amidst the strewn about train pieces. She sat down next to him, rubbed his back, and gently asked what was wrong.
“Well,” Joe began through tears, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to finish this. There’s no train of thought!”
5. Bill begged and pleaded with his parents to get him a BB gun for Christmas.
“BB guns are dangerous!” said his mother.
“Give me a break,” said Bill, “I’m responsible enough not to do anything wrong. I even know where I’d keep it.”
Figuring he may have a point, Bill’s parents finally conceded and bought him a BB gun for Christmas.
The next day, Bill’s mother went searching for him only to find a trail of blood from the living room leading to the bathroom. She panicked, ran to get her husband, and they both sprinted back to the bathroom. Inside, they found Bill with the BB gun in one hand and a bloody dish towel in the other.
“I was just playing with the BB gun when Bingo the dog ran by,” he explained. “He started barking and scared me, so I shot him.”
Bill’s father inspected the dog’s wound and quickly determined it was minor. “That was irresponsible and dangerous!” he scolded. “Don’t you know where you’re supposed to keep the gun?”
“I do know!” insisted Bill. He held up the dish towel and said, “Right here in the bathroom!”
6. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It’s a candle”, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just how do those symbolize Christmas?”
The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
7. What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
8. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride riding on a one-horse open sleigh. Dash through the snow, in a 235 horsepower sleigh. Over the fields we go, crashing all the way!
9. Two friends meet on Christmas Eve.
“Hey man, it’s Christmas Eve. Shouldn’t you be with your family?”
“Nah, my family went on a trip without me.”
“So they just left you alone on Christmas Eve? That sucks.”
“Not at all! I finally get the house to myself, and I can do whatever I want in peace and quiet with no judgment.”
“I guess that’s one way to look at it. Merry Christmas, enjoy your solitude!”
10. Susan had stayed up late wrapping all the Christmas presents for her children. At 2 am, she realized she was out of gift tags. So in the spirit of Christmas, she decided to write humorous poems on the wrapping paper to identify each gift recipient.
The next morning, Susan was awakened by the sound of laughter downstairs. Her son Tim had found the present intended for his younger sister Jen. It was a leather jacket, and Susan had written on the wrapping paper:
To Jennifer, with love gentle and tender – may this gift from Santa suit you to a T. Wear this leather coat, with heels high as can be, strut your stuff wherever you go, feel sexy and fabulous from head to toe!
Tim was rolling on the floor laughing uncontrollably at his mother’s attempt at playful poetry. Susan smiled thinking about how much fun Christmas morning is for the whole family.
11. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It’s a candle”, he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just how do those symbolize Christmas?”
The Irishman replied, “They’re Carol’s.”
12. What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple!
13. One Christmas morning, a mom went to wake up her son, “Wake up, it’s Christmas!”
The boy replied, “I don’t celebrate Christmas.”
Confused, the mom asked, “Why not?”
The boy answered, “Because I’m Jewish.”
The mom laughed and said, “But you’re my son!”
The boy looked at her and said, “Mom, I’m adopted.”
Shocked the mother cried, “What? No you’re not! Why would you say that?!”
The boy jumped up with excitement and said, “Because it’s April Fool’s Day!”