Cactus Puns (25)
1. I was feeling a little prickly today so I decided to tell some jokes about cacti.
2. My friend got a job at a nursery taking care of cacti. I told him to make sure he handles the plants carefully or he’ll end up with a bunch of needle punctures.
3. I accidentally bumped into a cactus today. Thankfully I didn’t get hurt too badly, but it was still a thorny situation.
4. I tried eating a cactus because I heard they’re a good source of fiber. It was so tasty I almost went back for succ-ulent seconds.
5. A cowboy walked into a bar covered in cactus needles. The bartender asked, “Hey buddy, looks like you’re having a prickly day, huh?”
6. My friend got angry and threw a cactus at me. I ducked just in time, but that guy really needs to learn how to de-stress.
7. I accidentally sat on a cactus and got needles all over my butt. Talk about a real pain in the grass!
8. What do you call a cactus that’s just okay? A satis-factual cactus.
9. Why don’t cacti make good houseplants? They take up too much spache.
10. Cacti may seem tough on the outside but they’re actually very soft-hearted plants.
11. What did the cactus say when it started growing flowers? “I’m blooming excited!”
12. How did the gardener win over the affection of the beautiful cactus? He was just so charming.
13. Why was the cactus late for school? It overslept.
14. Why don’t cacti make good dancers? They have two left feats.
15. How does a cactus listen to music? On its stereo.
16. Where do baby cacti come from? The stork brings them.
17. What’s a cactus’s favorite game? Needle in a haystack.
18. How did the gardener win the cactus over? He had some killer pickup lines.
19. Why was the cactus angry after Thanksgiving dinner? It had a bad pearing with the pineapple.
20. How does a cactus look cool? It puts on its pair of shades.
21. Why did the cactus cross the road? To get to the other sighed.
22. What do you call a lazy cactus? A slacker-tus.
23. Why are cacti the most patriotic plants? They have the stars and pricks on them.
24. Why did the cactus go to college? To get more edu-spines.
25. How does a cactus feel pain? It lets out little owches.
Cactus One-Liners (10)
26. I hugged a cactus once. Never again.
27. Cacti make me prickly. Get it away from me!
28. Be careful around cacti, they’re sharp characters.
29. Make like a cactus and stick it!
30. Cacti: Ruining hugs since forever.
31. Roses are red, cacti are green, touch them and you’ll see what I mean.
32. They said “X marks the spot.” Turns out it was just a cactus.
33. Cactus: Protecting precious water since always.
34. Poke a cactus, get poked back – fair is fair.
35. Cactus style: prickly on the outside, gooey on the inside.
Best Cactus Jokes (49)
36. A man was walking through the desert one hot summer day when he stumbled upon a large cactus. Starving and thirsty, he thought perhaps the inside of the plant might contain liquid so he took out his pocket knife and cut into the cactus. Suddenly, a genie popped out and said “Thank you for freeing me from my desert prison! In return I will grant you three wishes.”
The man thought for a moment and then said “For my first wish, I want to be endlessly supplied with food and water.” The genie snapped his fingers and it was done. For his second wish, the man asked for a luxurious oasis to live in. Again, the genie made it happen. For his final wish, the man, after carefully considering how to best maximize his gift, said “For my last wish, I want you to make me into a cactus.”
37. Sally was visiting the botanical gardens when she spotted an enormous cactus. She leaned in to take a closer look and tripped, falling face first onto the giant plant. Sally let out a muffled scream as thousands of spines pierced her skin. Her friend Camilla came rushing over to help. “Stop moving!” Camilla shouted. But it was too late – Sally had already damaged the cactus beyond repair.
The garden’s curator quickly hustled over, visibly upset at the destruction of his prized specimen. As Sally sobbed from the pain, the curator angrily told her she would have to pay $50,000 to replace the rare cactus. Sally felt awful and handed over her credit card. The curator swiped it through the reader and then paused. “Actually, the cost is $49,999. I must’ve pricked you once myself!” he said with a grin.
38. Martha was driving through the desert when suddenly her car broke down miles away from civilization. She decided to start walking in hopes of finding help but soon got lost in the seemingly endless expanse of sand and cacti.
As the hot sun beat down, she became increasingly dehydrated and desperate. Finally, up ahead she spotted an enormous cactus and staggered toward it, overjoyed at the prospect of finding shade and water. However, as she reached out to touch it, the cactus revealed itself to be a mirage which promptly vanished.
Martha sank to her knees in despair, hoarsely crying out “Curse you, cruel cactus! Can you not see I’m in need?” Unexpectedly, the air shimmered in front of her and the cactus reappeared. In a booming voice it replied “I may be a prickly plant, but I’m no jerk. Grab on and I’ll guide you to safety with my powers of perception!”
39. Sue loved tending to the exotic cacti in her greenhouse. One plant in particular, a rare moon cactus, was her pride and joy. The mutant graftedsucculent had a bright pink top and a vivid green body. Sue cared meticulously for her moon cactus, making sure it had just the right soil, fertilizer, sunlight, and moisture.
One morning, Sue arrived to find the pink top of her moon cactus turning brown and shriveling up. She rushed to examine the plant, gently running her hands over the damaged part to assess the problem. She cried out in pain as dozens of sharp spines lodgeddeep into her fingers. Though hurt by her beloved plant, Sue forgave themoon cactus, as she knew the prickly defense mechanism was just its nature.
40. The Sheriff of Prickly Gulch let out an exasperated sigh. He’d gotten multiple reports of a mysterious cactus bandit terrorizing the town, but he didn’t believe them until now.
Staring grimly at the ransacked general store before him, his eyes followed the trail of debris – shelves tipped over, items scattered everywhere and tiny potted cacti lining the path of destruction.
He crouched down to examine a discarded saguaro arm and muttered “The Cactus Kid strikes again.” The outlaw was getting bolder, moving on from robbing stagecoaches to shops in broad daylight. As he stood back up, the Sheriff stepped on a detached jumping cholla ball which latched onto his boot.
“Dadburnit!” he hollered, trying to shake it off while avoiding the spines. This Cactus Kid had been nothing but a nuisance since he first showed up in Prickly Gulch, but the Sheriff was determined to put him behind bars once and for all.
41. I had just parked my car and was walking towards the mall entrance when a scruffy looking man approached me. “Spare some change for a poor blind man?” he asked, staring at me with cloudy eyes. I was about to hand him a few coins when I noticed a large cactus in a pot sitting near his feet.
“Wait a minute,” I said, pointing at the plant. “How can you be blind if you have that cactus there? You must be able to see to avoid the spines.”
The man’s eyes widened briefly before he quickly recovered, saying “Oh, this cactus was a gift from a kind stranger who didn’t realize I can’t see it.”
I wasn’t buying his story however, and pressed him further. “Cacti need very specific care and maintenance to survive. So if you’re blind, how have you been able to keep this one alive and healthy?”
Seeing I was onto his ruse, the man grumbled “Alright lady, you got me,” grabbed his cactus, and walked away.
42. The famous outlaw Black Spine Bob was causing havoc throughout the Wild West. Known for his menacing gunslinging and love of cacti, he terrorized towns and robbed dozens of stagecoaches. The sheriffs trying to catch him never had much luck; Black Spine Bob was crafty and knew the desert’s every hideout.
One day, the sheriff of Dusty Plains got word that Bob was planning to rob a gold shipment passing through town. He rounded up his best deputies and told them “This is our chance – Black Spine don’t know we’re onto him. While he’s busy with the gold, you boys flank him from that cactus grove over there. We’ll ambush him before he can escape into the prickly maze.”
The deputies followed the sheriff’s plan perfectly, surrounding Bob and forcing him to surrender. As he was escorted away in handcuffs, one deputy leaned in close and whispered “We knew exactly how to prick your plans.”
43. Hank was exploring the Sonoran Desert when a thunderstorm rolled in. Seeking shelter, he spotted a cave and went inside. To his surprise, the cave was filled with towering saguaro cacti. Hank stared in awe at the unusual underground forest.
As the rain poured outside, drops started dripping into the cave, landing on the saguaros’ outstretched arms. To Hank’s astonishment, each drop that fell on a saguaro produced a deep resonant sound, like a guitar string being plucked.
Overcome by this magical experience, Hank took out his own guitar and started strumming along with the “playing” cacti. The saguaros seemed to sway and dance, making their music louder as Hank’s guitar built up energy within the cave.
When the storm finally passed, Hank emerged back into the desert – his spirit forever moved by the cactus concert hall.
44. Cactus Pete was the friendliest cowboy you ever did see. He’d sit on his porch waving to strangers with a big grin on his face. “Howdy partners! Come on up and stay a while,” he’d holler. Pete’s ranch was quite the sight – every square inch covered in cacti. Small ones inside, tall ones outside, and even cactus-patterned upholstery!
Despite all the prickliness, Pete handled the plants with ease. He’d hug ’em and sing to ’em daily. Visitors would marvel at how he sustained no injuries. When asked how it was possible, Pete laughed and said: “I just love all my cactus friends, so they love me back and don’t poke!”
45. Martha was an avid gardener whose yard featured rare and exotic plants. After cultivating everything from orchids to carnivorous pitcher plants, she decided to grow cacti.
At the garden center, Martha fawned over the prickly selection. One specimen in particular caught her eye – a beautiful giant saguaro that would be the perfect centerpiece for her new xeriscape landscape. Without thinking, she enthusiastically hugged and kissed the enormous cactus, exclaiming “You’re coming home with me!”
The horrified garden center staff rushed over, having to carefully detach poor Martha who was absolutely covered in spikes. Needless to say, after she finished shrieking in pain, they made her pay double for all the “love and affection” she’d shown her new plant.
46. Bob was a risk-taking daredevil who loved pushing boundaries. He decided to combine his passion for adrenaline with his hobby of cactus care. Bob started small, gently hugging and high-fiving different cacti in his collection. As that became too easy, he moved on to stunts like belly flopping onto beds of jumping chollas and playing catch with a prickly pear.
For his greatest feat yet, Bob had a giant saguaro cactus driven to the top of El Capitan. He did a quick warmup of rolled around in barrel cacti before having himself catapulted straight into the towering saguaro’s needles. Bob’s extreme cactus stunt left him completely porcupined, but he emerged thrillingly unscathed other than some damaged pride. When asked what prompted such a foolhardy act, Bob replied: “I was just aiming to get a rise out of people!”
47. Roscoe loved the colorful culture of the Southwest, especially all the cacti that dotted the landscape. One day, he decided on a whim to hug a large prickly pear growing near the roadside. To Roascoe’s surprise, when he wrapped his arms around it, the cactus started to glow and vibrate. Suddenly, a booming voice emitted from within, stating “You have activated me, ancient cactus spirit and guardian of this land. Your courage in embracing my frightening form has proven your pure heart. Make your wish and I shall grant it!”
Startled but inspired, Roscoe thought for a moment and said “I wish to feel as free and unencumbered as you do here in the open desert.” The cactus spirit replied “Done!” and disappeared in a flash of light. Roscoe looked down to see his clothes had vanished, leaving him naked and exposed. “That backfired!” he yelped, quickly scrambling behind another cactus.
48. The notorious outlaw Porcupine Pete had quite the reputation across the Old West. Folks said he was more prickly than a cactus and quick to draw on anyone in his way. After robbing a dozen banks and trains, Pete became known as the “Cactus Kid.”
One day, Sheriff John got tipped off that Pete was hiding out in the Devil’s Cactus Patch – a thick grove rumored to be impenetrable. But John was crafty; he knew Pete’s love of cacti would be his downfall.
The sheriff gathered over 100 cactus plants and stacked them around Pete’s camp while he slept. Next morning, Pete awoke to find himself surrounded and whooped for joy. “Come and get me!” he yelled, hugging his beloved cacti. With Pete distracted, John easily snuck up and slapped handcuffs on the outlaw. “Guess you could call this a cactus double-cross!” he chuckled.
49. Rita was proudly showing off her garden when a neighbor’s kid wandered in. He stopped to touch a large prickly pear cactus, intrigued by its texture. “No, don’t!” yelled Rita, but it was too late. The boy yanked his hand back in pain after being pricked by the spines. Rita hurried over to check him, expecting tears. Instead, the boy was grinning. “It tickles!” he said, reaching to play with the cactus again.
Rita was perplexed, but figured the child was just used to minor scrapes and bumps from roughhousing. She watched nervously as he patted and poked at the plant, but he seemed unbothered. Rita shuddered, thinking how agonizing those prickles would be for her. The boy joyfully continued exploring the cactus, leaving Rita amazed and baffled by his carefree courage.
84. A father was trying to get his reluctant son enthused