Walmart Puns (15)
- What do you call a Walmart employee who is always slacking off? Aisle Be Back!
- Why was the Walmart worker fired for stealing bread? They wanted to get that dough!
- My friend got a job at Walmart but was fired on his first day. I guess he wasn’t up to the task.
- Did you hear about the Walmart cashier who kept making change incorrectly? They had to let him go due to his lack of coinage.
- How do Walmart employees party? They turn up the volume in the store speakers.
- Why are Walmart cashiers so good at math? They’re always making change!
- What did the Walmart manager say to the new trainee? Don’t worry, you’ll get the lay of the land soon.
- Why do Walmart employees get lost so easily in the store? They don’t know the aisles well.
- How does a Walmart worker fix a lightbulb? They wait for a customer to change it.
- Why don’t Walmart employees ever seem to be working? They’re always stock still.
- Did you hear about the Walmart employee who locked up all the shopping carts? They wanted to curb the wheels.
- My friend works at Walmart collecting carts. He’s a basket case.
- What’s a Walmart employee’s favorite genre of music? Aisle and beats.
- Why are Walmart employees such slow drivers? They spend all day avoiding cart collisions.
- Did you hear about the Walmart cashier who went around stealing candy bars? What a snickers scheme!
Walmart One-Liners (15)
- I went to Walmart and all the employees looked dead inside, it was like a morgue in there.
- Walmart: Where the employees look just as tired as the customers.
- Walmart is where joy goes to die.
- Walmart: Come for the low prices, leave with an overwhelming sense of existential dread.
- Walmart – Even the employees don’t want to be there.
- Walmart employees always look one bad day away from losing it completely.
- You can find just about anything at Walmart, except employee enthusiasm.
- Walmart: Where hopes and dreams go to be crushed for $11 an hour.
- Walmart: Like a zoo exhibit of dead-eyed retail workers in their natural habitat.
- Walmart – Where you can feel your will to live slowly draining away.
- Walmart employees always look like they’ve given up on life and are just waiting for death.
- Walmart – Come feel a deep sense of emptiness and futility.
- Walmart – Where happiness goes to die a slow, sad death.
- Walmart: Windowless warehouses of despair staffed by broken souls.
- Walmart: Come for the bargains, leave questioning your life choices.
Best Walmart Jokes (55)
1. I was in Walmart the other day when I suddenly heard over the intercom “Clean up on aisle 13!” The employees looked at each other confused until one said “We don’t have an aisle 13…” Everyone immediately ran out of the store screaming.
2. I saw an employee stacking cans on the shelf at Walmart and asked “Do you mind if I help? I don’t work here but I’m a bit OCD.” He laughed and said “Well I do work here and I’m a bit CDO so please put the cans in alphabetical order.”
3. My friend got fired from Walmart for putting all the Preparation H on the same shelf as the hemorrhoid donuts. His manager didn’t appreciate the creamed buns next to the bun creams.
4. Why are Walmart aisles never straight? All the employees are high.
5. I saw a Walmart employee standing in the freezer section just staring at the frozen pizzas for like 20 minutes. I asked him if he was alright and he said “Read the box…no preheating required.”
6. I asked the Walmart greeter why he had such a pathetic job. He said “Well it got so bad they fired me from my last job as a contortionist.” I asked how that was possible. He turned to me with a sigh and said “I just couldn’t bend over backwards to please my boss anymore.”
7. What does a Walmart employee say on their day off? “Can I help who’s next?”
8. I saw an elderly Walmart greeter shaking and asked him if he was ok. He said “I’m just so excited, I haven’t said hello to anyone in over 12 hours.”
9. Why are Walmart employees such bad drivers? They’re not used to seeing daylight.
10. My friend got a job at Walmart collecting shopping carts. I asked how it was going and he said “So far I’m really enjoying it, but I just have one cart complaint.”
11. What’s the difference between a day old donut and a Walmart employee? The donut still has a hole in it.
12. I saw two Walmart employees whispering to each other and chuckling. I got closer and heard one say “Let’s stick all the Tupperware lids and containers on different shelves!” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing…it was a containership conspiracy.
13. Did you hear about the Walmart cashier who was arrested for stealing a gift card? They charged him with credit card theft.
14. Why are Walmart employees so good at stocking shelves? They know all the aisles and ends.
15. Did you hear about the Walmart that burned down? They’ve decided not to reopen it because the area just doesn’t need another vacant lot.
16. What does a Walmart manager say on payday? “Please form an orderly line so I can hand you your crumbs.”
17. My friend got fired from Walmart for putting super glue on all the toilet seats. Management didn’t appreciate her dedication to customer bonding.
18. Why do Walmart cashiers have to work so quickly? So they can make all their change.
19. I saw a help wanted sign at Walmart that said “Now hiring morning shiftjanitor – hours 4am-1pm.” That can’t be right, can it?
20. What do you call a Walmart employee with half a brain? Gifted.
21. Did you hear about the Walmart that exploded? All they found was a basket casket.
22. What does a Walmart manager say when an employee calls in sick? “I hope you feel better so you can feel bad here instead.”
23. How can you tell when a Walmart employee is happy? The drool is coming out of both sides of his mouth.
24. Why are Walmart employees’ children so well behaved? They live in constant fear of being sent to work.
25. What’s the difference between a large pizza and a Walmart employee? A large pizza can feed a family of four.
26. I saw two Walmart employees sword fighting with sausage links. When I asked why, one said “We meat again!”
27. Did you hear about the Walmart that had a structural failure and collapsed? A customer came in asking where the bean aisle was and it caused a chain reaction.
28. Why can’t you ever find employees at Walmart? They’re good at hide and stock.
29. What’s the difference between a Walmart manager and a lion tamer? One wrangles sad, abused beasts, the other just has a whip and chair.
30. Why was the Walmart pharmacist fired? They kept putting all the placebos on the upper shelves.
31. Did you hear about the Walmart auto shop that only fixed foreign cars? They specialized in import repair.
32. Why are Walmart employees unhappy when they have to work the checkout? It really checks them out.
33. Did you hear about the Walmart cashier who won Employee of the Month? Everyone was shocked when a actual employee showed up to accept it.
34. Why do Walmart employees get to work so early? They like to stock up on sleep before dealing with customers.
35. What do you call a Walmart filled with polite and enthusiastic employees? Art.
36. Did you hear about the Walmart that unionized? Me neither.
37. What’s the difference between a cardboard box and a fired Walmart employee? One is empty inside and can be recycled, the other is trash.
38. I saw two Walmart employees having a rap battle in the DVD section. It was pretty intense dissing for the B-movie selection.
39. Why do Walmart employees get mad when asked where something is? Because that means they have to stop leaning on the mop handle and actually work.
40. Did you hear about the Walmart that got robbed? Thieves got away with $3.50 and a stale donut.
41. What does a Walmart manager say to a new employee? “Welcome to hell, grab a handbasket.”
42. Why are Walmart employees always ready for Halloween? They look dead all year round.
43. Did you hear about the Walmart that unionized and went on strike? They picketed for higher wages saying their current ones were unpickable.
44. Why was the Walmart employee crying while stacking cans? Because she was at the end of her shelf.
45. Did you hear about the Walmart that exploded? Police think it was arson, but employees say it was probably just poor stockpiling practices.
46. Why don’t Walmart employees ever seem to leave work? Because they can’t afford to buy their freedom.
47. My friend got fired from Walmart for eating all the cookie dough in the bakery. I guess she just couldn’t dough it anymore.
48. What’s the most common crime at Walmart? Employee sleepwalking.
49. Why do Walmart managers stay in their offices all day? Out of sight, still getting paid.
50. Did you hear about the Walmart that caught fire and all the employees burned alive? Police suspect self-immolation to escape the misery.
51. Why are Walmart employees always tired? Because they can’t even afford to energy to sleep.
52. What does a Walmart manager say to a crying employee? “Can you please weep quietly on your own time?”
53. Did you hear about the Walmart roof collapse? An employee coughed too hard and brought the whole structure down.
54. How can you tell a Walmart sales associate hates their job? By recognizing basic human facial expressions.
55. Why are Walmart employees such bad drivers? Because every turn they make takes them further from their dreams.
