Ladies Puns
1. I told my wife that I had a passion for shopping in fine furniture stores. She was completely taken a back.
2. My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a Barbie Girl” while doing chores. I told her for that she’d have to pay the Malibu bill.
3. I told my wife I was going to quit my job to become a hair stylist. She said I was making a split ends decision.
4. My wife said if I didn’t stop singing Dua Lipa songs she’d go insane. I said if that’s the case, don’t start now.
5. I asked my wife if she wanted to watch a movie about dinosaurs. She said, “Jurassic me? No thanks!”
6. I told my wife I was thinking of getting a job at a clock factory. She said, “You’d be a pendulum asset!”
7. My wife said she wanted to be more like Beyonce. I told her to walk the walk before she could talk the talk.
8. I told my wife I was going to write a book about clocks. She said, “Make every second count!”
9. My wife said she wanted to be a rockstar when she grew up. I told her she couldn’t have her cake and Ed Sheeran too.
10. My wife said she wanted to be an actress when she grew up. I told her not to get ahead of herself and to start with small roles first.
11. I told my wife I was thinking of becoming a professional horse racer. She said I shouldn’t put the cart before the horse.
12. I asked my wife if she wanted pancakes for breakfast. She said, “Crepe expectations are the root of all heartache!”
Ladies One-Liners
13. I asked my wife what she looks for in a man. She said, “A good sense of humor.” So I laughed for 5 minutes straight.
14. My wife asked me to vacuum the house. I told her that’s what I got her for.
15. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
16. I told my wife she reminded me of a champion race horse. She asked, “How so?” I said, “You always come first!”
17. My wife told me women are always right. I told her that’s correct.
18. My wife asked me why I talk so much. I told her it’s because you can’t get a word in edgewise.
19. I told my wife she was as sweet as 3.14159. She asked, “What’s that?” I said, “Pi, cutie pie!”
20. My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner. “Something light,” I said. So she slammed the door in my face.
21. My wife accused me of having zero sense of direction. So to prove her wrong, I packed up my stuff and right.
22. My wife told me to stop listening to Christmas music in July. I told her not to be such a grinch.
Best Ladies Jokes
23. My wife was bragging about how she can get ready faster than I can, so we decided to put it to the test. We set an alarm for 10 minutes while we were in bed. When it went off, I threw back the covers and raced to get dressed and ready. But when I got downstairs, my wife was already there waiting for me! “How did you manage to beat me?” I asked her. She just smiled and said, “I never went to sleep.”
24. My wife asked me to go to the store to pick up a few things, including eggs, fruit and deodorant. When I got home, she looked over the bags and got upset. “Why didn’t you get everything on the list?” she asked. I told her, “They were all out of fruit-scented deodorant!”
25. My wife and I were having dinner at a nice restaurant for our anniversary. When it came time to order dessert, I told her, “The best thing about our marriage is that it keeps getting sweeter.” She smiled and said, “You know what else keeps getting sweeter? You, now that you need reading glasses.”
26. My wife told me she had booked pilates classes for both of us. I told her, “But I don’t wanna do pilates!” She said, “Don’t worry – after a few classes, you won’t even notice the difference between pilates and pie-and-lates.”
27. My wife asked me to run to the store for her to pick up a few essentials. When I got back, I realized I had forgotten to get half the things she asked for. When she saw what I brought home, she just sighed and said, “I don’t know why I bother giving you a list, you only seem to pick up a little bit of everything.”
28. I came home from work exhausted and plopped down on the couch. My wife took one look at me and said, “Rough day at the office?” I nodded. “Well, you rest here and I’ll go make dinner,” she said. A little while later she called me into the kitchen and I saw she had set out some leftovers on the counter. When she saw the disappointed look on my face, she laughed and said, “Hey, you weren’t the only one who had a rough day!”
29. My wife and I were at the store when she spotted a designer purse she really wanted. I took a look at the price tag and told her, “I’m happy to get this for you as an anniversary present next month.” She raised her eyebrows skeptically and said, “Oh sure, by next month this will be last season’s style.”
30. My wife asked me to stop at the store on the way home and pick up a few things for dinner. When I got home, I realized I had forgotten half the stuff she wanted. She just shook her head and said, “I swear, if your head wasn’t attached…” I quickly interrupted, “You’d lose that too!”
31. I came downstairs on Saturday morning and found my wife furiously cleaning the house. I asked her, “Did I forget some kind of occasion or anniversary?” She glared at me and said, “Yes, it’s been a whole year since you last helped clean this place.”
32. On my way home from work, my wife texted me asking me to pick up some ingredients to make lasagna at the store. I rushed over to grab the items, but once I started cooking at home, I realized I had forgotten the most important ingredient – the lasagna noodles! When my wife saw the mess I had made, she just shook her head and said, “It’s so like you to just wing it.”
33. My wife and I were getting ready to go out to dinner with another couple. When she came downstairs dressed and ready to go, I wolf-whistled at her. With a sly smile, she turned to me and said sweetly, “Love, if you keep wasting your whistles on me that way, you won’t have any left for the waitress later.”
34. My wife and I were at the mall when she dragged me into a high-end clothing store. Holding up a fancy dress, she asked, “Honey, do you think this would look nice on me?” I nodded and replied, “Sure, though it would probably look even better crumpled up on our bedroom floor tonight.” My wife froze, then hissed back, “I swear, one of these days I’m going to forget I even have a husband!”
35. My wife asked me to go through her wardrobe and get rid of any clothes I thought she shouldn’t wear now that she’s in her 40s. After setting aside a huge pile for donation, I proudly told her, “Mission accomplished!” She took one look at the enormous heap and said, “Um, were you supposed to get rid of MY clothes or yours?”
36. On Saturday morning, my wife placed a romantic breakfast tray across my lap and gave me a long, deep kiss. When she pulled away, she cooed, “Happy birthday, sweetheart!” I laughed and replied, “But my birthday isn’t for another 3 months?” She smirked and responded, “I know, consider this a practice run.”
37. I came home after a late night out with the guys and tiptoed into bed next to my sleeping wife. Just as I got settled, she suddenly sat bolt upright, glared at me and yelled, “5 drinks later and you think you can come home and just sneak into bed next to me?” I stammered, “Wha-at are you talking about?” She pointed at the clock and shouted, “It’s 2 AM and your curfew is midnight!”
38. My wife is always complaining about my unhealthy eating habits. I tell her to stop nagging me but she never lets up. Yesterday she really crossed the line. After catching me sneaking cookies before dinner again, she changed my computer password to “carrotsarehealthy”. Now I’m at my wits end. I just want to scream, “Baby, can’t you just lettuce live??”
39. My wife sent me out to redeem her rewards points at Sephora. As I was checking out all the makeup, one of the salespeople walked over and said, “Your wife is so lucky to have such a thoughtful husband buying her presents!” I just smiled and replied, “Not presents, payback.”
40. My wife begged me to build some shelves in the basement to help organize all her craft supplies. After they were done, she gushed, “Wow, thank you so much! I finally have a place for everything now.” I replied proudly, “Yes, we husbands aim to please!” Without missing a beat, she quipped back, “Well, at least SOME husbands do…”
41. My wife and I were discussing what to cook for dinner. I suggested homemade pizzas. She grimaced and said, “Sorry hun but homemade pizzas are a lot of work to make.” Thinking quickly, I responded, “Good point. Let’s just order Domin-her’s pizza instead.”
42. My wife hates when I sneak food from the fridge right before dinner. Yesterday, she caught me grabbing some grapes and yelled, “Will you stop eating everything in sight before we sit down to eat?” I replied, “In my defense, I wasn’t eating EVERYTHING in sight. I left the broccoli alone.”
43. On the way home from dinner one night, my wife casually said, “By the way, I invited your mother over for lunch this weekend.” I slammed on the breaks, and once I composed myself I asked calmly, “Don’t I usually get a say in these matters?” She chuckled and responded, “Aww honey, it’s cute that you think so.”
44. For our anniversary, I surprised my wife by taking her to a luxury resort. While we were swimming, I playfully said, “Race you to the bar!” She laughed and replied, “Oh honey, you know I always win because I’m more buoyant.” I responded, “Fine, I’ll drink to that!”
45. My wife knows I have a terrible memory and am always misplacing my keys and wallet. Today I came downstairs and found her holding up my keys triumphantly. Smirking, she said, “Looking for these?” I rolled my eyes and said, “No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me where you found them.”
46. On Monday mornings, my wife always asks me what I have planned for the upcoming week. Because I never have much going on, I decided to mess with her this week. When she asked, I pretended to ponder it deeply and said, “Hmm let’s see, on Tuesday I have to finalize my presidential pardon…” She didn’t miss a beat and responded, “Uh huh, and on Wednesday you have jury duty with Wonder Woman, I’m sure.”
47. My wife and I were walking through the park when she complained, “Ugh, I hate seeing all these fit young women running past us showing off their perfect bodies.” I said, “It’s ok honey, just remember – we were fit too once upon a time.” She retorted, “Speak for yourself. I was born this fabulous.”
48. My wife called me at work, crying that our dog had suddenly passed away. I was shocked and devastated. I rushed home to comfort her only to find her grinning wickedly on the couch with our healthy dog. Furrowing my brow, I asked why she would play such a cruel prank? Smirking, my wife replied, “Payback for the spider in my lunchbox last week.”
49. My wife hates when I sneakily buy unhealthy snacks at the grocery store. As the cashier was ringing me up today, she held up the jumbo bag of chips and raised her eyebrows at me. Thinking quick, I said, “Oh those aren’t for me – they’re for my wife! I swear that woman can eat!” The cashier laughed while bagging them and said, “You’re a wise man.” I winked and replied, “Well, a wise man knows when to keep his mouth shut!”
50. My wife and I were getting ready for a night out. As I fastened my coat, I said casually, “You know sweetie, going out isn’t as fun as it used to be. I’d rather just stay home with you.” Smiling, she replied, “Aww really? Unfortunately you already bought the concert tickets, so tough luck!”
51. My wife knows I love antiques and old coins. For my birthday, she gave me a really rare old quarter in perfect condition. I was so thrilled and said, “Wow, this is amazing! Where did you find it?” She got a big smile on her face and responded, “It wasn’t easy, I had to search every jeans pocket, coat pocket, sofa cushion…”
52. On my way home from work, I stopped to buy my wife flowers and champagne to celebrate our anniversary. When I got home, she glanced at the items bewildered and said, “What’s all this for?” I was confused and responded, “Um, did you forget that today is our anniversary?” She laughed and said, “Nope, but clearly YOU did – that’s next week!”
53. My wife hates when I embarrass her in public with dumb jokes. Today at a restaurant, our waitress said she’d be “right back” to take our order. Before I could stop myself, I called out, “But I’m left back, will that still work??” My wife kicked me under the table and hissed, “You’re sleeping on the left back side of the couch tonight if you don’t behave!”
54. My wife asked me to get groceries including fruit, bread, detergent, and butter. An hour after I left, she called asking where I was. I said, “Sorry honey, the store is really crowded today so the checkout line is super long.” She saw right through my lie and responded, “Uh huh. Try again without the word ‘is’ in your sentence.”
55. My wife was heading out for girl’s night and told me to have dinner ready when she got home. Around 10pm, I called her to confirm if she wanted me to still make dinner. She sighed and responded, “Unless you suddenly learned to cook gourmet in the past few hours, just order pizza please.”
