India Puns (10)
- I heard there’s a new yoga studio in Delhi that specializes in poses named after cities. It’s called Namas-train India!
- What do you call an Indian who loves pasta? A curry muncher!
- Why do Indians make the best detectives? They’re always on the chai trail.
- My Indian friend got food poisoning after eating cold samosas. I told him “Naan-stop refrigeration is dangerous!”
- What do you call an Indian dog? A curry-nine!
- I tried cooking Indian food once but it was a naan-starter.
- Why can’t you trust stairs in India? They’re always up to chai things.
- Did you hear about the new Indian pizza place? It’s called Tandoori Nights.
- What do you call an Indian who loves music? A raga muncher!
- Why do Indians hate winter? Because there’s snow naan!
India One-Liners (10)
- I heard there’s a new airline in India that only serves one kind of meal – it’s called Air India Curry.
- My Indian friend says he can walk on water, but I think he’s just Delhi-sional.
- Did you hear about the cow that drank red paint in India? It’s now a sacred cow.
- I heard there’s a new Indian dating app called Naan-der. It helps you find your perfect naan-other half.
- Why do Indians make great philosophers? They’re always searching for the naan-swers.
- Did you hear about the new pepper spray for Indian women? It’s called Tikka Masala.
- I tried to count how many Indians were on my train but I lost count. Too many to Mangal-ore!
- My Indian friend says aliens built the Taj Mahal. What a Dehli-usion!
- Did you hear about the new Indian energy drink? It’s chai-powered!
- I heard there’s a dating app in India for yoga lovers called Downward Dog.
Best India Jokes (45)
1. One day an Indian man walked into a cafe near Delhi airport and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sipped his brew, he couldn’t help overhearing an American tourist at the next table.
“I don’t understand it!” complained the American loudly on his cellphone. “These Indians have no concept of personal space. The guy next to me just brushed my elbow with his, and didn’t even apologize. And the family squatting on the floor over there is practically in my lap!”
The Indian man calmly stirred sugar into his coffee. Leaning across to the American he said, “Sir, may I offer you some advice?”
“Well, sure,” huffed the American.
Next time you go traveling abroad,” the Indian man replied. “I suggest you visit a bigger country.”
2. An Indian man moved to America and bought a house next to an Israeli family. The neighbors quickly became good friends and would exchange home-cooked meals every week.
However, the Indian was puzzled by one thing: whenever he gave his Israeli neighbors an Indian dish like chicken biryani or samosas, they loved it. But when they returned the favor with Jewish staples like matzo ball soup or latkes, the Indian thought they were absolutely disgusting.
Finally, he confronted them. “My dear friends, I must be honest. Every time you share your meals they are barely edible! I cannot fathom why you enjoy my cooking so much yet yours makes me sick.”
The Israelis laughed good-naturedly. “Don’t worry, we feel the same! We think Indian food tastes like garbage. We’ve just been feeding it to our dog all this time!”
3. An arrogant British officer in colonial India was out on a hunting expedition one day when he came across a sadhu meditating in the woods.
“Do you realize you are sitting right in the path of a dangerous tiger?” the Brit asked condescendingly. “What on earth will you do if the beast attacks you?”
The sadhu smiled serenely. “Sir, the tiger is God’s creature just as I am. Should it be His will that I die, who am I to interfere with destiny?”
The Brit laughed mockingly and rode away, leaving the holy man to his meditation. Sure enough, a few hours later the meditating sadhu heard a savage roar and the tiger leapt out of the bushes, heading straight for him.
Just before the tiger could pounce, the sadhu quickly got up and ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction. The startled Brit saw him whizzing by.
“I thought you were going to accept your destiny if that tiger attacked?” the Brit shouted.
“Well sir!” the sadhu yelled over his shoulder. “Just because I don’t interfere with destiny, doesn’t mean I can’t give it a little nudge!”
4. Raju excitedly brought his new American girlfriend home to meet his family in a village outside Mumbai.
While they all sat chatting over tea, Raju’s grandmother kept giving the American guest strange sideways glances.
Finally she leaned over and whispered loudly to Raju in Hindi, “Is your friend a little simple-minded? Her skin looks rather pale and unhealthy. You should give her some turmeric and yogurt to improve her complexion.”
But of course, since his girlfriend didn’t understand a word of Hindi, Raju just smiled and nodded politely.
A few minutes later when Raju stepped out of the room, his grandmother whispered to the American girl again. “Don’t worry dear, I will make sure you get extra food. You’re in need of some weight!”
The American girl smiled back warmly at the old lady, having no clue what she said.
When Raju returned, his grandmother pulled him aside. “Son, I don’t mean to be rude but your friend seems a little deaf in her ears. She keeps smiling and nodding blankly when I talk to her instead of replying!”
5. An enthusiastic American university student was backpacking across India when he found himself lost in a remote village.
The villagers didn’t speak any English except for one older man who offered to guide the backpacker to the nearest town. As they hiked together under the sweltering sun, the American struck up a conversation.
“I’m really curious to know more about your faith,” he said. “I’ve heard Hinduism is the oldest existing religion in the world today. That’s so fascinating! What are some of the core beliefs of your faith?”
The old man looked puzzled. “Faith? What is faith?”
“You know, your religious beliefs! Chants, rituals, customs, rules…”
“I am sorry, I do not know what that word means,” the old man shook his head apologetically.
The American was baffled. “Wait a minute, aren’t you a Hindu?”
“Ah, I do not know this word either! I am simply a farmer. I tend to my crops and family.”
The American’ s eyes widened in astonishment. “Really? Do you seriously not know what a religion is?”
The old Indian farmer shrugged. “Never heard of it. We have no such thing in our village.”
“Oh wow!” The backpacker was absolutely amazed. “So you’ve never prayed, or worshipped any god?”
“No, no” the farmer insisted. “We have no god. In our village we wake up early, work hard in the fields all day. After sunset we gather to play music and dance and feast together as a community. We live in harmony with nature. We have no use for religion.”
“That’s unbelievable!” exclaimed the backpacker. “Nothing at all like the busy modern lives we lead back home, with all our churches and rituals and scriptures. Yours sounds so idyllic!”
The old man nodded politely once more. “Thank you, but you are very kind to call me religious”.
6. An American, British and Indian soldier were comparing their armies over drinks.
“I have to say, the US army is the most modernized force in the world,” bragged the American. “We have nuclear submarines, stealth bombers, you name it. Just last week my unit got upgraded to the latest laser-guided, night-vision headsets. What about your army, Brit?”
“While we may not always have the latest gizmos,” replied the Brit officer. “The brave men and women of the British forces uphold centuries of the finest military traditions. Our soldiers display impeccable valor, dignity and honor.”
The Indian officer listened to this calmly, taking a sip of chai. “That’s quite impressive. But I must say there is no force that can match the Indian army.”
The other two looked at him in surprise. “Why’s that then?” asked the Brit.
“You see, unlike your nations’ armies” replied the Indian “India’s entire army…is imaginary!”
The Brit and American looked confused, so the Indian explained. “Well we have no proper equipment, outdated technology, lack of sufficient troops…so really, India’s army only exists on paper!” He raised his glass for a toast:
“Gentlemen, let’s raise a glass to the world’s largest imaginary army!”
7. An American tourist was on a wildlife safari in India when their jeep broke down in the middle of the jungle.
To the tourist’s delight, a passing elephant gave them a ride to the nearest village. Along the way, she couldn’t help remarking to the mahout:
“My, what an incredibly intelligent animal! Do all Indian elephants understand human language?”
“Only a very few, madam,” replied the mahout, steering his elephant.
The American tourist was fascinated. “I’ve heard Indian elephants are quite revered in your culture – you even have an elephant-headed god, Ganesh! Do you folks consider elephants sacred?”
“Not all of them madam, just the white ones,” said the mahout.
The tourist nodded thoughtfully. After a pause, she asked the final question:
“One last thing. I’m curious – are elephants native to India or did they migrate from Africa like the lions?”
The mahout smiled patiently. “You know madam, I’m just the mahout. You really should ask all these questions to the elephant.”
8. An Australian tourist visiting India for the first time hailed a taxi outside the airport. As they neared the city he noticed dozens of glittering new BMWs, Mercedes and Audis zooming by on the super highway, all driven by the local Indians.
“I’m impressed!” he remarked to the taxi driver, an older Sikh gentleman. “You Indians have really prospered into a high-income nation in the last decade with all these fancy cars!”
“Yes, we are blessed by God,” replied the Sikh modestly.
The Australian continued admiring the sports cars roaring past them, amazed to see such opulence in a third world country.
“Well, good on ya,” he said turning to the Sikh. “When did you buy your first luxury car then?”
The old Sikh smiled humbly. “Oh sir, I do not own any car, luxury or otherwise. I have merely been driving this city taxi for 25 years now.”
The Australian’s eyes boggled in astonishment. “Bloody hell mate, then how on earth can all you Indians afford these posh new vehicles?”
“Easy sir”, the Sikh chuckled. “In India, we simply finance 100% of the car price at 0% interest over 10 years. So everyone can afford these cars without having any actual money!”
9. The coach of the Indian cricket team was giving a pep talk to his squad before the World Cup final against Australia.
“Okay boys, this is it!” he exhorted. “There’s no turning back now. Today is the big day – it’s time for us to show the Aussies what Indians are really made of!”
The players were super charged, thumping their chests and howling.
“Yes! Today we’re going to smash those Aussies!” “We’ll destroy them!” went up the war cries.
The coach, sensing he was losing control of the over-excited players, decided to take it down a notch.
“Now, now, calm down boys,” he said. “Loosen up, relax. Grab a juice box, unwind…you know, chill out.”
At this, the 11 Indian cricketers immediately plopped down into lotus poses, closed their eyes and started meditating.
The coach face-palmed. “No no! Not THAT relaxed!”
10. Desperate for money, an American man decided to kidnap an Indian boy and demand a hefty ransom from his tycoon father. As he dragged the terrified kid home, the boy started crying loudly.
“Shut up!” the kidnapper shouted. “Or I’ll hurt you!” But the boy kept wailing at the top of his lungs all night. The angry kidnapper did everything to intimidate him but nothing worked.
Finally, at his wit’s end, the kidnapper began weeping and sobbing himself. “Please don’t cry!” he begged the boy. “Tell me how I can make you stop!”
“Well…” said the kid, sniffling. “I want my mommy!”
“Okay, okay, I will take you to your mom!” promised the hapless kidnapper.
And I want ice cream!” continued the brat.
“You’ll get ice cream too! Just please stop crying!” begged the sobbing kidnapper.
The boy finally grinned through his tears. “Ladies and gentlemen, that is the art of negotiation according to us Indians!”
11.An American company was looking to hire engineers from Asia to help build their new factory in Texas. The firm organized video interviews with candidates from India, China, South Korea and Japan. The first to be screened was an Indian engineer.
“Before we start, I must inform you that the work week here is 51 hours. Can you work that long?” asked the American interviewer.
“No problem sir,” replied the Indian smoothly. “I can work for up to 65 hours a week.”
The stunned interviewer clarified: “Our salary is $4500 per month. Would that be acceptable?”
“Absolutely fine by me,” smiled the Indian. “For $6500 a month I will work 72 hours a week if needed.”
Now the perplexed interviewer said: “Our leave policy allows 12 vacation days each year. Would that be sufficient?”
“More than enough! For 12 leave days a year, I can work 80 hours a week, no hesitation!” claimed the Indian breezily.
“Okay I’m very confused,” the interviewer scratched his head. “Let’s start again. For $4500 a month, working 51 hours a week, with 12 days annual leave, would you accept this job?”
“Thank you so much sir!” beamed the Indian happily. “When can I start?”
12. A family of Indian tourists got separated while visiting an aviary in the US. The husband wandered off alone and found himself surrounded by dozens of parrots. Amused, he tried mimicking their squawks for fun.
Suddenly, one parrot looked his way and shrieked – “Arrey Motu, yeh kya paglapan chalu kiya hai? Chup ho ja! Log dekh rahe hain!”
Stunned, the Indian stood with his mouth open as the parrot continued scolding him in fluent Hindi:
“Dekho, apni biwi aur bacche dhundh. Yeh sab nautanki band karo! Jao yahan se!”
Seeing the man’s shock, another parrot chuckled and whispered to him in Hindi: “Sir, don’t worry. He thinks he’s Indian, ignore him. He was born here but watched too many Bollywood films as a chick.”
The Indian tourist quickly sneaked away before any zookeepers could hear the Hindi-blabbering parrots!
13. An Australian tourist on vacation in India suffered severe food poisoning after eating some spicy curry and stew. She was admitted to the hospital where unfortunately, the violent vomiting and diarrhea continued for days in her weakened state.
The doctors tried various medications but nothing would stay down long enough to work. The Australian tourist was in distress.
Finally, the head doctor had an idea. He went down to the hospital kitchen and asked the head cook for a fresh hot dosa. Carefully, he cut the crisp pancake open and inserted the pills inside.
When the dosa was served to the sick Australian, she was finally able to swallow the medicine safely tucked inside the soft bread, without throwing up.
In just a few days, the woman recovered completely and approached the creative doctor to thank him:
“Gee, doc, those little Indian burrito things you fed