Whiskey Puns (14)
1. I asked the bartender for something Irish and peaty. He recommended Tullamore Dew me a favor and never ask for that again.
2. The whiskey tasted like it had been aged in an old shoe. I guess you could call it a Brogue-an.
3. I went to the distillery and asked to try their most prestigious whiskey. The bartender said, “That will cost you an arm and a leg.” I said, “I’m not giving you my limbs for a drink!” He replied, “Don’t worry, it’s just a figure of rye.
4. I accidentally knocked over a whole shelf of whiskey bottles at the liquor store. What a waste of good spirit!
5. I entered my homemade whiskey in a competition but didn’t win. I guess the judges didn’t find it very a-peeling.
6. Did you hear about the whiskey that was accidentally bottled at 50% ABV? It had quite a proofreading error!
7. I asked the waiter to bring me the most expensive Scotch they had. He came back with a glass and said, “This one’s on the rocks.”
8. Our whiskey club organized a field trip to visit a distillery. Most people carpooled, but I decided to take the whiskey business.
9. The distiller accidentally spilled whiskey all over the barrel room floor. It was quite the Mash Bill.
10. Did you hear about the Irish whiskey aged at sea? It was a Jameson the waves!
11. I entered a whiskey tasting contest last night. I whiskey I did better.
12. The whiskey was so diluted, it didn’t have enough proof to get me drunk. What a point-less drink!
13. The whiskey was so strong it knocked me out. You could say it made me black out Irish.
14. I asked the bartender for an Irish whiskey, neat. He asked, “What’s the magic word?” I said, “Jameson, please!”
Whiskey One-Liners (14)
15. I rye the day I tried cheap whiskey.
16. Friends don’t let friends drink whiskey alone. That’s why I drink alone.
17. I don’t always drink whiskey, but when I do, I end up drunk texting my ex.
18. I finally found a whiskey I like. I just whiskey I knew what brand it was.
19. My resolution this year is to drink more whiskey so I can actually remember last year.
20. I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a whiskey enthusiast.
21. Whiskey helps me apprecirye the little things in life.
22. Give a man a glass of whiskey and he’ll waste an hour. Give a man a bottle and he’ll waste a day.
23. I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem!
24. Hands trembling, face flushed, whiskey irresistible, water loathsome, daughter forgettable, life meaningless. Yep, it’s hangover time.
25. I’d give up drinking whiskey, but I’m no quitter.
26. I spilled my whiskey. It was a grave mistake.
27. My bar tab is so high, it could be a whiskey label.
28. Whiskey: helping ugly people procreate since 1795.
Best Whiskey Jokes (53)
29. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three whiskeys and drinks them. The bartender asks, “Do you like whiskeys?” The Irishman replied, “Aye, but I don’t like paying for them. Paddy gave me that round.”
The next round, the Irishman orders three whiskeys again. The bartender asks, “Do you know Paddy?” The Irishman replies, “No, but to be sure to give me the same whiskeys Paddy just bought me.”
30. A Texan, a Kentuckian and a Scotsman meet in a bar. They start arguing over who has the most whiskey-loving culture.
The Texan says, “In Texas, we have so much whiskey that it flows from our taps instead of water.”
The Kentuckian says, “That’s nothing. In Kentucky, we have so much whiskey that we use it to power our cars instead of gasoline.”
The Scotsman says, “Ach, ye wee lads don’t know what yer talkin aboot. In Scotland, our babies teeth on whiskey bottles instead o’ pacifiers.”
31. An elderly Irishman is at death’s door. The family calls the priest over to give him his last rites. The priest comes to the bedside and says, “My son, through the power of prayer do you wish to renounce Satan and embrace Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”
The Irishman weakly opens one eye and says, “Hold on now father, at my age I think it might be a wee bit late to be changing my whiskey.”
32. Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came ’round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat …and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
“Grandma,” he asked, “It’s my 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?”
Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, disappointed eyes and said, “Because your father, your grandfather and your great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya fookin idjit.”
33. Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
34. An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
‘Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?’
The girl, crying, replied, Dad… I became a prostitute.’
‘Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.’
‘OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club … (takes a breath) … and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.’
‘What was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.
Girl, crying again, ‘A prostitute, Daddy!.’
‘Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!’
35. An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
36. An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman are sitting in a pub having a pint. The view is fantastic and all three decide to have a competition and see who can throw their empty glass the furthest off the roof balcony.
The Englishman goes first and throws the glass off the roof.
“That’s got to be at least 50 feet” he says proudly.
Not to be outdone the Scotsman has his throw, glass flying off the roof.
“Aye, at least 60, maybe 65 feet” he says.
The Irishman, not wanting to lose to the English, takes his glass back about 6 feet from the edge, gets a run up and launches it as hard as he can. It flies high into the air and disappears over the edge. The other two run up and peer over the edge expecting to see the glass lying smashed on the floor far below.
With a look of confusion the Scotsman turns to the Irishman and says “Are you sure you threw that glass off the roof Jimmy?”
“I’m certain of it Angus. Why’d you ask?” Says Jimmy.
“Because there’s a guy down there shouting up going ‘JIMMY, JIMMY! Are you throwing the glasses again!'”
37. Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O’Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, “O’Brian, come ‘ere. I ‘ave a request for ye.” Shawn walked to his friend’s bedside and kneels.
“Shawny ole boy, we’ve been friends all our lives, and now I’m leaving ‘ere. I ‘ave one last request fir ye to do.”
O’Brian burst into tears, “Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It’s done.”
“Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I’ll be able to enjoy it for all eternity.”
O’Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend’s request, he asked, “Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?”
38. An Irishman is drinking in a pub one night when he sees a little Jewish man enter the bar. He thinks to himself “I’ve never seen a Jew drinking whiskey before.”
Curiosity gets the best of him so he walks up and asks the Jewish man “Excuse me sir, but don’t you people usually drink mint juleps?”
The Jewish man replies “Well, normally we do. But tonight is Purim.”
The Irishman, drunk and confused, responds “Purim? What’s that, some kind of holiday for deer?”
39. Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing”, says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Shamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,
“Miles, from Dublin.”
40. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
41. Brendan O’Connor was enjoying his whiskey at a local bar when the bartender came over. “Brendan, you seem troubled. Is everything okay?”
Brendan sighed. “My friend Seamus hasn’t been to work all week. I asked him what was wrong, and he said he’s too drunk to go in. I’m worried about him.”
The bartender nodded sympathetically. “Ah, that’s hard. But sometimes we all need help. Maybe talk to Seamus again or contact his family?”
“You’re right,” said Brendan. He finished his whiskey and stood up. “Well, time to head to the pub. Thanks for listening!”
42. Paddy was struggling with a crossword puzzle. “What’s a four-letter word for ‘whiskey’ that ends in ‘E’?” he asked his friend Sean.
Sean thought for a moment. “Hmm, the Irish spelling is ‘whiskey’ but the American spelling is ‘whisky’ without the ‘E’. I’m not sure there is a four-letter answer.”
Paddy threw down his pencil in frustration. “Ach, these feckin’ crosswords!” He drained his glass and waved to the bartender for another.
43. Murphy and Riley were chatting at the pub after work.
“Did you hear about that explosion down at the old Tullamore distillery?” asks Murphy. “Whole place was flattened! Terrible business.”
Riley shakes his head sadly. “Aye, tragic that is. Do they know what caused it?”
“Apparently,” says Murphy, “some fool had a lit cigar next to a barrel of aging whiskey. The whole place just went up!”
Riley sighs. “What a waste of good Irish whiskey. That fire must have burned for days from all that high proof alcohol!”
The men raise their glasses in a solemn toast to honor the fallen whiskey.
44. Two Irishmen named Liam and Conor went camping in the woods. As they sat around the campfire, drinking whiskey, Liam turned to Conor and said “Ya know, we’re completely lost. We’ll never find our way back!”
Conor laughed and said “No worries! I brought a compass.” He reached into his backpack and pulled out a odd looking device.
Liam stared at it confused. “Are ya daft?! That’s not a compass, that’s a whisky still!”
Conor grinned and replied, “Ah sure, but it’ll get us just as lost!”
They roared with laughter and drank long into the night.
45. Three men are at a bar – an Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies land in each of their pints.
The Englishman politely pushes his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman bellows at the barmaid to get him another one.
The Irishman picks the fly out, holds it over the beer and yells “SPIT IT OUT!”
46. Paddy was walking home from the pub when he saw a man doubled over by the side of the road, groaning in pain.
“Are you alright there?” Paddy asked.
The man gasped, “I’ve been drinking illegal whiskey all night. I’m worried it was tainted! My stomach is killing me.”
Paddy shook his head in sympathy. “Sounds like you got yourself some bad moonshine there. You should stick to drinking in licensed pubs from now on!”
The man winced. “Lesson learned. Can you help me get home?”
Paddy supported the ailing man as they slowly staggered down the road.
47. Michael was drowning his sorrows at the pub after losing his job. He ordered whiskey after whiskey, becoming increasingly drunk. Worried, the bartender cut him off.
“Come on now Michael, you’ve had enough,” the bartender said kindly.
“One more please!” Michael begged. “Just give me one for the road.”
The bartender refused. Michael reluctantly paid his tab and staggered towards the exit. Suddenly he whirled around, hurried back to the bar and slapped some money down.
“Michael! I already told you, no more whiskey tonight!” the bartender scolded.
“No no, this money isn’t for me,” Michael slurred, “It’s for the man I’m about to run over in the parking lot!”
48. An Irishman walks into a bar, orders three glasses of whiskey and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
