United Kingdom Puns
1. I heard there’s a new restaurant in London that serves European food. The reviews say it’s pretty Grate Britain.
2. What do you call tea that’s been spilled all over the floor? A British mess.
3. Why don’t ants get lost in England? They use the Royal Milestones.
4. Why did the Englishman wear two pairs of pants? He wanted to keep his United Kingdom together!
5. What do you call a documentary about the Royal Family? Keeping up with the Windsor Kardashians.
6. How do the British shower? They bidet goodbye to dirt!
7. What did the Englishman say to the armless Frenchman? Gladiolus to meet you!
8. Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they’re always a little short.
9. How does the Queen organize her closet? By crown jewels.
10. Why did the Irishman get kicked out of the zoo? He kept Dublin up the animals!
11. How did Britain colonize so many countries? They kept roamin’ the world.
12. Why are British comedians the funniest? They have the best dry humor.
United Kingdom One-Liners
13. The food in England is so bland, even the monarchy has no heir.
14. I tried to start a conga line in London, but the British were too reserved to join.
15. British food is like their weather: gloomy, gray, and lacks sunshine.
16. The British are so polite that even their streets say “Queue here.”
17. In England, even the electricity is on a different current.
18. British people don’t go gray, their hair just slowly turns to the color of their food.
19. The British are so serious that even their plants have stiff upper lips.
20. England has food so bland that even the spice girls couldn’t save it.
21. British problems: My tea is too hot, but I’m too polite to blow on it.
22. In Britain, they drive on the left side of the road because nothing is ever right over there.
Best United Kingdom Jokes
23. An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub. The bartender turns to them and says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
24. What do you call a creepy English basement? A cellar door.
25. Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on their ships? So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
26. How do you sink a British submarine? Knock on the door and they’ll open the hatch to apologize.
27. What do Englishmen and a bottle of beer have in common? They’re both empty from the neck up.
28. An Englishman walks into a library and says, “Fish and chips please!” The librarian says, “This is a library.” The Englishman whispers, “Sorry, fish and chips please.”
29. Why are the British Royal Guards so short? So they can smell the flowers and reach the low shelves.
30. How do you know if there’s an Englishman in the closet? The door is ajar.
31. Why did the Englishman bring scissors to bed? So he could cut his dreams short.
32. Why are English rainclouds the most intelligent? Because they have the highest IQ.
33. An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are in the pub when they find a magic slide. The Irishman goes down it shouting “Potatoes!” and lands in a pile of potatoes when he gets to the bottom. The Scotsman goes down shouting “Haggis!” and lands in a pile of haggis. The Englishman goes down shouting “Breakfast!” and lands in a pile of bacon, eggs and sausages. Next morning, the Irishman goes back to the slide shouting “Potatoes!” only to land in a pile of potatoes again. The Scotsman goes down shouting “Haggis!” and lands in a pile of haggis again. The Englishman goes down shouting “Lunch!”, but nothing happens. Confused, he tries again shouting “Dinner!” but still nothing happens. The barman leans over and whispers, “I don’t think it’s working for you mate, try shouting something original”. The Englishman shouts “Originality!” and lands in a pile of Frenchmen, Germans and Italians.
34. Why did the Englishman stop drinking Guinness? Because it started to go right through him.
35. Why are elections in the UK always so wet? Because it always rains on the Prime Minister’s parade.
36. Why was King Arthur the worst at basketball? Because he had no court vision.
37. What did King Arthur’s knights say when he farted at the round table? It was a noble gas!
38. Why does the Loch Ness Monster avoid England? She can’t stand being Nessie in the city.
39. Why was St. George so good at Bingo? Because he always slew the dragon.
40. Why do the English eat cold beef with horseradish sauce? Because that’s how they lost their empire – they were waiting for the beef to warm up and went horse-radish!
41. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef but no one can pee soup.
42. Two Englishmen are hiking in Scotland. After a while one turns to the other and says “Let’s head back, I think they’ve stopped searching for us now.”
43. An Englishman walks into a library and asks the librarian “do you have any books on paranoia?” She says “they’re right behind you!” The Englishman looks round and says “very funny, I’ll ask again – do you have any books on paranoia?”
44. Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
45. Why do Scotsmen wear underwear with their kilts? To keep their ankles warm.
46. Did you hear about the Irish boomerang? It doesn’t come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.
47. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play? They’re trying to get away from the noise too.
48. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Zero.
49. Why don’t ants get sick in Ireland? Because they have wee little bodies.
50. How do you confuse an Irishman? Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
51. What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and Irish wake? One less drunk person.
52. How do you sink an Irish submarine? Swim down and knock on the hatch.
53. Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? He couldn’t afford plane tickets.
54. How do you know if an Irishman sends you a birthday card? It says “O to the B to the happy birthday to you.”
55. Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? Because they’re always a little short.
56. How did the leprechaun feel when he turned pro? G’luck to me!
57. Why do leprechauns laugh when they run? The grass tickles their feet.
58. How can you tell if a leprechaun is having a good time? He’s Dublin over with laughter!
59. How do you know when you meet a magic leprechaun? They’re always so charming!
60. What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.
61. Why don’t sharks like to swim off the coast of Ireland? Too many Dublins!
62. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his drinking? Sir.
63. Why do Germans do so well in international competitions? Because their anthem is Deutschland Uber Alles.
64. Why did the English couple get divorced? They had irreconcilable tea differences.
65. How do the British change a lightbulb? Wait for it to go out, then reminisce about how much brighter and longer-lasting the old one was.
66. Where does bad pasta go? The spaghetto.
67. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
68. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
69. Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.
70. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
71. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
72. What do you call a bee who can’t make up its mind? A maybe.
73. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels!
74. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? Nothing, it just waved.
75. How do trees access the internet? They just log on.
76. Why was the math book sad? It had too many problems.
77. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
78. What did the sock say to the foot? Don’t look so down, heel turn up soon!
79. Why do firefighters wear red suspenders? To hold their pants up!
80. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
81. Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
82. What do you call a flower that runs on electricity? A power plant!
83. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
84. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
85. Why do ants never get sick? Because they have little anty bodies.
86. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
87. How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
88. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
89. Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
90. How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
91. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!
92. Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? They’re two tired!
93. How do trees get on the internet? They just log on.
94. Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field.
95. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
