Texas Puns
- What do you call a really tiny town in Texas? A micro-city!
- Why did the cowboy get a smartphone? He wanted to Texas friends.
- Why are phones bigger in Texas? Because everything’s bigger in Texas!
- How do you find someone from Texas in a crowded room? Just yell “y’all” and see who turns around.
- Why don’t eggs mix well in Texas? They’re too yolked.
- Why couldn’t the Texas teacher stay awake during class? Because her students were giving an obligatory y’all call.
- Why are Texans so good at math? They have a natural log rhythm.
- What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from the Lone Star State? A small medium at large.
- Why do cowboys ride horses in Texas? Because they’re afraid of rattlesnakes.
- Why do true Texans wear boots with spurs? So they can spur themselves on.
Texas One-Liners
- I went to the eye doctor in Texas, and they told me I had a bad cornea. I said, “I got here as fast as I could!”
- I heard there’s a new restaurant called Karma in Texas. There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.
- Did you know Texas has the highest number of wrongful convictions? I guess their justice is not only blind but deaf and dumb too.
- They say everything’s bigger in Texas. Especially the egos.
- Don’t ask someone from Texas for directions unless you’ve got all day.
- I went to my friend’s gender reveal party in Texas, and they just popped a balloon filled with flies – sure enough, it’s a boy!
- Roses are red, tacos are enjoyable. Don’t mess with Texas, or you’ll face Chris Kattan as Mango.
- They say everything’s bigger in Texas, except for the IQs.
- I failed my Texas geography test today. Apparently, Houston is not the capital of Dallas.
- I spent a year in Texas, and I still have no idea what Chili’s at 45th and Lamar is.
Best Texas Jokes
- Two Texans were out hunting deer. The first hunter fired at a passing deer and missed. His buddy took a long puff on his cigar, slowly exhaled and said “Wow, that was the worst shot I’ve ever seen.”
- A Texan is walking along a beach in California when he comes across a bottle buried in the sand. He picks it up and removes the cork. Instantly, a flurry of activity erupts and a genie emerges from the bottle. The genie says “Thank you for freeing me from my 5,000-year confinement. In return I shall grant you 3 wishes.”
- A Texan farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Clyde. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine.'” asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the…” “I didn’t ask for details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!'” Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Texas Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and told the lawyer so. Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the Highway Patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'”
- A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup truck on I-35. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?” The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
- Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse bar and order a beer. They take sips from their bottles, put the bottles down on the bar, and suddenly they turn and draw their guns on each other. The bar goes deathly silent. One cowboy says, “I have to ask, Bill, were you the one who shot my pa?” The other says, “Wait, Jim! Was it your pa who killed my pa?” They continue staring at each other down the barrels of their gun. Suddenly, a drunken man stumbles out of the bathroom and asks the bartender, “What movie is this? Who are these guys?” The bartender whispers, “I don’t know who these guys are, but this is gonna be the damn craziest sequel to Brokeback Mountain that I’ve ever seen.”
- Deep in the heart of Texas, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true they’re suing Hardy for $10,000 for calling Wanda a pig?” The attorney said, “Yes it’s true.” Bubba replied angrily, “Well, I’m gonna do the same thing to them!” The attorney said, “That’s not advisable, Hardy called Wanda a pig because she is overweight.” Bubba said, “That’s what I’m talkin’ about too!”
- Judge: “ORDER! Order in the court!”
Defendant (Texan Accent): “I’ll have two eggs over easy with wheat toast and grits.” - An arrogant Texan mega millionaire threw a party and invited the most elite people in the world. As the guests arrived and gathered around the pool someone noticed there was a big brown log floating right in the middle of the pool. As the night went on they noticed the log was still there so eventually one of the guests asked the Texan what it was doing there. The Texan replied, “Oh that, it’s no big deal. I just have my solid gold poop shipped in from overseas once a week for my pool. No big thing.” The party continued on and as the night wore on nearly all the guests had encountered the mysterious big brown log floating in the pool at one point or another. One lady went up to the Texan and asked, “I’m sorry to keep asking about this but I’m just so curious. Why do you have that big brown log floating in the pool?” The Texan looked at her and laughed before saying, “Ma’am, that’s not a log.”
- An arrogant, wealthy Texan died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter started reviewing his notes and after a few moments he said, “I’m really sorry, but I can’t let you in. While you did some good things on earth, on balance you were mainly motivated by greed and arrogance. I’m afraid you’ll have to go to Hell.” The Texan looked surprised, then shrugged, lit up a cigar and said, “Fine by me. Where’s the entrance?” Saint Peter pointed him to a passage to the side. When the Texan arrived in Hell, he was startled. There were acres and acres of beautiful green fields, mountains covered with trees, streams filled with trout, sunny meadows filled with flowers, and rolling hills covered with wildlife. The Texan turned to the Devil and said, “Hey there, Mr. Devil. I have to say, I’m mighty impressed. This is even nicer than Texas. I thought Hell would be all fire and brimstone.” The Devil smiled at him and replied, “Oh no, that’s the common misconception. The truth is, we’ve been receiving so many Texans lately that we’ve had to ramp up new housing and amenities. In fact, we just opened a new ski resort with an 18-hole golf course!” The Texan’s eyes lit up. “Well, hot diggity! When can I move in??” The Devil replied, “You can’t. The apartments are all full.” The Texan frowned and said, “But I’m rich as Midas. Surely you can squeeze me in somewhere?” The Devil shook his head. “Sorry, but there’s a long waiting list.” The Texan continued frowning. Then his eyes lit up and he said, “Tell you what, let’s arm wrestle for it. If I win, I get a penthouse suite!” The Devil smiled, “Very well then.” The two sat at a table and grasped hands. When the Devil said “Go!” the Texan slammed the Devil’s arm down in half a second. The Devil grimaced in pain and exclaimed, “You win! That penthouse suite on the lakeside is yours!” The Texan lit up a cigar, leaned back and propped up his feet. “Much obliged, partner. Knew you’d see reason.”
The first hunter fired again and cut down a deer running along a ridge about a hundred yards away. “You got lucky on that one.” his friend commented.
A few minutes later, one of the men fired at a high flying duck and doubled it. Turning to his pal, he asked, “Well how did YOU like that shot?”
“That was okay,” said his friend, “but still not as good as the time you shot that hotel clerk in Fort Worth when we were on that hunting trip.”
The Texan thinks for a moment then says, “For my first wish, I want 1,000 of the most beautiful women in the world to make passionate love with me.” Suddenly, 1,000 of the most ravishing women appear and proceed to get it on with the Texan. After about 2 hours the Texan says, “Well, that was amazing but I’m kind of tired now. For my next wish, I want 1,000 of the world’s finest beers.” Immediately, 1,000 frosty mugs of beer appear beside the ravished Texan and he proceeds to down the beers. About 30 minutes later, the Texan says, “Well that was great, but I think I’m done now. For my last wish, I’d really like to get to know someone from California.”
