Priest Puns (15)
1. What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A father-in-law!
2. Why don’t angry priests work at the post office? They avoid going postal.
3. Why was the priest unable to preach at the cathedral? He had lost his altar ego.
4. Why did the priest get hired as a football coach? Because he had a playbook for Mass.
5. What did the priest say to the IRS? Let us pray you don’t audit me!
6. Why do priests make excellent counselors? They’re great at hearing confessions.
7. What do you call a priest who also works as a lawyer? A father of the court.
8. Why did the priest take a job as a chef? He wanted to work in service of the Lord.
9. Why do priests make great teachers? They have a lot of patience and give great massages.
10. What do you call an angry priest? A cross pastor.
11. Why did the priest get in trouble with the electric company? He used too much power converting people.
12. Why did the priest become a DJ? He wanted to bring the best gospel mix to Mass.
13. What do you call a priest who opens a pizza shop? A pizza pastor.
14. Why do priests make great golfers? They have the best altar shots.
15. Why was the priest hired by the zoo? He had experience working with the big cats of Catholicism.
Priest One-Liners (15)
16. I asked my priest if I could smoke while I prayed and he said, “altar your methods a bit.”
17. I told my priest he should bless the rains down in Africa and he said, “I don’t want to be a father out there.”
18. I told my priest I was thinking of getting a tattoo and he said, “Thou shalt not print on thy holy skin.”
19. I asked my priest if he wanted to get together and vape but he said he would rather remain holy.
20. I asked my priest if I should try speed dating and he said, “Only if you have a prayerful mate in mind.”
21. I asked my priest if I could sell candles shaped like him and he said, “Light my fire and you’ll face eternal damnation.”
22. I confessed to my priest that I lied on my taxes and he said, “Thou shalt not fib even to the IRS.”
23. I asked my priest if I should get laser eye surgery and he said, “You won’t need it to see the light of God.”
24. I asked my priest if I should get a spray tan before going on vacation and he just said, “Thou shalt not be vain.”
25. I told my priest I was nervous about my first confession and he said, “Fear not child, keep calm and priest on.”
26. I asked my priest for advice on buying a house and he said, “Home is where you make it, as long as you pay tithes.”
27. I confessed to my priest that I cheated on a test and he said, “Cheating is forbidden, but you can always pray for forgiveness.”
28. I asked my priest if angels fly because they take themselves lightly and he said, “No levity intended.”
29. I told my priest I was thinking of becoming a pastor and he said, “The path to priesthood is righteous but not easy.”
30. I asked my priest if I should get a dog and he said, “Thou shalt care for all of God’s creatures.”
Best Priest Jokes (55)
31. A priest walked into a bar and said “give me a beer.” The bartender responded “sorry Father, but this is a bar for jaguars only.” The priest left without causing a scene, not wanting to be defrocked.
32. A priest, minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says “I must be in the wrong joke.”
33. What do you call a sleepwalking priest? A Roamin’ Catholic!
34. How does a priest become a lawyer? He passes the Bar Mitzvah.
35. The priest approached a politician after his speech and said “Do you know what you’re problem is? You’re too materialistic – too caught up in worldly goods.” The politician looked at the priest’s worn out shoes and said “And do you know what your problem is? You’re not materialistic enough.”
36. A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The rabbit says “I think I’m a type-o.”
37. A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar and the rabbit says, “I might be a typo.”
38. Why was the hip priest asked to stop ministering? He had too much mass appeal.
39. How did the priest get around after losing his license? On his Papal mobility scooter.
40. Why did the priest giggle during his first confession? It was his first sin in the booth.
41. Why couldn’t the priest buy longer robes? He was on a habit-forming budget.
42. Did you hear about the priest who traveled to San Francisco? He wanted to walk across the Golden Gate Bridge before crossing himself.
43. Why did the parishioners buy their priest a ladder? So he could get high on pottery.
44. How does a priest get attention? He uses mass communication.
45. Why did the priest install lifts in his church? To raise people’s spirits.
46. Why did the priest take up gardening? To grow closer to God.
47. Why did the priest become a podiatrist? To get a foot in the medical door.
48. Why was the Irish priest worried about gaining weight? He already had a bit of a Belfast.
49. How did the priest prepare for Easter? He blessed the eggs, dyed his robes, and practiced his hopily-hopily speech.
50. What do you call a priest who makes ice cream? A sundae school teacher.
51. Why do priests make great party guests? They know how to raise the roof.
52. Why did the priest take his glasses to be fixed? He needed more hindsight.
53. Why was the priest excused from jury duty? He had heard too many confessions to judge others.
54. Why do priests love playing racquetball? It helps them get in touch with their inner exorcist.
55. Why do priests make great landlords? They charge everyone the same, it’s only pew rent!
56. What do you call a priest who betrays his religion’s values? A phony friar!
57. Why did the priest install a disco ball in the church? He wanted to throw a mass rave.
58. Why was the Irish priest sent to jail? For wearing his green robe on St. Patrick’s day.
59. What do you call a young priest? A pizza popper.
60. How does a priest access the dark web? Through sinful links.
61. Why are priests great dancers? They know how to get down with the gospel.
62. Why did the priest get in trouble for swearing? Cussing is a cardinal sin.
63. Where do priests go for fun? Nun of your business!
64. How do priests stay connected? Through prayer to WiFi.
65. Why did the hip priest need surgery? Too much mass had built up on his joints.
66. Why was the priest hired by the golf club? He had the best sermon on the mount.
67. How does a priest join the mafia? He makes them an offer they can’t confessional.
68. Why do priests make great doctors? They know how to cure sinfully high blood pressure.
69. Why did the priest install a lift in the confessional? To raise people’s spirits.
70. Why was the priest able to afford designer robes? The church had deep mass coffers.
71. Why do priests hate doing laundry? Too much holy water turns vestments tie-dyed.
72. Why did the priest take up gardening? To grow closer to his beets.
73. Why did the priest become a podiatrist? He wanted to get his foot in the medical door.
74. Why are priests terrible drivers? They’re always cardinal sinning.
75. Why do priests make great party guests? They know how to raise the roof.
76. What do you call a priest who starts rapping? A psalmist.
77. Why was the priest sent to jail? For wearing his green robe on St. Patrick’s day.
78. How does a priest join the mafia? He makes them an offer they can’t confessional.
79. What do you call an angry priest? A cross pastor.
80. How did the hip priest get around after losing his license? On his papal mobility scooter.
81. Why couldn’t the priest buy longer robes? He was on a habit-forming budget.
82. Why do priests love playing racquetball? It helps them get in touch with their inner exorcist.
83. How did the priest prepare for Easter? He blessed the eggs, dyed his robes, and practiced his hopily-hopily speech.
84. Why was the priest hired by the zoo? He had experience working with the big cats of Catholicism.
85. Why did the priest take up boxing? To fight the power of Satan!
