Onion Puns
1. I was going to tell an onion joke, but it would just make you cry.
2. What do you call an onion that makes you cry with laughter? A funyon!
3. Why don’t onions ever get invited to parties? They bring tears to your eyes.
4. Why did the onion win first prize at the vegetable show? It was outstanding in its field.
5. How do onions write their letters? With a peel and stick pad.
6. What do you get when you cross an onion with a chickpea? Falafel your breath.
7. Why did the onion get arrested at the vegetable protest? It was causing civil disobedience.
8. Why are onions terrible dancers? They have two left feet.
9. What do you call an onion that makes you cry and laugh? A split onion.
10. Why did the onion turn down the invitation to the cookout? It didn’t want to get grilled.
11. Why can’t you trust onions? They tend to spread rumors and gossip.
12. What do you call a social onion? A fun-guy!
Onion One-Liners
13. I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
14. Onions have layers. Just like ogres.
15. I wanted to make French onion soup but I didn’t have the thyme.
16. Be positive. I’m sure you’ll turnip on the right path eventually.
17. How does an onion win a lawsuit? On a-peel!
18. Want to hear a joke about onions? I promise it won’t make you cry.
19. What’s the only vegetable that makes you cry? An on-yun.
20. I tried cutting onions today but I just couldn’t see straight.
21. I can’t believe I’m in another love triangle. First there was Aaron, then there was Ben, and now there’s SHALLOT!
22. My friend thinks he’s so punny with his onion jokes. But I think they stink!
Best Onion Jokes
23. One day a farmer was harvesting his crop of onions when he noticed one particular onion start to move. He dug it up and saw it had sprouted arms and legs and eyes and a mouth! “Please don’t eat me!” the onion cried. “Wow, an onion that can talk!” said the farmer. “How did this happen?” “Well,” said the onion, “I come from a long line of talking vegetables. My great grandfather was a talking tomato!” “A talking tomato?” said the farmer. “That’s amazing! What did he say?” “Ketchup,” said the onion.
24. An onion, a shallot, and a leek decide to go on a camping trip together. They pack up the car and head out into the wilderness. After driving for a few hours they find the perfect camping spot and unpack. The onion starts gathering firewood while the shallot and leek set up the tents and get the camp stove going. Once everything is set up, they sit around the campfire and begin reminiscing about memories from when they were just sprouts. The next day they go for a hike along a stream and see all kinds of wildlife and beautiful scenery. That night while sitting around the campfire roasting vegetables, the leek pulls out a guitar and they all sing campfire songs late into the night. The next morning they pack up and head home, already making plans for their next outdoor adventure together.
25. Two onions fall in love and decide to get married. The wedding was a lavish affair with all the fixings – catered food, a tiered onion cake, and beautifully decorated flower arrangements. After the ceremony, the happy couple make their way to the limo for the reception. As they get in, the new husband leans over and gently kisses his onion bride. Suddenly, he pulls back in shock as big wet tears stream down his new wife’s face. “What’s wrong?!” he asks, panicked that she’s crying already. “Oh nothing my dear,” she says with a smile. “I’m just so happy!”
26. An onion and a potato are walking down the street. The onion starts crying hysterically. “What’s wrong?” asks the potato. “Nothing,” sobs the onion. “I’m just a little salty, that’s all.”
27. Why did the onion get in trouble at school? He was caught passing gas in class!
28. One day, an onion, a carrot and a blob of gelatin are all sitting around chatting. The onion says, “You know, sometimes I feel like people avoid me because I make them cry!” The carrot nods and says, “I feel the same way. People think I’m boring and bland.” The gelatin wobbles over and gives them both a jiggly hug. “Don’t worry guys, I’m sure we all bring something special to the table!”
29. An onion rang the doorbell. When the homeowner answered, the onion said “Hello sir! I’m conducting a survey about the effects of crying and I was wondering if you could assist me?” The man agreed and let the onion inside. For the next hour, the onion asked the man various questions about crying – when he last cried, what made him cry, did crying help him feel better, etc. At the end, the onion said “Thank you so much for your time. Here’s one last question – are you crying right now?” The man dabbed his wet eyes and chuckled. “Wow, I guess your survey really worked!”
30. What do you get when you cross a dog and an onion? A pet that makes you cry!
31. How do you stop an onion from crying? Take away its knife!
Onion Puns
32. What do you call an onion that makes you giggle? A funnyun!
33. Why don’t onions make good baseball players? They always drop the ball!
34. How did the onion know there was going to be a food shortage? He had inside info.
35. Why don’t eggs tell secrets to onions? They don’t want to crack under pressure.
36. What’s the best thing to put on a burnt onion ring? Ointment!
37. Why don’t onions ever win staring contests? They always get watery eyes.
38. Did you hear about the restaurant that only serves onion rings? People say it’s batter than the rest.
39. Why was the onion a good detective? He always followed his gut instinct.
40. How do onions write their grocery lists? On scallion pads!
41. What do you get when you cross an onion and a UFO? Something unidentified and it makes you cry!
Onion One-Liners
42. I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
43. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
44. England doesn’t have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
45. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
46. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
47. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
48. When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
49. Broken pencils are pointless.
50. Old skiers never die, they just go down hill.
Best Onion Jokes
51. One day a farmer noticed that one of his onions has sprouted arms, legs, and a face! “A talking onion, amazing!” said the farmer. The onion looked sad. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer. “Well,” said the onion, “Everyone always cries when they cut me up. I must taste terrible.” The farmer chuckled and patted the onion’s shoulder. “Oh no, that’s just because you’re so emotionally moving!”
52. What did the onion say when he lost the vegetable race? “Aw shucks, I’m all choked up!”
53. Why was everyone afraid of the radioactive onion? It had nuclear fission!
54. How do you fix an onion’s flat tire? With a shallot patch!
55. Why did the onions leave the salad bar? Because it had dressing!
56. I asked my friend how his date with the onion went. He said she was sweet at first but in the end she was too emotional and it brought him to tears.
57. Why did the onion turn down the dance invitation? He didn’t want to salsa.
58. What do you call an onion that makes you laugh and cry at the same time? An emoticon!
59. Why can’t you trust onions? They tend to spread rumors and gossip.
60. What vegetable can see into your soul? The all-knowing onion of course!
61. How do onions try to cheer each other up when they’re sad? They give each other a great big bear hug! (Get it, bearcub onions?)
62. Why did the onions get kicked out of the cooking competition? They kept critiquing all the dishes and it was making the chefs cry!
63. What’s an onion’s favorite Disney movie? Shallot the Explorer!
64. Why do onions make great actors? Because they know how to get into character and bring out people’s emotions!
65. How does an onion patch up a ripped jacket? With a shallot!