Lawyer Puns
1. I was going to tell a joke about lawyers, but I decided to bill it for later.
2. My friend got arrested for stealing a calendar. He got 12 months.
3. Did you hear about the lawyer who was arrested for assault? He beat the case.
4. Why don’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
5. What do you call a smiling lawyer? Guilty.
6. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
7. I was thinking of hiring a mime as my lawyer. That way he can make my case without saying a word.
8. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.
9. What do you call a lawyer with Alzheimer’s? Retired.
10. Why do lawyers wear neckties? To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
11. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
12. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
Lawyer One-Liners
13. My lawyer tells me I have a strong case, which is good since I’m a bodybuilder.
14. I asked my lawyer if I should spill water on the floor and sue the store, he said don’t make this case slippery.
15. My lawyer charged me $400 an hour, it would’ve been cheaper to tell the truth!
16. I told my lawyer I think someone bugged my phone, he told me to make sure I have a strong case first.
17. Don’t ask a lawyer to walk your dog, he’ll take the leash and create a liability agreement.
18. Lawyers prove that you can make a living out of sheer imagination.
19. A lawyer’s closing argument is always more exciting than their opening statement.
20. I asked my lawyer if jail time can be avoided for tax evasion, he said it depends on if I can dodge the charges.
21. Lawyers give you legal advice but charge illegal fees.
22. The problem with lawyer jokes is that the lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
Best Lawyer Jokes
23. A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?” The lawyer replied, “Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” The man said, “Nope, just my word.” The lawyer said, “Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $500 he owes you. Give it to him by hand and tell him if he doesn’t pay up, you’ll take him to court.” Two months later the man and the lawyer met up again. The lawyer asked, “Well, did he pay you the $500?” The man replied, “Actually, yes, he did. He had it ready in cash when I gave him the letter. Here’s the $500.” The lawyer responded, “Great! Now, do you have that letter you wrote?” The man replied, “Oh yeah, I have it right here.” The lawyer said, “Good, great! Give me the $500 and I’ll give you the letter.”
24. A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. “Only a shilling?” said the Justice, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here’s a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them.”
25. A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates. “$50 for three questions”, replied the lawyer. “Isn’t that awfully steep?” asked the man. “Yes,” the lawyer replied, “and what was your third question?”
26. A man went to a lawyer and said, “Sir, my neighbor owes me $500 and he wont pay up. What should I do?” The lawyer said, “Do you have any proof that he owes you the money?” The man replied, “Nope, I just want you to write him a letter to tell him that he should pay me back.” So the lawyer wrote the letter and charged the man $50. Two weeks later, the man came back looking disappointed. The lawyer asked, “Well, did he pay you back?” The man said, “No, he actually paid me $1,000 instead!” The lawyer was surprised and said, “Well that’s great, isn’t it? What seems to be the problem?” The man replied, “Can you please write him another letter asking for the other $500 he owes me?”
27. An airline passenger tapped the shoulder of a lawyer sitting next to him on the plane. “Sorry to bother you,” he said, “but I was wondering if Boeing and Airbus were to merge, would they call it ‘Boeing Airbus’ or ‘Airbus Boeing’?” The lawyer thought for a moment and then replied, “Neither, it would be called ‘Boeing Aerobus'”. Surprised, the passenger asked, “Why are you so sure about that?” “Well,” said the lawyer, “I’m an attorney, and mergers usually follow the alphabet of the first company’s name.” Unconvinced, the passenger asked, “What makes you think you know so much about aviation mergers?” “To be honest,” replied the lawyer, “I have no idea about aviation mergers. But if I gave you any other answer, we wouldn’t have had a 15-minute conversation about it.”
28. A man woke up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looked up the yellow pages and sure enough, there was an ad for “Gorilla Removers”. He called the number listed and the gorilla remover said he’d be right over. The gorilla remover arrived, but got out of his van and dragged over his ladder, baseball bat, shotgun, rope, handcuffs and a vicious snarl ing dog. “What are you going to do?” asked the homeowner. “I’m going to put up my ladder against the roof, then use the baseball bat to knock the gorilla off the roof. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab his testicles and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to put the handcuffs on him and stuff him in the back of the van.” asked the worried homeowner, “What do you do with the shotgun?” The gorilla remover replied, “Ideally…it scares the crap out of your neighbors watching from their windows and video taping the whole process. This way they don’t turn me into the cops who forbid me from practicing law without a license!”
29. A defendant isn’t happy with how his lawyer handled his case, so he decides to appeal. He is told that he can’t just appeal for no reason, but he can if he has fresh evidence that his lawyer withheld from the court. The man thinks long and hard before realizing he might have something. He immediately heads to the law office to confront his lawyer. “Hey, you lost my case, but I’ve got new evidence to get it appealed!”, he yelled. The lawyer responds “No can do my friend, what’s done is done, we can’t appeal.” The defendant smirks and pulls out a voice recorder, showing it to his former lawyer. The lawyer’s face goes pale as he stutters “w-w-where did you get that?” The defendant smiles and hits play on the recorder “I’m so sorry my client, but I’m actually unlicensed to practice law and my degree is completely fake.” The lawyer buries his face in his hands and says “Please don’t use that against me, you have no idea how much trouble I could get in!” The defendant clicks stop on the recorder and says “I want double back my $50k in legal fees or I’m taking this to the state bar!” The lawyer begs “No please! I’ll pay whatever you want!” The defendant smiles and says “Always get everything recorded.”
30. A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party when their conversation was interrupted by a woman. She asked the doctor, “What’s the secret to a long and loving marriage?” The doctor thought for a moment and replied, “Make sure to take time to actually listen to your wife and make her feel loved every single day.” The woman then turned to the lawyer and asked, “What do you think is the secret to a long and loving marriage?” The lawyer laughed and said, “My billing rate is $300 an hour. If you’d like to setup a consultation to discuss this matter further, my office can schedule you an appointment next week.”
31. A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy said, “My dad is a doctor.” Sarah said, “My mom is an architect.” Little Johnny said, “My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse.” The teacher’s jaw dropped and she hurriedly changed the subject. Later, she called Little Johnny’s father and said, “I don’t think I can have Little Johnny in my class anymore.” His father asked, “Why ever not?” The teacher explained, “Your son told the class that you are a piano player in a whorehouse.” Little Johnny’s father responded, “But I’m not a piano player in a whorehouse, I’m a lawyer. How can you fire him for lying?”
32. A lawyer and the pope died at the same time and both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The pope’s room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. The lawyer’s room was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The pope looked at the lawyer’s room and asked St. Peter, “How come you give me, the head of the church, a room like this while you give that laywer a room like that?” St. Peter just shook his head and said “We have over a million popes up here, but that lawyer is the first one!”
33. How are lawyers and sperm alike? They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human being.
34. A priest and a lawyer are on a plane full of kids when the pilot announces, “I’m sorry but the plane is going down and we only have enough parachutes for half the passengers.” The lawyer takes a parachute and jumps off saying, ” Kids are the future!” The priest grabs two kids and says, “Here take these” as he hands them parachutes. The lawyer says, “How thoughtful of you!” The priest replies, “Relax, the world’s smartest lawyer just took off with my backpack.”
35. A doctor, engineer, and lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. The surgeon said, “Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously medicine is the oldest profession.” The engineer replied, “But before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, so engineering is older than medicine.” The lawyer smiled and said, “Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?”
36. A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident. The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book. He then asked the pope for his name and looked it up in his book also. Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.” St. Peter then turned to the pope and said, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff, and enter into the Kingdom of Heaven.” “Just a minute,” said the pope. “That man was a lawyer and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. I was the head of the Church on Earth and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?” St. Peter looked at the pope and said, “Up here, we go by results. When you preached, people slept. When he talked, people trembled in fear.”
37. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a leech? When you die, the leech stops sucking your blood.
38. A man walked into a bar and sat next to a young lawyer. Eager to impress the attorney, he started boasting. “You know, I’m smarter than the average man. Let me prove it to you.” The lawyer looked up from his drink with interest. “Okay, go ahead.” The man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a tiny box. “See this?” he said. “It’s the latest high-tech device. It’s loaded with thousands of general knowledge questions. Let me ask it something.” He tapped the box, and it asked in a smooth electronic voice “What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” The man quickly answered “238,900 miles.” The box replied “Correct.” The man boasted to the lawyer “See, I told you I’m smarter than the average man.” The lawyer looked unimpressed. “Big deal. That doesn’t prove anything.” The man was irritated. “Okay smart guy, you ask the box something.” The lawyer thought for a moment before tapping the box. “What goes up a hill wet and comes down a hill dry?” The box was silent for a full minute. Finally, it replied “I don’t have enough information to formulate an answer. What is the solution to the question?” The lawyer grinned and said to the man “You see, this proves that you’re not smarter than the average man. Because you don’t know the answer either!”
39. NASA was interviewing professionals they were considering sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going. “One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “OK,” said the interviewer, “you’ll hear from us.” The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. “Fine,” said the interviewer. The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he replied, “Three million dollars.” “Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer. The lawyer answered, “You give me three million, I’ll go. You give me three million, the engineer goes.”
40. A defendant wasn’t happy with how his lawyer handled his case, so he decided to appeal. He was told that he couldn’t just appeal for no reason, but could if he had fresh evidence that his lawyer withheld from the court. The man thought long and hard before realizing he might have something. He immediately headed to the law office to confront his lawyer. “Hey, you lost my case, but I’ve got new evidence to get it appealed!”, he yelled. The lawyer responded “No can do my friend, what’s done is done, we can’t appeal.” The defendant smirked and pulled out a voice recorder, showing it to his former lawyer. The lawyer’s face went pale as he stuttered “w-w-where did you get that?” The defendant smiled and hit play on the recorder “I’m so sorry my client, but I’m actually unlicensed to practice law and my degree is completely fake.” The lawyer buried his face in his hands and said “Please don’t use that against me, you have no idea how much trouble I could get in!” The defendant clicked stop on the recorder and said “I want double back my $50k in legal fees or I’m taking this to the state bar!” The lawyer begged “No please! I’ll pay whatever you want!” The defendant smiled and said “Always get everything recorded.”
More Lawyer Jokes
41. A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He notices a jar full of money behind the counter and asks the bartender “Hey, what’s with the jar?” The bartender replies “It’s for our weekly contest. You put in $20 to enter. If you complete three challenges, you win the whole jar.” The man thinks it over and puts in $20 to enter. “What’s the first challenge?” he asks. The bartender says “First, you gotta drink this entire bottle of tequila without stopping.” The man chugs it down without flinching. “Okay, what’s next?” asks the man. The bartender says “Second, there’s a crocodile out back with an abscessed tooth. You need to remove it with nothing but a pair of pliers.” The man heads outside, wrestles the crocodile and yanks the tooth out. He walks back in covered in scratches and asks “Alright, what’s the last challenge?” The bartender says “Third, you gotta go upstairs where you’ll find a 70-year old woman who hasn’t had sex in over 30 years. You need to please her until she’s completely satisfied.” The man looks disgusted but reluctantly heads upstairs. He’s up there for hours, with all kinds of yelling, screaming and banging. Finally, the exhausted, disheveled man comes back downstairs. He slams the money jar down on the counter and says to the bartender, “Okay pal, here’s your stupid money back! Now where’s my lawyer?”
42. Why don’t snakes bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
43. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer wears the nicer suit.
44. Two lawyers were out hunting when