Las Vegas Puns (10)
1. I went to a magic show in Vegas and the magician made everything disappear. It was an all-consuming experience.
2. I was going to tell a joke about Vegas slot machines, but I decided to hold it and see what comes up.
3. Did you hear about the new Las Vegas restaurant that serves nothing but ostrich meat? It specializes in gamblin’ gams.
4. I heard a rumor that Lady Luck moved to Vegas. I guess she wanted to up the ante.
5. I tried counting cards in Vegas but quickly folded. Math was never my strong suit.
6. I was going to tell a poker joke, but it probably wouldn’t play well in Vegas.
7. Did you know that Vegas chapels offer a special discount if you get married between 12am and 6am? It’s their dawn to dusk wedding special.
8. I heard there’s going to be a big dice convention in Vegas. The city is expecting thousands of attendees from all over the cubical world.
9. Did you hear about the new restaurant in Vegas that only serves blended drinks? It’s called Smoothie Operator.
10. I’d tell you a gambling joke, but I’m afraid you wouldn’t bet on it.
Las Vegas One-Liners (10)
11. What happens in Vegas gets posted on Instagram.
12. Vegas: Come for the buffets, stay ’cause you lost all your money.
13. Vegas is Spanish for “your money is now our money.”
14. They say the house always wins, unless you stay at a motel.
15. Vegas: Like Disneyland for adults, but with booze and strippers.
16. Vegas is the only place where you can lose your shirt gambling and get married by an Elvis impersonator at 4am.
17. Vegas: Where the slots pay out in coins and the buffets pay out in cholesterol.
18. Vegas is the only place where “what happens here” also includes bankruptcy.
19. Vegas: Come for the sin, stay because you lost your rent money.
20. Vegas: Where even the cafeteria food is buffet style.
Best Las Vegas Jokes (30)
21. I was in Vegas and put a dollar in a slot machine. Nothing happened. I put in another dollar. Nothing again. That’s when I realized I was playing on a vending machine.
22. My friend got thrown out of a Vegas casino after getting caught counting cards. He still doesn’t know when to hit or stand when playing blackjack, but he’s very good at subtraction now.
23. I was in a Vegas buffet and asked the woman at the counter, “Any shrimp dishes on the menu?” She said, “Oh honey, this is Vegas. We’ve got shrimp dishes on the ceilings.”
24. I was at a magic show in Vegas and volunteered to be part of the disappearing act. Now I can’t find my way back to my hotel.
25. I played rock-paper-scissors against a statue of Caesar outside of Caesars Palace in Vegas. The statue wasn’t very good – it only threw down scissors. I guess you could say Caesar only has one move.
26. My friend told me a great joke about Las Vegas gambling, but I decided not to bet on it.
27. I saw a street magician perform in Vegas. He said he could make himself disappear in 3 seconds. I’m still waiting to see it…I think he actually did disappear!
28. I tried to steal a deck of cards from a Vegas casino but got caught. I guess I should have folded while I was ahead.
29. I went to see a ventriloquist show in Vegas. It was terrible – you could totally see his lips moving.
30. I stayed in a Vegas hotel room so small, I had to go outside to change my mind.
31. I met a poker player in Vegas who claims he’s never bluffed once in his life. He’s a terrible liar.
32. I saw a man crying at a slot machine that had just taken his last $20 bill. A passerby stopped and asked, “Didn’t you realize those things are rigged?” The man answered, “Yeah I know. I just didn’t think it would happen to me!”
33. A tourist in Vegas walks up to a local and asks, “Why do they call this the Strip?” The Nevadan replies, “Because it’ll strip you of your money and clothes.”
34. Did you hear about the unsuccessful ATM robbery attempt in Vegas? The thief got caught trying to take a gamble.
35. I saw a crazy guy wandering down the Vegas strip yelling “Blackjack! Blackjack!” I asked him what blackjack he was yelling about. He replied, “I just really love the card game!”
36. What did the Las Vegas sign say to the eager tourist? “Come in and lose your cents!”
37. Why are the casinos in Vegas so rich? Because people like to give their money away!
38. Where does bad luck come from? Apparently Las Vegas, because everyone I know who visits there comes back complaining about losing money!
39. Did you hear about the man who brought a pair of dice to Vegas, convinced he couldn’t lose with his lucky charm? He promptly crapped out.
40. Vegas is the only place where you can see grown adults wearing diapers and playing slots at 10am. Hey, whatever ritual gets you lucky, right?
41. My gambling addict cousin just got back from Vegas. He said he lost over $1000 playing blackjack. That’s $21 he’ll never get back.
42. What did the Las Vegas gambler say when asked about her losses? “I didn’t lose money, I spent $500 on entertainment!”
43. Why are Vegas buffets so long? So people can waste time standing in line instead of losing money at the tables.
44. Where does the mob go to launder money nowadays? Vegas slot machines.
45. Did you hear about the unlucky gambler who somehow lost $5000 at the craps tables in Vegas? The odds of that are literally one in a million. He should buy a lotto ticket!
46. I tried to start a sexual abstinence group in Vegas. Nobody showed up except a guy looking for chips.
47. How do you win money in Vegas? Simple – just drive down the strip, stop at a busy intersection, get out of your car, and start picking it up off the street.
48. Why are Vegas buffets so expensive? Because the food hasn’t actually been eaten yet.
49. The best thing about Vegas is that what happens there also has to stay there, because it’s probably illegal or banned by the Geneva Convention.
50. Vegas: Where you can drink yourself stupid, marry a stranger, lose your life savings, and still feel like you had the time of your life. Sign me up!