Graduation Puns (15)
1. I heard the valedictorian’s speech was very concise and to the Dean’s list.
2. The honor students were really on a roll at graduation. Their parents must be so proudough of them.
3. Why did the graduate bring scissors to the ceremony? To cut the tension!
4. How did the art major graduate? By drawing on their creative skills.
5. Why did the drama student take so long to graduate? They were always getting caught up in the scenes.
6. How did the geometry major graduate? They figured it out!
7. Why did the English major take an extra semester to graduate? They had to work through all the sentence structures.
8. How did the history major graduate on time? They majored in passing their classes.
9. Why was the computer science major late to his graduation? He took a little longer to program his coursework.
10. How did the fashion design major prepare for graduation? She designed her cap and gown to make a statement.
11. Why was the biology major ready for graduation? She had all her ducks in a row and passed her classes with flying colors.
12. How did the economics major pass his classes? By using strategic models to maximize his GPA.
13. Why did the chemistry major take longer to graduate? He was too busy testing his theories in the lab.
14. How did the engineering major make it through graduation? By building up problem-solving skills over four years.
15. Why did the music major have perfect attendance at graduation? He didn’t want to miss a beat.
Graduation One-Liners (15)
16. Graduation caps off all your hard work.
17. Graduation is the commencement of the rest of your life.
18. Graduation means putting your knowledge to use in the real world.
19. Graduation is the final chapter before your next adventure begins.
20. Congrats graduate! You scored high on the test of life.21. Turn your tassel and jump into the future!
22. Way to go graduate! You really made the grade.
23. Congrats on your achievement graduate. You earned this.
24. From freshman to graduate, you did it!
25. Graduate and educate the world.
26. You graduated summa cum laude in life.
27. Graduate on time, employers don’t wait!
28. Congrats graduate! Your journey starts now.
29. Graduate or be tardy for the party called life.
30. Graduation means you passed all the big tests.
Best Graduation Jokes (45)
31. A graduating art student was asked what he planned to do after graduation. He said, “I’m hoping to get a job painting the lines down the center of roads. I’ve always dreamed of having a career as a centerline painter.”
32. On graduation day, a father handed his son an envelope and said, “Don’t open this until you’ve hit a tough spot in life.” Many years later, when the son was struggling financially, he opened the envelope which contained a cashier’s check for $50,000 and a note saying, “Buy yourself something nice!”
33. An engineering graduate decided to open a clinic that would diagnose problems for $10 and give a solution for $100. A man walked in, put $10 on the counter, and said his arm is broken. The graduate examined him, told him his arm was broken, and offered the solution for $100. The man angrily replied, “All you did was tell me my arm was broken. I already knew that! Give me back my $10.” The graduate handed back his $10 and said, “Thank you for coming, have a nice day.”
34. On the first day of class, the philosophy professor walked in, wrote the number 4 on the board and asked, “What is this?” Most students replied “the number 4” except one graduate who said “That which we call the number 4.” The professor replied, “Congratulations, you are now a philosopher.”
35. After finally graduating from art school, Pablo was excited to create great masterpieces. But he kept struggling to paint anything good. After months of frustration, he gave up and returned to art school demanding his money back. “I want my Monet back!” he shouted.
36. A business graduate was being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, “What is one plus one?” The graduate replied, “What do you want it to be?” Impressed, the interviewer hired him on the spot.
37. On the first day of work, a new graduate was shocked when his boss cut his paycheck into 20 pieces and kept 19 for himself. The boss laughed and said, “Welcome to the real world kid.”
38. An economics graduate opened his own financial planning business but went bankrupt within a year. When asked what happened, he explained “I planned the perfect business model on paper, but couldn’t account for unforeseen market variables.”
39. A chemistry graduate got fired from her first job for accidentally causing an explosion in the lab. As she was escorted out by security, she shouted, “You’ll be hearing from my chemist!”
40. A psychology graduate just finished his first therapy session. “So how did I do?” he anxiously asked his supervisor. “Well, you have the empathy of Mother Teresa and the insight of Freud,” replied the supervisor. “But you forgot to take your shoes off.”
41. On his first day working at a bank, the manager asked a new finance graduate to verify a check. After inspecting it carefully, he responded “Yup, the check is fine. The amount matches the written total and the signature looks authentic.” The manager facepalmed and said “It’s your first day, so I’ll let it slide. But next time, make sure to actually verify the funds before approving a check.”
42. A new graduate was hired as a secretary. On her first day, the phone rang and her boss said “Take a message!” Panicking, she picked up the phone, wrote down the message, and handed it to her boss. He looked at the piece of paper which simply said “Message.”
43. An English graduate landed a job at a prestigious law firm. On her first day, her boss asked her to summarize a long legal contract. She read it quickly and said, “It basically says you can’t divulge details or you’ll be fined $50,000.” Her boss replied, “That was a confidentiality agreement. You’re fired.”
44. A computer science graduate showed up 30 minutes late on his first day working at a software company. “Sorry I’m late,” he told his boss. “I sat down to do some coding before work and got carried away solving complex algorithms.” His boss just shook his head and said “Next time, set an alarm.”
45. On his first day as a financial advisor, a new graduate was assisting a client in choosing investments. He recommended focusing on volatile tech stocks that could triple in value overnight. The senior advisor intervened and said “Let’s start with some safe blue chip stocks for now.”
46. A journalism graduate landed a job at a major newspaper on the sports beat. For his first article, he wrote 1000 words analyzing a football game through the lens of existential philosophy. The sports editor just looked at him and said “The deadline was 2 hours ago. Next time, just tell me the score.”
47. On his first day working at a law firm, a new legal graduate was told to complete the paperwork to incorporate a company. After a few hours, he proudly dropped a 200 page incorporation agreement on his senior partner’s desk. Flipping through it, the partner said “This is way overkill for a simple incorporation. Let’s aim for 5 pages next time.”
48. A culinary school graduate landed a job at a high-end restaurant. On his first day, the head chef asked him to cut up some vegetables. He spent 30 meticulous minutes julienning carrots into perfectly even 2-inch strips. The chef took one look and said, “Rough chop next time. The soup doesn’t need micro-carrots.”
49. On his first day as a sales rep, a marketing graduate was out meeting potential clients. He spent 3 hours explaining the intricacies of each product feature to the first prospect. His frustrated boss finally called and said “You don’t need to pitch the entire product line. Just get their business card!”
50. An engineering graduate showed up to his first day interning at a construction company empty-handed. When the foreman asked him where his tools were, he pulled out his smartphone and said “I’ve got all the problem-solving apps I’ll need right here!” The foreman just handed him a shovel.
51. On his first assignment as a junior reporter, a journalism grad was told to cover a ribbon cutting ceremony. He arrived with a list of hard-hitting questions to ask the mayor about political scandals. The editor quickly intervened saying “This is just a photo-op piece. Save the muckraking for later.”
52. A new nursing graduate was assisting with a surgery on her first day. When the doctor asked for a scalpel, she nervously held out a pair of scissors instead. The doctor calmly said “It’s OK, you’ll get the hang of the instruments soon. For now we’ll stick with the basics.”
53. On his initial sales calls, a business grad launched into lengthy presentations about ROI, economies of scale, and other concepts he learned in school. After a few unsuccessful calls his boss advised “Lead with the value proposition first. Keep it simple for now.”
54. A philosophy grad landed an office job processing paperwork. On his first day, he read each document thoroughly, considering the moral implications of their corporate policies. His boss said “For now, just make sure the paperwork is complete and filed correctly.”
55. On his first week writing for a TV show, a film grad turned in a 400 page screenplay packed with intricate plot twists and dense character arcs. The producer skimmed it and said “This would be a 10 season series! For now, let’s aim for a lean 22 minute script.”
56. A new IT help desk employee received her first call from an angry customer complaining that the internet was not working. She spent 45 minutes walking the customer through intricate troubleshooting strategies. Finally, her supervisor stepped in and said “Always start with the basics first. Did you check if it was plugged in?”
57. For his first culinary class, a graduate of chef school prepared a 10-course French degustation menu with complementary wine pairings. The instructor ate a bite and said “This is excellent work! But for today, let’s just focus on some basic knife skills and cooking techniques.”
58. A marketing graduate landed an internship at an advertising agency. For his first assignment, he stayed up all night creating a 200-page branding guide for a simple birthday card campaign. The creative director glanced through it the next day and said “Let’s take it step-by-step. Start by brainstorming some fun card designs.”
59. On her first week as a financial analyst at a bank, an MBA graduate proposed a complete overhaul of their credit risk models using the latest statistical techniques. The head quant looked over her work and diplomatically said “Impressive work! But for now, just focus on preparing the quarterly filings using our current models.”
60. For his first project management assignment, an engineering graduate created a complex 500-item Gantt chart tracking every conceivable project milestone down to the hour. His supervisor gently suggested “Let’s just start with mapping out the major phases and milestones. We can add details later.”
61. On his first day as a tax accountant, a CPA spent 3 hours painstakingly verifying every minor business expense on a client’s return down to the penny. His senior manager glanced over his shoulder and said “Your accuracy is impressive! But we bill by the hour, so for now just focus on the big deductions.”
62. For her first landscape design proposal, an architecture graduate created an ornate 30-page plan for a client’s small backyard garden including technical drawings for an intricate Roman fountain. The lead architect looked it over and said “Nice work! But they just want a nice patio and some flower beds.”
63. A new web developer created a 1000-line JavaScript function to dynamically style a simple website’s heading text with smooth animations and hover effects. His supervisor saw the code and said “That’s some clean coding! But let’s keep it simple for now and just make the text bold.”
64. On his first day as a personal trainer, a kinesiology graduate asked his client to do a VO2 max test, DEXA scan, and intense series of CrossFit benchmark workouts. The gym manager intervened and said “Let’s start with some basic cardio and machines to get a baseline first.”
65. A physics graduate was hired by a company to optimize their manufacturing plant. He showed up with a 300-page mathematical proof for a revolutionary quantum production method. The plant manager glanced at it and said “How about we just focus on reducing bottlenecks for now.”
66. On her first week as a counselor, a psychology grad conducted 5 hours of in-depth Jungian dream analysis with her very first patient. In their next session, her supervisor gently said “Let’s begin with active listening and discussing their current problems first.”
67. A political science graduate got a job with a governor’s re-election campaign. He wrote a policy platform outlining a complete libertarian overhaul of every state agency. The campaign manager looked it over and said “How about we start by focusing on the bus transportation and education messaging.”
68. On his first day working the grill at a diner, a Le Cordon Bleu graduate prepared an elegant pork tenderloin with fig glaze served over saffron risotto. The owner took a sample and said “Tastes amazing! But just cook up some burgers and fries for now.”
69. An economics graduate’s first financial advice to clients was an intricate options trading strategy to hedge against market volatility and maximize upside. His boss intervened saying “Let’s start with some basic buy and hold stock and bond funds.”
70. A music theory graduate showed up to his first high school teaching job and immediately started lecturing about avant-garde tone row composition. The principal suggested “Maybe start with just teaching them Mary Had A Little Lamb on the recorder.”
71. On his first day as a surgical assistant, a med school graduate confidently began explaining the procedure to remove an appendix to the lead surgeon. With a chuckle, the surgeon said “Thanks, but I’ve got this. Can you grab me a clamp?”
72. A PhD in literature was hired at a local newspaper to write book reviews. His first submission was a 8000-word academic deconstruction of a Pulitzer Prize winning novel. The editor skimmed it and said “The column is 200 words max. Just give me a quick take on if it’s good.”
73. On her first week as a paralegal, a law graduate drafted an 80-page federal court brief for a straightforward contract dispute case. The seasoned senior partner glanced at it and said “This is an unpaid parking ticket case that’ll get settled out of court. Let’s keep the brief to 5 pages.”
74. On his initial sales visits to plumumbing supply stores, a business school graduate launched into lengthy lectures about supply chain logistics with PowerPoint slides. The sales manager finally said “Get to know them first, then pitch our pipe wrenches and flexible tubing.”
75. A new graduate teacher came prepared with a 6-month curriculum of college-level classics like The Odyssey for her 9th grade English class. On the first day, the principal said “Let’s start with something accessible like The Hunger Games.”
