Funeral Puns (20)
1. I heard the funeral director was offering a bier deal on caskets this week.
2. The grieving widow was coffin up a lot of emotions at her husband’s funeral.
3. The deceased man’s brother gave a grave speech at the funeral.
4. The funeral home had a dead serious no cell phone policy.
5. The pastor said a few final words to send the deceased off in style.
6. The family asked the funeral director to make the floral arrangements look nice so their loved one could go out in blossom.
7. The eulogy really embalmed the deceased’s spirit and memory.
8. The grieving family wanted an open casket funeral but the body was too decayed. It just wouldn’t casket.
9. The deceased was a comedian, so his funeral had a very light, humorous tone. People were dying of laughter.
10. The grieving widow passed out when she saw her husband in the casket. The sight was just too cadaverous.
11. The funeral director tried to upsell me on the deluxe burial package, but I told him I just wanted something simple, cheap, and mound-est.
12. I heard the cemetery groundskeeper dug up an old grave by accident. I guess he was just trying to unearth something.
13. My friend’s funeral was way too long – the eulogy really dragged on. He kept coffin and wheezing the whole time.
14. I got lost driving to the funeral and ended up at a golf course instead. I knew something was off when I saw the sign for the caddy shack.
15. I’m thinking of having my funeral at the bowling alley, that way people can have one last roll for me.
16. The grieving widow passed out again when they started lowering the casket into the grave. I guess she just couldn’t handle him being lowered into the tomb like that.
17. I heard they had to stop the funeral procession because the hearse broke down. I guess you could say the whole thing just stalled.
18. We got to the funeral 20 minutes late and missed most of it. We didn’t realize how grave the traffic would be.
19. My friend’s funeral viewing will be open coffin, but knowing him he’ll try to sneak in a quick nap.
20. The cemetery plot we picked for mom has a beautiful view of the mountains. She always did love scenic views so I know she’ll rest in peace.
Funeral One-liners (15)
21. I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
22. My uncle’s last wish was to have his remains spread around Disneyland. He loved that place. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I can afford that much fairy dust.
23. I told my wife that when I die, I want to be cremated. She made me an appointment for next Tuesday.
24. I want my funeral to be like a good Christian funeral – open coffin with mirrors on the inside lid.
25. I heard the funeral home started offering drive-thru viewings for people on the go. You just drive up, view the body, and go.
26. Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. Unless we’re at a funeral, then cry all you want.
27. Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there, I do not sleep. Do you really think I’d hang out at a cemetery? Rude.
28. Gravestones shouldn’t say “Rest in Peace” they should say “Respawning in 5…4…3…”
29. My health insurance only covers me for another 5 years. After that, just throw me in the trash.
30. You know you’re old when they start having funerals for people younger than you.
31. I’m leaving everything to charity when I die, my wife and kids can fend for themselves.
32. Save money on a funeral, just cover me in garlic sauce and let the dogs take care of me.
33. When I die, I want my remains scattered at Disneyland. Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
34. I want my ashes mixed with fireworks so my sons can shoot me out of that cannon we could never afford.
35. When I die, I want my last check to bounce.
Best Funeral Jokes (50)
36. A woman was leaving a funeral one day and she saw a man across the street skipping and whistling without a care in the world. She approached him and said, “I don’t understand how you can be skipping and whistling after just leaving a funeral.” The man replied, “Well ma’am, I’m not the one who died.”
37. An old man was very ill and lay dying in his bed. As he drew his last few breaths, he suddenly smelled cookies baking downstairs. With his last bit of strength, he got up from the bed and crawled down the stairs to the kitchen. There on the table sat a huge pile of chocolate chip cookies fresh from the oven. With his last ounce of energy, he reached for a cookie, stuffed it in his mouth, and died happily.
38. After the funeral, a widow baked her husband’s favorite chocolate chip cookies and left them on the counter to cool. Later that night, she heard a sound coming from the kitchen. She went downstairs and saw her dead husband, zombie-like, eating the cookies. He looked up at her and moaned, “seek vengeance…against those who wronged me.” And she said “But dear, who wronged you?” And he moaned again, “My doctor… he’s the one that insisted I eat more vegetables…”
39. A lawyer who was well known for his stinginess died unexpectedly and found himself at the pearly gates. Saint Peter decided to conduct the tour himself and show the lawyer around. As they walked through heaven, they passed by some magnificent villas reserved for the greatest philanthropists known to man. Finally, they came to a small shack with a tiny unpaved road leading up to it. “And this is yours,” exlaimed St. Peter. The lawyer looked at the shack in disgust and said, “I donated more to charity than any of those other guys, how come I get this ugly little shack while they get those mansions?” St. Peter shook his head and sighed, “Sir, we’ve done the best we could with the materials you sent us.”
40. An airline pilot dies and finds himself at the pearly gates, being greeted by St. Peter. “Congratulations!” says St. Peter. “We have a special treat for pilots who arrive here in heaven.” St. Peter then leads the pilot to a chauffeured golf cart with “United Airlines” printed on the side. “Hop in and enjoy,” says St. Peter. The pilot zooms down the road in his new ride, passing by beautiful parks and luxurious villas. After a few minutes, he comes to a rundown shack with a tiny dirt road leading up to it. On the mailbox, the pilot sees his own name. Confused, he says to St. Peter, “I don’t understand, I was expecting a mansion like those I passed along the way.” St. Peter replies, “I’m afraid we have to build your house based on the materials you sent ahead while you were still alive.” The pilot looks perplexed, “What materials? I didn’t send any materials!” St. Peter sighs and says, “Yes you did…every time you flew and said ‘this plane was built by the lowest bidder.'”
41. Three men were waiting in line to get into heaven. The angel at the gate tells the first man, “To get in, you must spell a word.” The angel gives him the word – love. The man correctly spells love and is allowed into heaven. The angel gives the second man the word – peace. The second man correctly spells peace and is also allowed into heaven. The angel gives the third man the word – Czechoslovakia. The third man tries his best but can’t correctly spell Czechoslovakia. The angel says, “Close enough” and allows him into heaven.
42. A stingy old lawyer finally died, but to everyone’s surprise, left his entire fortune to an elderly woman who owned a local bakery. His shocked family and friends asked why he left her so much money. “Well,” the lawyer explained in his will, “she slipped on the sidewalk outside my office last year and I was the one who told her that she didn’t have a legal case.”
43. A lawyer dies and makes it to the pearly gates. But the gates are closed and he can’t get in. So he loudly starts reciting every technicality and loophole he can think of. Suddenly, there is a loud thunderclap and the lawyer disappears. Then he finds himself standing before the Devil, who is licking his lips and rubbing his hands. The lawyer says, “I suppose you want to torture me for eternity?” The Devil says, “Nope, we’re sending you right back. We may not have any standards, but we do have some principles.”
44. Three sons were discussing what they plan to give their mother as a gift on Mother’s Day. The first son says, “I’m going to give mom a big house, surrounded by gardens and a beautiful fountain.” The second son says, “I’m going to give her a brand new Mercedes with a chauffeur.” The third son sighs and says, “I’d love to give mom something like that, but I’m just going to send her flowers like I do every year.” The first and second son look confused and ask, “Why only flowers? You know she’s not dead yet, right?”
45. One day a man was out for a walk when he came upon a funeral procession. Curious about who had died, he walks over to a man who appears to be the husband of the deceased and asks, “I’m terribly sorry for your loss. Were you married long?” The man replies, “We’ve been married for 25 years, but if she doesn’t wake up soon, I’m going to be really upset.”
46. A sweet old lady was informed by her doctor that she only had 6 months to live. She immediately contacted her pastor to plan her funeral. She told him she wanted her tombstone to say “Born a saint, lived a saint, died a saint.” The pastor politely informed her that the tombstone engraver only had space for 12 characters. The old lady pondered this for a moment, then confidently told the pastor, “Then just write: ‘Cheap and nasty.'”
47. A man was leaving church one Sunday when the pastor grabbed him by the hand and said, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!” The man replied: “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” Pastor questioned: “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?” He whispered: “I’m in the secret service.”
48. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will. She told her minister she had two final requests – first, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. “Walmart!” the minister exclaimed. “Why Walmart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
49. After the funeral service, the pallbearers were carrying the coffin out to the hearse and accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket. They opened the lid and found that the man was actually alive! At the hospital, he explained “I was alive the whole time and could hear everything at my funeral. But the part I liked best was when that cute insurance saleswoman said I looked so lifelike and natural.”
50. A man named James found out he only had a few weeks left to live due to a terminal illness. He decided to have a tombstone made for himself right away instead of leaving his wife to deal with it after his death. He went to a tombstone shop and told the engraved that he wanted it to read: “James Brown, loving husband and father, died 2023.” The engraver suggested he add some words of wisdom or comfort, but James insisted that he only wanted it to say his name and the year. Several weeks later, James’ wife visited the tombstone shop to have the engraving completed after her husband’s death. She explained he wanted it to only say his name and the year. The engraver said “Well it looks like your husband already stopped by and picked up the tombstone. I hope whatever words of wisdom or comfort I added were alright.” The wife was baffled. She found her way to the cemetery, searched for her husband’s plot, and saw the tombstone already in place. It read: “James Brown, loving husband and father, died 2023. I TOLD YOU I ONLY WANTED MY NAME AND THE YEAR!”