Florida Puns (20)
1. I heard Florida is changing its name to Flow Rida because everyone is leaving the state.
2. Why did the oranges quit their jobs and move out of Florida? They couldn’t stand being squeezed every day.
3. Florida’s state flower is the flower with its petals missing…it got blown away in the hurricane.
4. What do you call someone from Florida who just broke up with their partner? Homeless.
5. Why did the dolphin move to Florida? Just for the halibut.
6. Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun in Florida? Because they’re always a little short.
7. Did you hear about the crocodile who went to Florida? He wanted to see a gator.
8. The one drawback to living in Florida is all the oranges ask you for directions.
9. Why did the shark refuse to go to Florida for vacation? He heard there would be too many tourists!
10. What do you call a line of old people in Florida? A hurricane evacuation route.
11. My friend got arrested on South Beach for saying Florida has too much sun. They charged him with distressing a brightness.
12. What happens when you tell an alligator in Florida a joke? It cracks up.
13. Why couldn’t the ghost haunt Florida? He didn’t have enough booooooody to scare anyone.
14. Why was the robot crab confused in Florida? He kept walking sideways into the ocean.
15. Why don’t sharks eat lawyers in Florida? Professional courtesy.
16. Florida is bringing back hanging chads for the next election. It will be the chicest voting trend.
17. What do you call a confused iguana in Florida? A lost a leg you wanna find.
18. Why do palm trees in Florida lean towards the southeast? Because that’s the direction the wind blows!
19. Why did the palm tree get kicked out of Florida? It was being shady.
20. What do you call a Floridian wearing earmuffs and a winter coat in 60 degree weather? A snowbird.
Florida One-Liners (20)
21. Florida’s state motto: Come for vacation, leave on probation.
22. Floridians don’t tan, they rust.
23. In Florida, a BMW is anyone driving slower than you.
24. When it says “Love Bugs” on the Florida license plate, it’s not referring to insects.
25. The further north you go in Florida, the further south you feel.
26. In Florida, if the hurricane doesn’t drive you crazy, the neighbors will.
27. Nothing in Florida is on the level, not even the land.
28. Florida has two seasons: summer and January.
29. Everyone in Florida is either running toward pleasure or away from pain.
30. A visitor to Florida asks “What’s that terrible smell?” A resident replies “Money.”
31. The only place in Florida without mosquitoes is Disney World. Coincidence?
32. Florida election results prove Darwin was wrong.
33. Why are divorces so expensive in Florida? Because it’s worth it.
34. I got hit by a kid on a bike in Florida. I asked the dad “What’s your name?” He said “Call me a Florida ambulance.”
35. Florida’s state tree is actually just a telephone pole.
36. Florida’s state sport is running red lights.
37. What do you call someone from Florida who is nice to you? A tourist.
38. Florida: Where your inevitable death is the most interesting fact about you.
39. Want to avoid hurricanes in Florida? Move to a trailer park, they never hit those.
40. Florida is changing its name to “America’s Basement.” It’s always wet, full of mold, and you only go down there when the power is out.
Best Florida Jokes (20)
41. A man moves to Florida and buys a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agrees to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drives up and says, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.” The man replies, “Well then, just give me my money back.” The farmer says, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” The man says, “Okay then, just unload the donkey.” The farmer asks, “What ya gonna do with him?” The man says, “I’m going to raffle him off.” To which the farmer replies, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!” “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he is dead.” A month later the farmer met up with the man and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?” The man says, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.” Totally amazed, the farmer asks, “Didn’t anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you raffled off a dead donkey?” The man replies, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
42. A guy from up North decides to visit Florida one winter. He stops at a local bar and announces, “Geez, it’s cold out there!” The bartender looks at him and says, “Yeah, and it’s so hot in here that I saw a rooster lay a hard boiled egg.” The Northerner is puzzled but doesn’t say anything. After a few more drinks he steps outside to take a leak. As he’s finishing up he notices ice forming on his, um, extremities. He runs back into the bar and yells, “Hey bartender, you weren’t kidding about how hot it is in here. When I went outside to take a leak an egg I was hatching froze solid halfway out!”
43. A man moved to Florida from up North and went fishing one day. He caught a huge fish but unfortunately on his way home he hit a pothole and dropped the fish. AHungry alligator snatched up the fish before the man could get it back. The man called the local game warden to complain and said he wanted restitution for the fish. The game warden asked him to describe the alligator and where the incident happened. The man said, “I don’t know, all these Florida alligators look the same to me!” The game warden replied, “Well then, I’m afraid you’ve learned an important lesson today: don’t count your eggs before they’re hatched.”
44. A lady about 80 years old from North Dakota decided to spend her senior years in Florida. One day there was a knock at her door and when she opened it, she found an alligator. She called the game warden and complained. He asked if she had fed the alligator, she said no. He asked if she had been swimming where the alligator lives, again no. He asked if it was bothering pets or children, no. The warden then asked if the alligator was foaming at the mouth, did it seem ill, was it acting aggressively, again no. The warden then asked why she was calling about the alligator. The lady replied, “I’m awfully lonely here in Florida, I just wanted someone to talk to.”
45. A man moves into a retirement community in Florida. His neighbor stops by to welcome him and says, “There are some strange characters living here, be careful who you talk to. For example, crazy Earl thinks he is a parking meter. If you want to speak to him, you have to pay him a quarter.” The man thinks this is odd but thanks his neighbor for the heads up. The next day, the man is heading out to go golfing and sees his neighbor Earl standing on the sidewalk doing nothing. Curious, he walks up and says “Hi Earl, nice morning for a walk!” Earl ignores him. The man tries again, “Good day for golf, huh?” Still no response. Annoyed, the man pulls out a quarter and hands it to Earl saying “Here’s a quarter to talk to you. Now will you speak to me?” Immediately Earl comes to life and says “Brand new course just opened up 10 miles down the road, you’ll love it!” He hands the quarter back to the stunned man and says, “My other neighbor Bob thinks he is Robin Hood. But, don’t worry about paying him anything, the cheap bastard will just give it back.”
46. A man went on vacation to Florida and toured around a wildlife park. He lost his wallet while on the tour. When he went to report the lost wallet, he told the staff that the wallet had all his money, credit cards and his driver’s license. However, he could still remember his name and address. The staff posted details about the lost wallet on their noticeboard. When the man returned from the tour, he found his wallet placed neatly under the noticeboard. He opened it excitedly and found that all the content were still there, except his cash. There was a note, “Your cash was picked up by Robin Hood, Address: Sherwood Forest, Nottingham.”
47. A family from up North decided to head down to Florida for a beach vacation. When they arrived at their hotel, they were horrified to see the beach littered with dead fish. They asked the hotel manager what was going on. The manager said, “Oh, we have a problem with the tide here. Every morning all the fish wash up on shore dead.” The family was appalled but decided to make the best of it. The next morning, the father got up early and went down to the beach to find the shore clean with no sign of dead fish. He saw a local man and asked him, “We were here yesterday and the beach was covered in dead fish. Where did they all go?” The local replied “Ah, the cats took care of them already.” The tourist looked around puzzled, “Cats? I don’t see any cats around here.” The local nodded knowingly and said, “They’re cat-fish.”
48. A man moves to Florida from up North and decides to look for a job at the local zoo. However, the only position available is to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be a gorilla in the cage. He figures it’s better than nothing so he takes the job. His first day on the job, he puts on the costume and is doing a pretty good gorilla imitation when an elderly lady in a wheelchair stops to check him out. After staring at him for a minute she says, “I know why you’re sitting there making a fool of yourself. You must have lost your wife and home up North and now you’re forced to take any job you can. I see this kind of desperation all the time here in Florida.” The man was stunned that she figured out his situation just by looking at him. He waited for the lady and her friend to move on, then took off the gorilla costume and approached his supervisor, asking if he could speak frankly. His supervisor said sure, go ahead. The man said, “You know, I’m a professional actor and I’m extremely offended that this old lady could see right through my act and deduce my circumstances from a brief glance.” The supervisor smiled and said, “Yeah, some people are like that. But don’t worry too much, she thinks everyone around here is a desperate drifter. For example, right now she’s telling her friend that the guy dressed like a gorilla is really our maintenace guy from Skokie, Illinois who’s wife left him and took the trailer.”
49. A family driving through Florida was nearing Disney World when they had a terrible accident and all were killed. Upon arriving at the pearly gates of heaven they were greeted by Saint Peter. Saint Peter told them they could stay in heaven if they each used one word to describe how they died. The father thought and said “accident”. Saint Peter nodded and turned to the mother who thought and said “sudden”. Saint Peter said yes, and turned to the son, a blonde-haired teenager. The boy said “Wow!” Saint Peter got annoyed and said “Come on this is heaven, you need to be using something more descriptive.” The boy shrugged and responded, “Instant Disney World!”
50. Three men all lived alone in a retirement community in Florida. Fred inherited $50,000 but he was lonely and wanted a girlfriend to enjoy his money with. Joe also inherited $50,000 but he spent it all on gambling, booze and hookers. Pete didn’t inherit any money but he joined a senior dating agency and found a nice girlfriend. The men compared notes and Fred asked Joe, “I wanted a relationship but couldn’t find it. Yet you just wanted to party and easily found dates. What’s your secret?” Joe replied, “Well, I couldn’t score any dates on my own either. So I went down to Florida’s ‘Make-A-Wish Foundation’ and told them my final wish was to spend the last years of my life with a bunch of great women. And guess what, it worked!” Pete was surprised and asked Joe, “So you told them you were dying just to meet some women?” Joe said, “Sure did. Sorry Fred, you should have come with me, we could have told them we were both dying and they’d hook us both up.” Fred shook his head and said, “Nah, they would have seen right through that. I heard they’re really strict and only cater to actual dying people, so no healthy guy could get approved.” At this point, Pete started laughing hysterically. Fred and Joe turned to him puzzled and said, “What’s so funny?” Through his laughter Pete replied, “Oh nothing really, it’s just that I really am dying.”
60. A man from up north retired and moved to Florida. Being bored he decided to volunteer doing tours at the local alligator farm. On his first day, a tour group of senior citizens crowded around the alligator pen to get a closer look. The man started his commentary, “This is Reginald, he is 7 years old and weighs close to 600 pounds….” Right then Reginald lunged up and grabbed the man’s arm in his mouth. Everyone screamed and panicked, but the man remained calm and said, “Okay folks don’t worry, I’ll tap Reginald on the nose and he’ll release me shortly.” After a few tense moments Reginald let him go. His arm was bleeding and his shirt was torn but he acted unfazed. Later his supervisor came up to him and said, “That was quite a scare! You were so calm during it all, I’m impressed with your nerves.” The man replied, “Oh it wasn’t my first time. I’m retired up north, but for 20 years I used to be a reviewer for TripAdvisor. Being attacked and criticized really helps thicken your skin.”