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45 Hilarious British Jokes

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45 Hilarious British Jokes

British Puns

  1. Why don’t the British put ice in their drinks? Because it’s strictly on the rocks!
  2. Why are British comedians so depressed? They prefer dark humour.
  3. Why don’t ants get sick in Britain? Because they have anty-bodies.
  4. Why did the Englishman wear two pairs of trousers? Because he fancied a double denim.
  5. Where do poor meat pies go in London? The mince roundabout!
  6. Why do the British like warm beer? Because Lucas refrigerators don’t work!
  7. How do the British organize a party? They planet.
  8. How do the British tie their shoes? In knots.
  9. Why do the British drink warm beer? Because they have Lucas refrigerators.
  10. What do you call an empty English teapot? A depressed Brit.

British One-Liners

  1. I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I just can’t seem to put it down.
  2. Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.
  3. What kind of overalls does Mario wear? Denim denim denim.
  4. I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
  5. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
  6. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
  7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
  8. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn’t find any.
  9. I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
  10. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.

Best British Jokes

  1. An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
  2. An Englishman’s wife gets homesick and asks if they can move back to England. He replies, “You must be joking, love. Living in drizzly old England? Rather not, dear.” She says, “But I miss the cloudy skies and the miserable weather.” He says, “But darling, you don’t have to move to see all that. I’m right here!”
  3. An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are discussing their families. The Englishman says, “I have four sons. One more and I’ll have a cricket team.” The Scotsman says, “I have five sons. One more and I’ll have a football team.” The Irishman says, “I have ten daughters. One more and I’ll have a bridge club.”
  4. An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, all of which were on the 4th floor. She said, “I will not be able to climb up so many stairs as the elevator is awfully slow. Do you have any on a lower floor?” He said “No, madam. But you will only be using the stairs once. After that, you will be using the elevator.”
  5. Two Englishmen are discussing their dogs: “My dog is so intelligent. Every morning he waits for the newspaper delivery man to come and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.” His friend says, “I know…” “How do you know?” “My newspaper delivery man told me.”
  6. An Englishman, tired from walking around all day, decides to take a cab. He hails one passing by, but realizes the cab driver is English too. Still, he gets in the cab. After a few minutes of driving, the English passenger taps the English cab driver on the shoulder. The driver screams, loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus and stops inches from a shop window. “Bloody hell!” yells the driver, “What was that all about?” “Sorry” says the passenger “I just wanted to ask you something.” “What?!” asks the irate driver. “Do you drive this cab every day?” asks the passenger. “Yeah, why?” asks the driver. “Well, I thought you would be rather tired by now.”
  7. Q: How do you sink a submarine full of Brits?
    A: Knock on the hatch and ask if the fish and chips are ready yet.
  8. An Englishman walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter. He notices two Mexicans sitting at the bar and remarks, “I don’t like Mexicans. You can’t trust ’em.” The bartender replies, “In this pub, sir, we serve drinks, we don’t judge people.”

    The Englishman downs his drink then orders another. He again sees the Mexicans and loudly states, “Still don’t like Mexicans. Wish they’d go back to Mexico.” The bartender leans over and says to the Englishman, “Sir, in this establishment we serve drinks to strangers; we don’t pass judgment.”

    The Englishman orders a whiskey this time. As he drinks he eyes the Mexicans and announces, “I still can’t stand Mexicans.” The bartender angrily slams his hand on the bar and says, “Sir! In this bar we serve drinks to humans. We don’t care about their race or nationality!”

    The Englishman thinks for a moment and asks the bartender, “Tell me, are you Mexican?” The bartender sighs and says, “Si.” The Englishman grins and shouts, “Aha! Gotcha! You can’t fool me. You won’t serve Mexicans here!”

  9. An English nobleman decides to get his portrait painted. He visits a famous artist and says “Could you paint me sitting on my lavish steed in my riding outfit?” The artist says “Why certainly sir, I can do that.” The nobleman continues “Oh and in the background could you paint my stately manor and the landscapes surrounding it?” The artist responds “Absolutely sir, I’d be delighted to.” The nobleman then states “And in the distance a herd of deer running through a golden meadow please.” Exasperated the artist states “Sir, just a portrait of you not the whole of England!”
  10. An Englishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.The undertaker told the Englishman, “You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.”The Englishman thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only £150?”The Englishman replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
  11. An Englishman, even though he is married, falls in love with a spicy Spanish woman while on a business trip to Spain. He keeps in touch with her and decides to bring her back to England as his mistress. They make plans to meet at the train station when she comes for a visit. The Englishman waits at the train station but watches train after train arrive and no spicy Spanish mistress. Finally, he spots her leaning against a pillar. He rushes over to her and asks why she’s so late. She replies, “My name is Consuelo. I missed my period.”