Toilet Paper Puns (15)
1. I entered a competition for who could write the best toilet paper jokes. I got a roll of honourable mention!
2. Did you hear about the new extra soft toilet paper? It’s called John Wayne because it doesn’t take crap off anyone.
3. My friend got fired from the toilet paper factory. He said they made up some crappy excuses to let him go.
4. I told my boss we needed to order more toilet paper for the office. He said to log into the company TP-report to put in the request.
5. Did you know that toilet paper companies have very clean financial records? There’s not a shred of impropriety in their books!
6. I entered my cat in a toilet paper costume contest. He won first prize for Best Impurrsonation.
7. Did you hear about the toilet paper thief who got away? Police say they have nothing to go on.
8. I’m thinking of taking up a new hobby of collecting antique toilet paper. Family say it will give me something to do when I’m bored off my trolley.
9. My girlfriend broke up with me because apparently I take too long in the bathroom. I guess she just couldn’t put up with my rolls and rolls of toilet paper use anymore.
10. Did you hear about the toilet paper manufacturer that’s moving locations? They say it’s part of a restructuring to wipe the slate clean and flush out inefficiencies.
11. I entered my pet iguana in a toilet paper costume pageant. He took home first prize for Most Charmin’ Reptile.
12. Did you hear about the toilet paper thief who pickpocketed rolls wherever he went? Police finally caught him red-handed.
13. I’m friends with someone who works at the toilet paper factory. He has a very tearable job.
14. My cousin got a job installing toilet paper dispensers. The family always knew he would end up in some sort of roll.
15. Did you hear about the toilet paper thieves working together as a gang? Police say to be on the lookout for a roaming ring of wipeouts.
Toilet Paper One-Liners (14)
16. I’m starting my own brand of extra strong toilet paper for tough situations. It’s going to be called Hercules: For Messes That Need Muscle.
17. Don’t cry over spilled milk, but you may need to panic over a lack of toilet paper.
18. Always double check you have toilet paper, or your day could really go down the drain.
19. Toilet paper, letting you deal with crap one sheet at a time.
20. They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy toilet paper which is pretty darn close.
21. Toilet paper: helping you cope with life’s daily BS.
22. Toilet paper gives new meaning to the term “personal assistant.”
23. Be kind to your toilet paper, you’ll miss it when it’s gone.
24. Toilet paper: helping save people’s behinds since 1857.
25. In case of emergency break toilet paper.
26. Toilet paper: The MVP of the bathroom.
27. Without toilet paper, things could get really crappy.
28. Thank goodness for toilet paper to help wipe our tears of laughter at these jokes!
29. Toilet paper is proof that the best things in life truly are free.
Best Toilet Paper Jokes (20)
30. I accidentally bought very rough, cheap toilet paper. Now I know why it was on sale: it was so sand paper.
31. Did you hear about the guy who got arrested in the bathroom stall? He was caught with his pants down illegally streaming toilet paper rolls.
32. My friend was feeling lonely being single, so as a prank I set her up on a blind date with a roll of toilet paper. Let’s just say it didn’t go over very smoothly.
33. What did one piece of toilet paper say to the other? “Hang in there, partner!”
34. Why did the toilet paper seem so clingy? Because it refused to let go.
35. I tried to make my toilet paper more optimistic by labeling the rolls “half full” instead of “half empty” but it was just spoolful thinking in the end.
36. What do you get when you cross a roll of toilet paper and a stick of dynamite? Tear-able explosion.
37. I’ll never forget the Halloween my son dressed up as a toilet paper mummy. He was positively wrapped up in it!
38. Did you hear about the guy who put on a play about the history of toilet paper? Critics are calling it “riveting and absorbent entertainment.”
39. A piece of toilet paper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve your kind here.” The toilet paper gets upset and leaves. It’s a clean joke.
40. Did you hear about the master knitter who crocheted an entire outfit using only toilet paper? Talk about high fashion from the sewer collection!
41. Did you hear about the restaurant with a special toilet paper tasting menu? Apparently you can get a corn-on-the-cob holder appetizer, ply-ers with salad, and dessert crêpes with a spreader.
42. Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own? Because it’s two-tired. Why can’t toilet paper do the same? Because it’s tearable.
43. What do you call a endless roll of toilet paper? John Wick, because he never runs out of TP to kick butt.
44. Did you hear about the guy who brought only one square of toilet paper camping? He ended up getting stranded with no TP – talk about being behind a roll!
45. What do Alexander the Great and toilet paper have in common? They both used strategic wipes to change the world.
46. Did you hear about the kleptomaniac arrested for stealing toilet paper? Police described him as being on a “roll” with over 500 rolls of TP seized from his home so far.
47. Why can’t toilet paper ever be sarcastic? It can’t help rolling its eyes or talking backside.
48. Did you hear about the city that banned toilet paper to save money? It was a crappy cost-cutting measure that created quite a stink.
49. The inventor of perforated toilet paper should be honored with a Nobel Prizey – it was such a tearable achievement advancing human happiness!