Time Puns
1. I tried to explain time travel to my friend, but it went over his head.
2. My watch got mad at me when I said it was behind the times.
3. I entered a contest for watches, but I lost. I guess I didn’t have the time.
4. I was going to tell a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t like it.
5. My friend said “Time heals all wounds.” I said, “No, time wounds all heels.”
6. I used to have a fear of time, but then I realized it was all in my head.
7. I was going to make a joke about the present, but I don’t have the time.
8. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. Why did 7 eat 9? Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
9. I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
10. I entered the clockmaker’s convention, but I had a terrible time.
11. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
12. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
13. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
14. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
15. I wanted to learn more about velcro, so I decided to stick with it.
Time One-Liners
16. I would tell you a time travel joke, but you didn’t like it.
17. I’m reading a great book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
18. Did you hear about the angry clock? It went ticks off.
19. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
20. Did you know the first clocks were quite dangerous? People were tock-sick.
21. If time flies when you’re having fun, I must have had a miserable time – it’s still Tuesday!
22. They say time heals all wounds, but I ain’t got time for that.
23. I gave up my career as a time traveler. It was just one thing after another!
24. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the face with a clock? He was very disoriented and missed a few seconds there.
25. I wanted to learn more about cleaning my vacuum, but it just sucked me in.
26. Why do computers hate mornings? Because they have to deal with so many crashes!
27. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before you hear them speak.
28. I broke my arm reaching for the clock, but I’m alright – it was just a second hand injury.
29. My friend told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
30. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
Best Time Jokes
31. Three guys are walking through the woods when they find an old lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie. Delighted, the genie says, “You have freed me after all these years, so I will grant each one of you 3 wishes.”
The first guy immediately shouts out, “I want a billion dollars!” POOF, he’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50. The second man thinks for a bit, then says, “I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.
The first guy says, “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
The second guy says, “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says, “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy does, and after a while says, “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him anymore.
The second guy says, “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says, “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. The first guy is ecstatic: “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.” The second guy smiles and says: “Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: “Guys, I think I fucked up.”
32. A farmer is out in the field with his flock when his sheepdog comes running up to him. The dog says “Farmer Farmer! The sheep are getting ready to stampede!”
The farmer says “Good lord, well how do you know that?”
The dog says “Because they’re yelling baa ram ewe! Baa ram ewe!”
33. Two guys are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out “Snake! Run!”
The other guy laughs and says “Man, relax. It’s just a garden hose.”
The first guy turns around to look and barely has time to scream before he’s engulfed by a giant snake swallowing him whole.
The moral of the story? Some people can’t tell time.
34. A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink!” The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The moral of the story? Quit while you’re a head.
35. A priest decides to skip church one Sunday morning and head to the golf course. He tells his assistant that he isn’t feeling well. He drives by a par 4 and sees a foursome already on the green. He checks the group ahead of him and sees that they are still on the tee box waiting their turn. He thinks to himself, “I’ll just sneak up between holes and play through. I’ll be done before the assistant even knows I’m gone.”
He drives up to the men on the tee box and tells them that he wants to play through. They say fine, but that they are in the middle of a tournament and ask him not to record their scores. He agrees and tees off.
He drives the ball 324 yards, bounces just short of the green, and rolls to within 4 feet. He chips up and sinks the putt for eagle. He picks up the ball so as not to record their scores. The men are amazed: “Father, that was incredible! What are you, a scratch golfer?”
The priest replies, “Nope. I’m just Phillip’s assistant at St. Roch’s. I always tell him that there’s no point going to church – nobody’s there to see you tee off.”
36. A priest decides to do a questionnaire based on the Ten Commandments. He stands before his congregation one Sunday morning with a bucket in front of him. “Please put a dollar in the bucket every time you have violated one of the Ten Commandments.” He’s excited to see how much his flock learns from this experience.
The collection bucket is full of dollars. As the congregation leaves the church, the minister says, “Come back next week – I have a great sermon on the Ten Commandments!”
The next Sunday morning no one drops any money in the bucket. “Have you all kept the commandments this week?” the minister asks. The congregation sits there, looking smug.
From the back row a little old lady raises her hand. “You told a lie last week, Vicar. There were only 10 commandments, not 20.”
37. Once upon a time, there was a monk who woke up every morning and went to morning prayers. After prayers, he would go to tend his small garden. In the garden was a single papaya tree that never once bore any fruit. Still, the monk tended the tree every day, hoping it would one day bear fruit.
One day, as the monk was returning from prayers, he noticed his papaya tree was starting to bear fruit! Just three small papayas were growing, but the monk was overjoyed. He waited patiently every day for the papayas to ripen.
A few weeks later, the papayas were big, orange and looked ripe for picking! The monk was so excited, he invited all his fellow monks to come look at the fruit of his labor. They all admired the beautiful looking papayas.
The head monk said “My friend, it looks like your papayas are ripe and ready to eat! You must be so proud.”
“Yes,” replied the monk. “But I think I’ll wait one more night. My papayas aren’t ready yet – time will tell!”
38. One day a farmer’s donkey fell into an abandoned well. The donkey cried for hours as the farmer tried to figure out a way to get him out. He rallied some people from the village to help. They each grabbed a rope and tried pulling the donkey out. But it didn’t work.
They kept trying new tactics, but after hours of effort, the donkey was still stuck in the well, crying his heart out. The farmer was distraught – that donkey was his livelihood. So he decided there was only one option left. He called his farmhands and had them start shoveling dirt into the well to bury the donkey.
Initially the donkey just cried more. But after a while, he quieted down. The farmer was puzzled. He looked into the well, and was amazed at what he saw. Every time the dirt landed on the donkey’s back, he would shake it off and climb on top of the growing dirt pile.
Before long, the donkey made it to the top of the well and jumped out, free from danger. What had seemed like the donkey’s end became his saving grace because he never gave up.
The moral of the story? Shake it off and step up.
39. A Greek and Italian were debating over who had the most superior culture.
“We built the Acropolis!” said the Greek.
“We built the Coliseum!” said the Italian.
“We came up with advanced mathematics!” said the Greek.
“We made the Roman Empire!” said the Italian.
Just then, an old Jewish man walked by and interrupted the debate. “But we invented the concept of time,” said the Jew.
“No, no I’m sure the Greeks came up with time,” said the Greek.
“Actually, pretty sure it was the Egyptians or Babylonians who did that first,” said the Italian.
The old Jewish man just shrugged. “Well, all I know is that we were the ones who decided to get wristwatches and calendars.”
40. A physicist, biologist and mathematician are sitting outside a café when two people walk into the house across the street. A few minutes later, three people come out of the house. The physicist says, “Our initial measurement was incorrect.” The biologist says, “They must have reproduced.” The mathematician thinks for a minute, then says “If one more person goes into that house then it will be empty.”
41. What do you call two crows not in a relationship? Crow buddies.
What do you call a bunch of crows having dinner together? A crow meal.
Why do crows stick together? Because they’re birds of a feather.
Why do crows say “caw”? Because they can’t pronounce the letter P. Why is “caw caw” their catchphrase and not “peep peep”? Because crows can say whatever they want, no one’s gonna stop them.
What happened to the crow who worked for UPS? He got fired for crowssing packages.
Which crow works at the bank? Teller crow.
How does a crow finance his yogurt shop? Crowdfunding.
42. Why do clocks keep going in circles?
– They have so many ticks they need to get out
– They have a lot of time on their hands
– They want to make the most of every second
– Going forward makes them anxious
– The clockwise lifestyle is all they’ve ever known
– Counter clockwise clocks were ruthlessly bullied out of existence
– Circles are an ideal shape with no beginning or end like time itself
– Square and triangular clocks could never catch on
– Sir Isaac Newton decreed it to mess with future generations
– To remain on time of course!
43. I tried to make a time machine yesterday. It didn’t work though, so I’m gonna try again next week.
44. What do you call a nocturnal timepiece? A night watch.
45. My friends say I’m living in the past. Which is very rude of them – I’m just time traveling to yesterday.
46. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. Why did 7 eat 9? Because you need 3 squared meals a day.
47. Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient
