Running Puns
1. I wanted to run a marathon, but I didn’t have the endurance. So I decided to just do a half-marathon instead—13.2 miles should be a walk in the park!
2. My friend got exhausted halfway through his first marathon. I guess he didn’t train well enough beforehand. Now he knows that running isn’t a sprint—it’s a marathon.
3. I was feeling energetic so I told my friend I wanted to go for a jog. He said, “Slow down, speed racer!” I guess I was a little too excited about running.
4. I signed up for a marathon to get into shape but didn’t train at all. On race day, I took one step forward and immediately collapsed. I guess you could say I ran a one-step marathon.
5. My coworkers were impressed when I told them I ran a 5K race over the weekend. But then I had to explain that I meant kilometers, not miles—so really I only ran about 3 miles.
6. I wanted to run a marathon before turning 40. But now that I’m 39, I don’t think I’ll make it. Instead, I’ll just run a half marathon so I can say I ran 13.2 miles—or in other words, halfway to 40.
7. I was staggering around after finishing a marathon. My friend asked if I was drunk. I said, “No, I’m not drunk! I just ran 26.2 miles!”
8. Running shoes used to be my favorite kind of shoes. But after my first marathon, now slippers are my favorite.
9. A couch potato entered a marathon but didn’t train at all. Not surprisingly, they didn’t make it far before passing out. I guess you could say they hit the wall pretty quickly.
10. My friend claims she runs marathons, but I’m skeptical. The only marathon I’ve ever seen her run is watching TV show marathons on Netflix.
Running One-Liners
11. I run like Forrest Gump…except slower and without impressive ping pong skills.
12. Marathon training plan: Run 3 miles on Monday, 2 on Tuesday, call in sick on Wednesday, never run again.
13. My runs are measured in calories burned, not miles.
14. I started running to lower my cholesterol. It didn’t work, but now I can eat more cheese.
15. I run like a princess…I make other people do it for me.
16. I run until someone screams “Stop!” Usually it’s me.
17. I was going to start running, but I saw a cookie.
18. I don’t run. If you see me running, you should too.
19. I’m not running late, I’m jogging fashionably behind schedule.
20. I wanted to be a jogger…but I couldn’t keep up the pace.
Best Running Jokes
21. I was struggling to get through my morning run so I started thinking about my goals to motivate myself: qualifying for the Boston Marathon, losing 20 pounds, improving my health…just then, a doughnut shop came into view. I decided maybe running isn’t my thing after all.
22. My friend invited me to run a 5K with her, but I had to decline. I told her the only races I run are to the fridge or to the bathroom after too much coffee!
23. I signed up online for my first marathon but had no idea what I was getting myself into. On race day, I took off fast with the excitement of the starting gun. After a few minutes I was winded but thought I could push through the pain. But by mile 3, I was regretting every life decision that led me to paying an entry fee for this torture. As I collapsed dramatically at mile 4, I made a mental note to just donate money next year instead of running.
24. My husband wanted to get into shape so he signed up for a marathon. On race day, I dropped him off at the start line and then went to run some errands. Many hours later, I got a call that he had finished! I said, “Wow that’s amazing! Your first marathon! What was your time?” He replied “Time? I’ve just been waiting around here for you to come pick me up…”
25. I took up running to lower my stress levels. But constantly being passed by 70-year-olds while gasping for breath has really done nothing for my anxiety.
26. My mom was nervous about running a marathon for the first time. She asked me for advice. I said, “The most important thing is proper training. Make sure you work up to long distances and practice running at race pace. And try different nutrition options during your long runs to make sure you don’t hit the wall at mile 20. Oh and get some good shoes—that’s key!” My mom said, “Okay, I got it. Proper training, nutrition, shoes…” Then on race day, she showed up wearing flip flops.
27. I wanted to impress my girlfriend so I told her I was going to run a marathon. She was so excited and supportive of me training. On race day, I hid in the bushes at the finish line to wait for her…and waited…and waited. Finally I got a text saying she was so proud I finished my first marathon! I didn’t have the heart to tell her I never actually ran it.
28. My coworker bragged about qualifying for the Boston Marathon. I was impressed until I found out her qualifying time was six hours. Then I realized the only marathon she could run fast enough to qualify for was a Netflix marathon.
29. I signed up to run a marathon but didn’t train because I assumed they would have buses to drive you the 26.2 miles. Boy was I wrong.
30. Getting in shape by running is like passing out flyers to lose weight.
31. I finally achieved my goal of running a marathon in under four hours. Of course, I was in a car for most of it.
32. My ever-enthusiastic running partner is the only person who can make a 5K feel like it’s 30 miles. Her motto is basically “Go big or go home!” Meanwhile, I’m always ready to go home after the first mile.
33. Running a marathon seems like a great idea when you’re sitting on the couch eating chips. Not so much when you’re on mile 15 regretting all your life decisions.
34. My wife asked me to start running daily for my health after my doctor recommended more exercise. But after 2 days, I quit. I told my wife, “Honey, running is just not for me. I think long walks are better suited for my lifestyle.” She shouted back from the other room, “I SAID DAILY, NOT DAISY!”
35. I recently found an old fitness journal from years ago when I was trying to get in shape. One entry said: “Ran 2 miles even though my body wanted to stop at 1.” I shook my head thinking, wow I can’t believe I used to run that much! These days my fitness journal just says “Ate a salad. Deserved a cookie.”
36. My coworker bragged he was going to run 50 miles for his 50th birthday. I jokingly asked if he trained enough for that distance. He said confidently, “Of course! I can run 50 no problem.” On his birthday, he called me after mile 10 nearly in tears, begging me to come pick him up.
37. I tried to get back into running but it felt impossible, so I made a vision board with pictures of fit, happy runners to inspire me. It didn’t work, so I replaced it with photos of pizza and kittens. Now I feel much more motivated.
38. My goal was to work up to running a 5k without walking. But now my goal is just to make it through this Netflix show without falling asleep.
39. Running would be a lot more entertaining if there were snack breaks every 10 minutes or so.
40. Person: “Did you run today?” Me: “No, I ate a bagel and took a nap. But it was a really aggressive nap.”
41. I’m sweating like I just ran a marathon. But really I was just speed-walking to the bathroom after too much coffee.
42. My running app told me I burned 300 calories on my last jog, so I figured a candy bar was a well-deserved reward. Gotta listen to those fitness trackers!
43. Running makes me so hungry that I usually burn off the calories from my last run by the end of my next meal.
44. I recently took up running to improve my health. But the only thing it’s improved is my ability to come up with excuses to skip running.
45. My running partner pushed me to do a tough hill workout. She said it would get me in the best shape ever. I’m starting to think she was just trying to avoid it herself.
46. I was feeling really sore after my long run yesterday, so I told my coworker I wouldn’t make it into work today because I could barely walk. She said, “Wow, good for you for getting out there and running!” Embarrassed, I then had to explain I was just sore from sitting on the couch binge watching Netflix.
47. My running gear is super high-tech and stylish…because obviously the cuter your workout clothes are, the harder you’ll work out! I’m just waiting for my motivation to kick in.
48. I wish running burned more calories per mile, that way I could justify eating anything I want after even just a short jog. A girl can dream!
49. Running is great preparation if you ever need to urgently escape a predator in the wild. So as I sit here on the couch, at least I can say I’m ready for that unlikely scenario.
50. My running partner: “Let’s do 5 more miles, woo!” Me: *Googling “How to get out of running without hurting her feelings”*
51. Running would be so much more fun if my motivation increased in proportion to the calories I wanted to burn.
52. My running app congratulated me on my fastest mile ever! Then I realized my phone was in my pocket the whole time while I was driving.
53. Runner: “I’m training for a marathon!”
Me: “Wow, good for you!”
*Goes home and eats a pint of ice cream as a reward for supporting my healthy friend*
