Physics Puns
1. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
2. A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies “No, I’m traveling light.”
3. Did you hear about the bartender who was arrested for serving alcohol after hours? He said it was a frame-up.
4. What do you call a bunch of physicists fighting over a solenoid? A coil scuffle.
5. Why was the physics book sad? It had too many problems.
6. I was going to tell a chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.
7. I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
8. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
9. Did you hear about the cyclone that hit the laundromat? It was a wash out.
10. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer once. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
11. I tried to look up impotence on my phone but there was no connectivity.
12. Parallel lines have so much in common but it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
13. My friend renamed her vacuum cleaner Dyson after the company. Now she just goes around saying she’s Dyson.
14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
15. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
16. What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Claustrophobic.
Physics One-Liners
17. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
18. I was going to tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I wouldn’t get a reaction.
19. Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.
20. Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
21. Hertz so good.
22. Never trust an atom. They make up everything!
23. I asked my physicist crush out on a date. They said they liked me as a friend plus some other vector.
24. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
25. A logician’s wife told him: “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.” So he came home with 12 loaves of bread.
26. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil.
27. Why do mathematicians hate the national anthem? Because it has a ratio they can’t simplify.
28. Did you hear about the statistician that drowned crossing a river? It was 3 feet deep on average.
29. How does a physicist curl her hair? She uses curling vectors.
30. I’d tell you a Fibonacci joke, but it’s probably as bad as the last two you’ve heard combined.
Best Physics Jokes
31. A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Give it here’, he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells “We got him!”
32. An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.
The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.
33. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to hammer a nail into a wall.
The engineer goes first. He pulls out a hammer and drives the nail in with one clean, measured stroke.
The physicist is next. She pulls out a hammer and calculator, measures the length, weight, and thickness of the nail, the density and hardness of the wood, and diligently makes some calculations. When her work is done she pulls back the hammer and gently taps the nail in with one precise blow.
Finally the mathematician picks up the hammer, swings with vigorous abandon, and manages to slam both thumb and finger while completely missing the nail. When he regains his composure, he stares at the wall for a moment. “A solution exists,” he finally proclaims, and walks out contentedly.
34. A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are sitting outside a café when two people walk inside. A few minutes later, three people walk out.
The biologist says, “They must have reproduced.”
The physicist says, “There must have been a measurement error.”
The mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the café will be empty again.”
35. A physicist and an engineer are sitting at a table drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.
The physicist sighs. “I’d like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There’ll always be some finite distance between us.”
The engineer gets up and starts walking. “Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes.”
36. What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.
37. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
38. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
39. Did you hear about the rejected physics paper? Apparently it had no potential.
40. My friend tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
41. I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did.
42. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
43. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
44. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
45. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
46. Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
47. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
48. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.
49. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
50. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
51. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
52. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
53. Broken pencils are pointless.
54. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
55. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
56. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
57. I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
58. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
59. What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.
60. My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
61. Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? Because they are two tired!
62. A proton and a neutron walk into a bar and order two drinks. The neutron asks the bartender how much and he replies “for you, no charge.”
63. What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
64. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.