I heard Iron Man is getting into the dairy business. He’s going to sell Stark White Milk.
Thor tried to start up a croissant business but he couldn’t get the dough to rise.
Hulk was angry when he couldn’t find his favorite pants. I guess you wouldn’t like him when he’s in some other pants.
Captain America’s shield got a big dent in it. He tried to hammer it out but it didn’t work. I guess his repair skills are not up to Stark.
Black Widow decided to become a spider researcher but she kept getting tangled up in her web of lies.
Hawkeye tried archery blindfolded but he missed the target completely. I guess you could say he didn’t see that coming.
When Loki fell ill with the flu, Thor said he was just faking it. Turns out it was just a Loki bug.
Nick Fury only wanted to hire spies with depth perception. He refused to hire any agents with just one eye on the prize.
Ant-Man tried to start an insect circus but could never get his actors to ant up.
Wong decided to open a magical pet store but all he sold were wongs.
Marvel One-Liners
I guess you could say Ultron was bad to the bone.
Vision felt transparent when people ignored him at parties.
The Hulk threw a tantrum when they ran out of his favorite purple pants.
Groot was arrested for loitering after hanging around the park for too long.
Star Lord got fired as an astronomer because he was always spaced out on the job.
Rocket Raccoon picked up a nasty habit of going through people’s trash.
Red Skull’s dating profile said he was into family, long walks on the beach, and world domination.
Wanda Maximoff wasn’t allowed to work at the movie theater after levitating customers to sneak them in.
Falcon trained his pet parrot Redwing to attack anyone who mocked his wings.
When Thor lost his hammer at the airport, security made him Fill Out a Missing Mjolnir report.
Best Marvel Jokes
Doctor Strange was getting frustrated that his spells weren’t working correctly. He decided to channel his inner sorcerer and take a wong turn at Albuquerque. This led him to Kamar-Taj where he met the Ancient One. She offered to teach him the mystical arts but Doctor Strange shrugged and said “Mister Doctor? I didn’t spend 8 years in evil medical school to be called mister, thank you very much.”
The Avengers were worried about the Hulk’s temper so they got him an anger management counselor. At their first session, the counselor said “Let’s start by talking about what makes you angry.” The Hulk grunted “Puny Banner always try to suppress Hulk. Then stupid Avengers not let Hulk smash things. Makes Hulk frustrated.” The counselor nodded and said “It seems you have some deep-seated anger that we need to work through. Together we’ll find healthier ways for you to express your feelings.” The Hulk shook his head and roared “HULK DOESN’T NEED THERAPY! HULK JUST NEEDS TO SMASH!” He then stormed out of the office, leaving the terrified counselor to reconsider his career choices.
Tony Stark decided to program JARVIS to tell jokes in order to lighten the mood around Stark Tower. After updating JARVIS’ comedy algorithm, Tony eagerly asked him to tell a joke. JARVIS responded in his robotic voice “Knock Knock”. Tony said “Who’s there?” JARVIS answered “Iron Man.” Tony laughed and said “Iron Man who?” JARVIS replied in a deadpan tone “Iron Man. I do not actually have a physical form with which to knock. This was an attempt at humor which seems to have failed. My apologies, sir.” Tony facepalmed and realized comedy might not be JARVIS’ strong suit.
Thor, Captain America and Iron Man decided to go camping together to bond as teammates. After setting up camp and gathering around the fire, Thor enthused “Let us tell might tales of our victories in battle, friends!” Cap nodded and began recounting his heroic actions during World War 2. Thor countered with exaggerated stories of vanquishing frost giants in Asgard. After they had finished, Iron Man yawned and said “Well guys, those stories were lame. Let me tell you about this one time at Stark Industries when I…” Thor and Cap groaned, realizing it was going to be a long night.
The Avengers were having a team meeting when suddenly Nick Fury burst in looking furious. “Alright, who took my eyepatch?!” The Avengers glanced around awkwardly at each other. Captain America spoke up first “Sir, I don’t think any of us would play a prank like that.” Nick slammed his fist on the table. “Well it didn’t just walk off by itself! I want my eyepatch back now or you’re all running laps for the next month.” At that moment, Goose the cat wandered into the room batting Nick’s eyepatch around happily in her mouth. The Avengers tried and failed to hold back their laughter as Nick Fury hissed “Hairball, drop it!”
Marvel Puns
Black Panther tried to start an organic garden in Wakanda but he couldn’t get anything to grow. I guess you could say he doesn’t have much of a green thumb.
Winter Soldier applied for a job shoveling snow but he was ghosted by the recruiter. I guess you could say he got the cold shoulder.
Wong decided to become a DJ and call himself Wonga Bonga. But his mixes were just so wong.
When Professor X lost his hairbrush, he used Cerebro to locate it. I guess you could say he has a bald tactic.
Mantis wanted to become a boxer but she didn’t even make it past the first round. I guess she just doesn’t have the punch for it.
Howard the Duck tried stand up comedy but could never get his punchlines to land. I guess his act was just fowl.
Doctor Doom tripped and fell right before a big meeting. I guess you could say he made quite the doomfall entrance.
Silver Surfer applied to be an astronaut but NASA turned him down due to lack of proper certification. I guess you could say he didn’t have the right space credentials.
Squirrel Girl tried to join the police force but she was told she was just too nuts for the job.
When Juggernaut got the flu, he just couldn’t stop sneezing. It turns out nothing can stop the un-sneezable Juggernaut.
Marvel One-Liners
Mystique tried to impersonate Nick Fury but was quickly found out without his signature eyepatch.
Wolverine always hogged the campfire and wouldn’t share the roasted marshmallows.
Deadpool kept hitting on Death but she just ghosted him.
Venom was embarrassed when his stomach loudly growled during a stakeout.
Magneto once got food poisoning and bent all the silverware out of shape.
Green Goblin flew too close to a flock of birds and got bombed by their droppings.
Black Cat tried to rob a fish market but tuna out it was a red herring.
Doctor Octopus got stressed while trying to multitask on eight different projects.
When Kang the Conqueror time traveled to ancient Rome, he got stuck in traffic on the Via Appia Antica.
Thanos collected all the stones but could never get a date.
Best Marvel Jokes
The Avengers were shocked when Loki actually turned over a new leaf and became a model citizen. He started volunteering at animal shelters, donating to charity, and helping little old ladies cross the street. Thor was suspicious of his brother’s overnight change of heart. “Loki, what are you scheming? I know you must have some evil plan behind this charade.” Loki put his hand over his heart looking offended. “Brother, I am hurt. Can’t you accept that I have truly seen the error of my ways?” Thor crossed his massive arms skepticially. At that moment, Captain America walked up and slapped Loki on the back. “Good to see you turning things around, Loki. Maybe you can join the Avengers someday.” Loki grinned devilishly. “Yes…join the Avengers…” Thor’s eyes widened in realization. “No! Loki, you must not betray us again!” But it was too late. Cackling, Loki ripped off his disguise revealing himself to be…Mysterio! The master of illusion had fooled them all as part of his latest nefarious scheme.
Spiderman was shocked when he showed up to fight Doc Ock and found the villain sitting dejectedly amidst the ruins of a bombed out laboratory. “What happened here, Doc?” asked Spiderman. “I was this close to developing my atomic super spider formula!” wailed Doc Ock. “But that idiot, Mysterio, thought it was funny to sneak in disguised as a pizza delivery guy and blow up my lab!” Spiderman tried not to laugh. “Gee Doc, that sounds…devastating. But look on the bright side, at least you aren’t in jail?” Doc Ock suddenly perked up. “You’re right! I may have lost my lab but I still have my freedom. Now quickly, to the Doc Ock Mobile! We have banks to rob and chaos to cause!” Spiderman groaned, realizing he should have kept his mouth shut.
The Avengers defeated Galactus by inviting him to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Thor called out “Come devour this luscious all-you-can-eat buffet, O mighty Galactus!” Galactus descended from the sky, licking his lips hungrily. As he gorged himself on mashed potatoes, pizza, chicken wings, and endless baked goods, the overfed Galactus ended up with a nasty stomach ache that sent him waddling back to space in discomfort. As Galactus groaned “Oooooh why did I eat that last plate of nachos?” Tony quipped “I guess we really filled him up. Now that’s what I call a full-actus performance.” The Avengers chuckled and congratulated each other on defeating Galactus without throwing a single punch.
The Avengers were training new recruits when Captain America noticed Spider-Man fumbling with a complicated piece of tech. “Here, let me help you with that,” offered Cap, taking the device. But Spiderman shook his head and replied “No thanks, I don’t really need a Cap-tain Obvious.” Nearby, Black Widow overheard their conversation and chimed in “Yeah Cap, no need to Man-splain everything.” Cap frowned in confusion until Iron Man flew over and slapped him on the back. “Don’t listen to these two, they’re just messing with you. You were only trying to Stark the truth.” The three heroes burst out laughing at their corny jokes while Cap just rolled his eyes and accepted his role as the straight man.
Thor and Loki decided to head down to New York City for a night out on the town. As they strolled the busy streets, Loki muttered “These pathetic mortals don’t even realize gods walk among them.” Thor just smiled and waved at passersby saying “Come brother, let us enjoy this fine city!” They decided to get hot dogs from a street cart for dinner. Thor took a big juicy bite and sighed “Mmm! Another!” Loki nibbled his cautiously. “Blech! Does mortal food always taste this bad?” After dinner, they passed a theater advertising aproduction of Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Thor’s eyes lit up “Ah, Midgard’s finest theater! We must see this show!” Loki reluctantly agreed. As they took their seats, Loki complained “I don’t see why mortals made a play about deli meat…” By the end, a touched Thor wiped away tears while a bored Loki fell asleep. On the subway ride back, Thor raved “Wasn’t that moving, brother?” while Loki snarked “I liked it better when Shakespeare wrote Loki & Thor.” In the end, the two brothers enjoyed a memorable night experiencing Midgard culture, even if they clashed on the details.
