Horse Puns
1. I tried to impress a girl by riding up on a horse, but she galloped away.
2. I entered my horse in a race, but it turns out he’s more of a party animal.
3. My friend bet me I couldn’t make a joke about horses. Jokes on him, I bridled at the challenge.
4. Did you hear about the horse who walked into a bar? The bartender said “Why the long face?”
5. I wanted to name my horse Mayo, but that would have been too corny.
6. My horse likes to stop and smell the roses. He’s very floral.
7. I tried to get my horse an acting job, but he kept missing his cues.
8. Someone stole my saddle last night. I guess the thief is in stir-rups now.
9. I took my horse to the doctor because he wasn’t feeling himself. Turns out it was just a bit of neigh-saying.
10. My horse reads the newspaper every morning. He’s very well-red.
11. I bought my horse some new shoes, but he’s having trouble breaking them in. The cobbler warned me about the brake-in period.
12. My horse loves listening to music. His favorite band is the Black Stallions.
13. What did the horse say when it fell? “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
14. A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “You’re in here pretty often. I think you might be an alcoholic.” The horse replies, “I don’t think I am…” and then disappears. See, it was just a fig-mare of his imagination.
15. Did you hear about the claustrophobic horse? He was a little hoarse.
16. When I told my horse a joke, he said “Neigh.”
17. What do you call a nervous horse? A little hoarse.
18. Why did the horse wear a bell around its neck? Because its owner wanted to know when it was coming.
Horse One-Liners
19. I took my horse to a psychic fair. He kept telling everyone “I see hay in your future.”
20. They call me the horse whisperer because I mumble a lot around horses.
21. I tried to teach my horse yoga but he kept saying neigh.
22. My horse loves taking selfies. You could say he’s photogenic.
23. My horseidentifies as a bicycle. He’s trans-portation.
24. Riding a horse is stirrupringly fun.
25. My horse got an excellent education at Hoofvard.
26. I caught my horse stealing carrots from the fridge. He’s a maneater.
27. My horse loves techno music. He’s really into Electro-neigh.
28. My horse did terribly on his math test. He has trouble with his mane fractions.
29. I wanted to watch Black Beauty but my horse kept neigh-ing over the TV.
30. My horse keeps beating me at chess. You could say he’s a grand master.
31. My horse thinks he’s a comedian. His jokes always get the most bridle reactions.
32. I wanted to make horsefly pie but couldn’t catch any horseflies.
33. After a tiring race, my horse just wanted to horse around.
34. My horse loves eating spaghetti. He’s an Italian stallion.
35. When my horse talks, he sounds a little hoarse.
36. I brought my horse to the renaissance fair dressed as a knight. He was ready to trot into battle.
Best Horse Jokes
37. A cowboy rode into town on Friday, stayed for three days, and rode out again on Friday. How did he do it? His horse’s name was Friday.
38. What did the horse say when it fell down? “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
39. A jockey was riding the favorite horse at a race. Halfway around the track, the horse stopped and refused to budge. “What’s the matter?” The jockey asked. The horse replied, “I can’t go on like this anymore – I’m a horse!”
40. A cowboy buys a horse from a pastor. The pastor explains, “to make the horse go, you gotta yell ‘Thank God!’ And to make it stop, yell ‘Hallelujah.'” The cowboy rides off, and rides all day yelling, “Thank God! Thank God!” Finally he comes to a cliff and wants to stop but forgets how. In a panic he yells “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!” The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. “Whew!” said the cowboy. “Thank God!”
41. A woman from the city decides to go horseback riding. Although she’s never had any experience with horses, she finds one for sale that’s calm and easy to ride for a beginner like herself. She buys the horse, and on her first day of riding, she slowly mounts the saddle and says “Giddy-up!” in a soft voice. The horse doesn’t budge. She tries again, repeating herself more firmly this time. “Giddy-up!” The horse remains still. Getting frustrated, she says louder “Giddy-up, dammit!” The horse takes off like a bolt of lightning, and she falls right off the back of the saddle, landing with a loud thud. Remounting, she realizes her mistake and says gently “Excuse me – giddy-up please?” The horse starts to gallop at a nice easy pace. Her lesson learned, she makes a mental note: Don’t cuss and saddle.
42. A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse, unable to comprehend human language, shits on the floor and leaves.
43. What do you call a famous horse? A celebri-neigh!
44. Did you hear about the horse who was an amazing comedian? I heard he was really good at stand-up.
45. What do you get if you cross a horse with a pack of gum? The Lone Ranger!
46. Two horses are hanging out at the stable chatting about their riders. One horse says “My rider is always in such a hurry to get places, she’s always yelling ‘giddy up, giddy up!'” The other horse nods and says “I know what you mean, my rider is always prodding me and yelling ‘hurry up, hurry up!'” The first horse looks confused and replies “What’s a hurry up?”
47. Why are horses like chips? Because you just can’t ride one!
48. Did you hear about the famous race horse that switched careers to become an actor? It turns out he was outstanding in his field.
49. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.
50. I tried to explain puns about horses to my friend, but they just didn’t want to listen. I guess you can lead a horse to word play but you can’t make him pun.
51. Did you hear about the horse who entered the race and won? Jockey believed it.
52. What do you call a horse who lives next door? A neigh-bor!
53. Why don’t horses like playing cards in the stable? It’s too neigh- crowed.
54. A man bought a horse at an auction. The horse wouldn’t move so he whipped it. The horse still wouldn’t budge so he whipped it again. The auctioneer walked over and said “Mister, you’ll have to pay for it first.”
55. What do you call a horse that lives beside a lake? Lakefront Property.
56. Two horses are standing at the bar drinking beers. One horse turns to the other and says “I don’t usually talk about my dreams, but I had a crazy one last night where I thought I was being chased by an enormous monster cheeseburger.” The other horse responds “That’s hilarious! I had a crazy dream last night too – I dreamed I was a world famous showjumper!” The first horse says “Why would that be crazy?” The second horse replies “Because I’m not a very gouda jumper.”
57. Why do horses make terrible dancers? They have two left feet!
58. What do you call a horse that can’t lose weight? A hus-tler.
59. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish!
60. What’s the difference between a horse and the weather? One is reined up and the other rains down.
61. Did you hear about the horse who got promoted at work? She really earned her reigns.
62. What does a horse doctor do? Hoof surgery!
63. Why don’t elephants ride horses? They don’t have a thumb to grip the reigns!
64. What do you call a horse wearing Vans shoes? A pony.
65. My horse broke up with his marefriend because she kept nagging him.
66. What do you call it when your iPhone auto-corrects “horse” to “house”? A common stable error.
67. Why don’t Eggs tell horse jokes? They’d crack each other up!
68. Why was the horse so sad? It had a long face.
69. What do you call a horse that lives in a mansion? Stable Genius.
