Harry Potter Puns
1. I wanted to dress up like a Hogwarts student for Halloween, but I couldn’t find my Hogwarts robet.
2. The Weasley twins walk into a bar and order two butterbeers. The bartender asks, “Are you sure you’re old enough to drink?” One twin replies, “Yeah, we’re of wizarding age!”
3. Did you hear about the new MIT class on Harry Potter spells? It’s called Incantations 101.
4. What do you call a depressed wizard? Sirius Black.
5. Why was Harry Potter bad at potions class? He kept mixing up his potion ingredients.
6. What do you call a gathering of Hogwarts professors? A staff meeting!
7. Why was Ron chosen as Gryffindor prefect? He was always keen to Gryffindor more house points.
8. How does a Hogwarts student party? They go on a Hogsmeade crawl.
9. I wanted to buy a Nimbus 2000 broomstick but they were too expensive. I guess I’ll have to sweep up the money somehow.
10. Why couldn’t Harry see the hippogriff? It was Buckbeak.
11. I wanted to go to the Yule Ball with Cho Chang but she said no. I guess I’ll just have to Cho another partner.
12. What’s a Death Eater’s favorite dessert? Dark Marks bars!
Harry Potter One-Liners
13. The Sorting Hat is the original personality test.
14. Voldemort would be great on Shark Tank – he knows how to pitch a business idea.
15. Dumbledore has really let himself go after retiring from Hogwarts.
16. Snape is proof that being friendzoned can turn you to the dark side.
17. Luna Lovegood is just a Harry Potter hippie.
18. Hagrid loves magical creatures because no human can handle his cooking.
19. Dobby started the tiny clothes trend before it was cool.
20. Draco Malfoy pioneered the comb over hair style.
21. Voldemort would love Twitter – it’s full of followers.
22. The Invisibility Cloak is the original Peeping Tom tool.
23. Dumbledore knows how to make an entrance…and an exit.
Best Harry Potter Jokes
24. Harry, Ron, and Hermione decided to form a band called The Death Eaters. They only know one song, but it kills!
25. What do you call a Hogwarts student who skips class? A truant-a-saurus rex!
26. Why does Voldemort keep losing to Harry? Because Harry has more Horcruxes – his friends!
27. Snape’s first name is Severus because his parents knew he’d have a severe personality.
28. Hagrid couldn’t find love because girls only like guys who are romantic and have a little mystery. Hagrid was just too open…and too big!
29. Voldemort, tired of being defeated by Harry, decides to get plastic surgery to change his appearance. But the surgery fails – he’s still ugly because some things magic can’t fix!
30. Draco Malfoy walks into a bar and orders a Firewhisky. The bartender says, “Sorry, but you have to be this tall to drink.”
31. Why does Ron dislike Crookshanks so much? Because Hermione pays more attention to her cat than to Ron!
32. Voldemort is outraged when he finds out Slavic wizards have been calling him “flight from death” behind his back. “It’s flee from death!” he shouts. “Flee!”
33. Snape walks into a barbershop and asks for the Alan Rickman look. The barber takes one look at his greasy hair and says “I don’t do miracles mate.”
34. Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter over other social media? Because he likes only having 140 characters!
35. Draco Malfoy starts a heavy metal band called The Purebloods. Their hit song is called “Mudbloods Go Home.”
36. Hagrid tries online dating but only gets matches from giantesses. He realizes he has a type.
37. Voldemort undergoes plastic surgery to fix his nose. The doctors do an amazing job but he’s still ugly because he has no nose bridge – just slits!
38. Snape teaches potions but all the students fall asleep because his voice is so monotonous. “Turn to page 394,” Snape drones on.
39. Why does Malfoy slick his hair back? He’s trying really hard to distract from his weak chin inherited from the inbreeding of pureblood wizards.
40. Voldemort keeps a diary but it’s full of depressing entries like “Got beat by Harry again today” and “Don’t know why I’m even trying anymore.”
41. Hagrid tries to join eHarmony but gets denied because he lists his height as 11’6″. Technical glitch, he claims.
42. Snape calls in sick to teach potions class. Dumbledore gets a substitute with good hygiene and a pleasant attitude. The students love the class for once!
43. Voldemort decides to go to therapy to work through his obsession with killing Harry Potter. After months of sessions, he realizes he just needs a hobby.
44. Draco Malfoy starts a punk band called The Death Eaters. Their biggest hit is called “Down with Muggles.”
45. Why does Hagrid have a big beard? To hide his double chin which he’s really self-conscious about.
46. Snape gets banned from Tinder for including “Legilimens skills” under special talents. The women assumed he was just bad at spelling.
47. Voldemort tries to kill Harry by rigging a Quidditch match. But his plans are foiled when Harry catches the snitch in record time.
48. Draco Malfoy starts his own hair gel line called Slytherin Style. All the products contain snake venom for that extra hold!
49. Hagrid joins JDate to find a nice giantess. He has to bend the truth a bit on the height question.
50. Why does Voldemort keep a pet snake? Because he can’t find a girlfriend and snakes just get him in a way that humans don’t.
51. Snape tries to poison Harry’s pumpkin juice but accidentally grabs Ron’s cup. Ron is on the toilet for days!
52. Draco Malfoy starts selling Slytherin merchandise on Etsy. Who knew snake motifs and the Dark Mark could be so stylish?
53. Hagrid won’t use self-checkout lanes at the grocery store because the machines can’t handle items over 10 pounds.