Guitar Puns (17)
1. What do you call a guitarist who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless.
2. Why was the guitar teacher so angry? He was fretting over his students’ lack of practice.
3. Did you hear about the guitarist who fell into his amplifier? He was in a state of shock!
4. Why do guitarists make great spies? They’re very good at fretwork.
5. What did the guitarist say when he lost his pick? “This is a great plectrum!
6. How does a lead guitarist screw in a lightbulb? He just holds it up and the world revolves around him.
7. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A guitarist.
8. Did you hear about the guitar store that got robbed? The thieves made a clean sweep.
9. Why do bass players get up on stage first? To turn on the guitarist’s amp for him.
10. How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change it and four to say they could do it better.
11. What’s the first thing a guitarist says at band practice? “Sorry I’m late, guys.”
12. How can you tell when a guitarist is at the front door? The knocking speeds up.
13. How do you get a guitar player to turn down? Put a chart in front of him.
14. How do you make a guitarist slow down? Put sheet music in front of him.
15. Did you hear about the guitarists who were rivals? They kept trying to out fret each other.
16. Why do guitarists make bad cops? They’re always fretting over cases.
17. What did the guitarist say to the band? “Let’s start at the top and end on the off-beat.”
Guitar One-Liners (17)
18. I broke a G string while fingering A minor.
19. What do you call a guitarist who has lost his girlfriend? Homeless.
20. How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amp? Write “turn down” on it.
21. What’s the range of a 28 year old guitarist? 20 yards if you have a taser.
22. How do you know when the lead guitarist has stage fright? He’s standing in the back with the rhythm guitarist.
23. A guitarist walks up to a girl at a bar and says “Wanna hear Wonderwall?” She says “I’d rather put a fork in my eye.”
24. What’s the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist? Terrorists have sympathizers.
25. How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10. 1 to do it and 9 to stand around and say “I could do that better.”
26. What’s the hardest part about learning to play the guitar? Telling your parents that you’re gay.
27. How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him some sheet music.
28. What does a stripper do when she gets pregnant? She has a baby and goes back to work.
29. How do you make a guitarist’s car more aerodynamic? Take the Domino’s Pizza sign off the roof.
30. What’s the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
31. How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just steal someone else’s light.
32. What’s the best thing about guitar players? They look good on milk cartons.
33. How do you make a lead guitarist turn down their volume? Write ‘turn down’ on their amp.
34. How can you tell when a guitar player is at your front door? The knocking speeds up.
Best Guitar Jokes (53)
35. A guitarist was walking down the street carrying his electric guitar in its case. His friend rode up on his bike and asked, “Hey man, why are you carrying your guitar around?”
The guitarist replied, “I just got a gig playing at a wedding reception this weekend.”
His friend said, “That’s awesome! But aren’t you worried about leaving that expensive guitar on a stand while you play? Someone could steal it.”
The guitarist just laughed. “Nah, I’m not worried. No one’s going to be paying any attention to the music at a wedding. The guitar will be just fine.”
36. A lead guitarist, rhythm guitarist and bassist were walking down the street when they spotted a beautiful, glittering ring on the sidewalk. The lead guitarist picked it up and said “Wow, this obviously has immense value, look how it sparkles in the sun! I bet we could get a fortune for it if we sold it.”
The bassist said “Now wait a minute, there’s an engraving here – this is obviously a wedding ring, someone must be distraught after losing something with such sentimental value. We should take out an ad in the local paper so it can be returned.”
The rhythm guitarist spoke up “I was thinking…” But the other two said “Shut up, rhythm guitarist!”
37. How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one – he holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
38. A guitarist was auditioning for a new band. After shredding through some fast solos and showing off his skills, the band leader said “Well you’re an amazing player, but we’re looking for someone a little more laid back. Do you know any jazz?”
The guitarist scoffed and said “Jazz? That’s for old guys and students! I only play REAL music, like metal!”
The band leader replied “Okay, well thanks for coming in. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”
39. A guitarist walked into a bar and yelled “Free beer for anyone who can play a G7#9 chord!” The bartender quickly escorted him out.
40. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A guitarist.
41. How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Five:
One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how much better they would have done it.
42. After years of being constantly heckled with requests to play “Freebird,” the guitarist finally caved and started playing the opening riff at his next show. As the riff became recognizable, he saw lighters raising in the air as the crowd started cheering. But the cheering quickly turned to boos once they realized he was playing “Stairway To Heaven” instead.
43. A guitarist walked up to the counter at the music store and said “I’d like to buy that red guitar in the window and those effects pedals.”
The salesman rang up the total and told him, “That’ll be $2000.”
The guitarist replied, “2000? I’m just window shopping.”
44. How do you know when there’s a guitarist at your front door? The knocking gets faster and faster.
45. What did the guitarist name his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
46. A country singer walked into a Nashville guitar shop and asked the owner “Hey man, how much for that shiny acoustic guitar in the corner?”
The owner said “Well, that guitar has a neat history. It belonged to Johnny Cash and he used it to write ‘Folsom Prison Blues’. I’ll take $10,000 for it.”
The singer replied “Oh wow, that’s amazing! If I buy it do you think I could write a hit song too?”
The owner said “Absolutely! 100% guaranteed you’ll write a number one hit song on this guitar!”
“Great!” said the singer. “Do you take trade-ins?”
47. Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the guitarist.
48. How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. One to change the bulb, and nineteen to stand around and say they could have done it better.
49. What’s the first thing a guitarist says at rehearsal?
“Sorry I’m late, guys.”
50. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering A minor.
51. How do you know if the stage is level?
The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
52. How is playing a guitar like peeing in your bed?
They both give you a nice warm feeling until you realize you’re just making a huge mess.
53. Why do guitarists make bad valets?
Because whenever they park a car, they steal something out of it.
54. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just steal somebody else’s light.
55. Did you hear about the guitar player who was arrested? He was fingered at the scene of the crime.
56. Why do guitarists make bad doctors?
Because whenever they make a mistake, they just keep playing over it.
57. What’s the least used sentence in the English language?
“Isn’t that the guitarist’s new Porsche?”
58. How do you get a lead guitarist off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
59. Did you hear about the guitarist who got accepted to medical school?
Neither did anyone else.
60. Why do bands have rhythm guitarists?
So they have someone to talk to while the lead guitarist is tuning up.
61. How do you know when a rhythm guitarist is at your front door?
The knocking speeds up and he’s playing all the right chords.
62. What’s the difference between a lead guitarist and a coffin?
People care when a coffin gets dropped.
63. How do you get a guitar player to turn down their amp?
Write “turn down” on the volume knob.
64. Why don’t guitarists get mad when you make fun of them?
They don’t have any rhythm or timing.
65. How do you make a guitar solo last forever?
Loop it.
66. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?
So they can park in the handicapped spot.
67. Why was the little guitarist sad?
He had a fretful day at school.
68. Why don’t guitarists make good coffee?
They keep dropping solos into it.
69. How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change it and two to stand around going “I could’ve done that way better”.
70. Why do guitarists make bad teachers?
Because they keep fingering the minors.
71. Did you hear about the guitarists who started their own business?
They called it Shred and Breakfast.
72. Why do guitarists make bad financial advisors?
They’re always picking stocks.
73. Did you hear about the guitarists who robbed the grocery store?
The police are on the lookout for some pickled frets.
74. Why do guitarists make bad construction workers?
They just steal riffs from other people.
75. What’s the difference between a guitarist and a savings bond?
One will mature and make money.
76. How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to say they could have done it better.
77. What do you call someone who keeps hanging around musicians?
A guitarist.
78. How do you get a lead guitarist to turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.
79. How can you tell when there’s a guitarist at your door?
The knocking gets faster and faster.
80. Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the guitarist.
81. Why do guitarists put drumsticks on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped spots.
82. How do you get a guitar player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
83. How do you know if a stage is level?
The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
84. What’s the difference between a lead guitarist and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
85. Why do guitarists make bad cops?
They’re always fingering minors.
86. How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and four to stand around going “I could’ve done that better”.
87. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him some sheet music.
88. How do you make a guitar player slow down?
Put a sheet of music in front of him.
89. Why don’t guitarists get mad when you make fun of them?
They have no sense of rhythm or timing.