Golf Puns
1. I went to the driving range to work on my golf swing. It was tee-riffic!
2. My friend was bragging that he could drive the ball 400 yards. I told him to stop with the fore play.
3. I entered a contest for the worst golf pun. I was hoping to win by a long putt.
4. Did you hear about the golfer who choked and missed the shot? He had a par attack.
5. Why are golf balls so small? Because golfers hate missing the balls.
6. The golfer had to give up the game because of his elbow injury. He had a bad club.
7. I’m thinking of taking up pole vaulting. My golf game has a lot of ups and downs.
8. Did you hear about the bachelor party where they played a prank on the groom and kidnapped him right before the wedding? It was a bridal shower.
9. Why was the golfer looking around in his bag? He lost his driver and was hunting for it.
10. Did you hear about the golfer who scored a hole in one, but didn’t remember how he did it? It was a birdie blackout.
11. Why does President Biden have trouble playing golf? He’s always ending up in the left rough.
12. Why are spiders good at miniature golf? They know how to spin a good web.
13. Why was Cinderella kicked off the golf course? She kept taking too many Mulligans.
14. Did you hear about the fight that broke out on the golf course? Two guys got into a clubbing match.
15. I bought a new driver to improve my golf game. Now everyone calls me Uber.
16. Why are golf balls white? So men can find them in the deep rough.
17. How do you measure a golfer’s calorie burn? In Strokes-per-round.
18. Did you hear about the actor that was banned from golf for cheating? He was caught improving his lie.
19. Who invented miniature golf? Runt Hogan.
20. Did you hear about the golfer who peed on her club to help her swing? It was a number 1 iron.
Golf One-Liners
21. Golf is a game where the ball lies poorly and the golfer well.
22. Golf is like marriage. If you take it seriously, it won’t work.
23. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
24. Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I’ve played the game for 40 years and I still haven’t the slightest idea how to play.
25. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
26. They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
27. If your best shots go left and your worst shots go right, you’re either standing too close to the ball or not wearing your glasses.
28. My golf clubs look like an accordion on a ski pole.
29. Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
30. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf.
31. Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
32. If you drink, don’t drive. Don’t even putt.
33. They say golf is like life, but that’s not true. Golf is simpler.
34. Golf is deceptively simple and endlessly complicated.
35. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.
36. I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
37. My swing is so bad I look like a girl throwing a javelin.
38. I’m hitting the woods just great; but, I’m having a terrible time getting out of them!
Best Golf Jokes
39. One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked the first man, “Why are you eating grass?”
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass to stay alive.”
“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied. Turning to the second poor man he stated, “You may come with us, also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all!” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.”
“Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!”
40. A rabbi, a priest and a pastor got together for a round of golf. After the round, while relaxing at the 19th hole, they began bragging about how many people from their respective congregations each had converted to their respective religion.
The rabbi explained that each year around Passover and Yom Kippur he gave an appeal from the pulpit encouraging non-members to join his synagogue and that the response was very positive.
On average he claimed to bring in about 60 new members per year into his congregation.
The pastor claimed that around Easter and Christmas each year his appeal from the pulpit also resulted in about 60 new members joining his church each year.
The priest remained silent.
Finally the priest stated, “I’ve got you both beat. Every spring during Lent, on Good Friday, and on New Year’s eve I appeal from the pulpit for people to come join my church.”
“And do you know how many join my church each year on average?”
The rabbi and pastor looked at each other in amazement. The priest continued – “Last year alone on those three occasions, I brought in a total of 364 new members into my church!”
The rabbi looked disgusted and said, “364? How do you do that?”
The priest replied, “It’s simple really. I have a big service over Easter for all my regulars and right at the end when I make my appeal I say to the congregation – ‘Will all of you who were members of another church please stand up?’ – and they ALL stand!”
41. One day a woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’
“Twenty-six,” he said.
42. The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.
“Your Holiness,” said one of his cardinals, “Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”
The Pope thought it was a good idea but had never held a golf club in his hand.
“Don’t we have a cardinal to represent me?” asked the Pope.
The cardinal said, “No one who plays golf well enough.”
“But what about Jack Nicklaus? He’s a golfer,” said the Pope.
“He’s an American,” replied the cardinal.
“What about Arnold Palmer? He’s a Catholic,” said the Pope.
“He’s too old and retired,” said the cardinal.
Finally, they determined that Tiger Woods was the best Catholic golfer with the chance of beating Benjamin Netanyahu.
The Pope called Tiger and gave him the offer. Tiger was honored and said he would do it.
On the day of the match, Netanyahu arrived at the Vatican for the golf game. Tiger met him at the gate wearing his Sunday best – a cardinal’s robe. Netanyahu looked puzzled.
Tiger told him he was ready for their game but knew dress codes were very important at the Vatican. Netanyahu wasn’t going to be out-dressed by Tiger and changed to his own cardinal’s robe.
After 9 holes, with Netanyahu leading the match, he and Tiger saw the Pope approaching the course in his golf cart.
Netanyahu and Tiger went to the Pope and knelt in reverence. Netanyahu said to him, “I will step aside because I didn’t know we would be playing for you.”
The Pope said, “No, no. Keep playing. You guys decide who is the sportsmanship winner of the match and I’ll play the winner for the championship.”
Tiger said, “No, Your Holiness, I stepped aside because of my faith, and so I cannot compete against you.”
So the Pope played Netanyahu himself for the title. After 9 more holes the Pope was leading Netanyahu by 3 strokes.
At that point, Netanyahu caught a glimpse of one of the cardinals’ robes under a tree. He ran to see who was under it!
When he lifted the robe, Tiger Woods said, “Shhhhhh! I don’t want the Pope to know I’m here!”
43. A man walked into his doctor’s office complaining that he thinks he might have a golf ball stuck up his butt.
The doctor examined him and said, “I don’t feel anything. Are you sure?”
The man replied, “Well it’s not my golf ball.”
44. A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said, “No sweetie.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”
45. A husband and wife were on the 9th green when suddenly she collapsed from a heart attack!
“Help me dear,” she groaned to her husband.
The husband called 911 on his cell phone, talked for a few minutes, picked up his putter and lined up his putt.
His wife raised her head off the green and stared at him.
“I’m dying here and you’re putting?”
“Don’t worry dear,” said the husband calmly, “they found a doctor on the second hole and he’s coming to help you.”
“Well how long will it take for him to get here?” she asked feebly.
“No time at all,” said her husband. “Everybody else agreed to let him play through.”
46. An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’
His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’
The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.’
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’
The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides.
47. An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively.
‘I would like it infrequently’ she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered,
‘Is that one word or two?’
48. An elderly husband and wife noticed they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid they might soon forget each other, so they decided to see their doctor to see if anything could be done.
The doctor suggested they write notes to each other so they wouldn’t forget things. The elderly couple thought this was a great idea.
When they arrived home, the husband said, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And write that down so you won’t forget?”
“I won’t forget,” said his wife.
“Well,” said the husband, “I’d also like some strawberries on top. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“I will not forget the strawberries,” said the wife.
“You also better write down that I want whipped cream on top!” insisted the husband. “I know you’ll forget that. Now be sure to write it down.”
The wife said, “I won’t forget the whipped cream!”
She went into the kitchen then came back and handed her husband a plate full of bacon and eggs.
He stared at the plate for a moment and said, “Honey, you forgot my toast!”
49. An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
The 80-year-old said, ”Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. ”I have an older friend, much like