Curtains Puns
1. I was feeling drafty so I installed some new curtains. You could say I got a little window treatment.
2. My friend bought some floral print curtains. I told him they look a little sheers.
3. I heard about a guy who got injured installing curtains. The police are currently blindsiding him with questions.
4. I bought my kid some alphabet print curtains. You could say he got his ABCs covered.
5. Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for stealing curtains? Looks like he got caught red drapes.
6. I was thinking of redecorating with some new curtains. But I realized I didn’t have the valance for that right now.
7. I hung up some soundproof curtains to keep the noise out. You could say I insulated myself from external distractions.
8. My curtains kept falling down so I reinforced them with some copper wiring. I guess you could say I conducted some curtain repairs.
9. I entered my cat in a curtain climbing competition. Turns out she is pretty good at drapery scaling.
10. Did you hear about the angry curtains? They were pretty shady characters.
11. I installed a curtain rod but it was a little off. I guess you could say it wasn’t properly aligned.
12. Did you hear about the guy who got hit by a box of curtains? It was a window treatment injury.
13. I bought my curtains from Ikea but they keep falling down. Next time I’ll use better window hanging hardware.
14. My friend keeps stealing my curtains. I guess I need to keep a closer eye on that shady draper.
15. I entered a curtain making competition but didn’t have enough fabric. I guess I didn’t measure up.
16. Did you hear about the burglar who got caught hiding behind the curtains? He was easily detained.
17. I accidentally ripped my new curtains while vacuuming. I guess you could say I made a clean sweep of them.
18. My curtains faded from the sun so I tried to dye them. Turns out these drapes don’t take color well.
Curtains One-Liners
19. These curtains are so ugly even the window is planning to jump.
20. My curtains are so dirty I can barely see outside…time to let some light in.
21. Don’t mind me, I’m just curtain off the outside world.
22. My curtains looked better on the store mannequin.
23. These curtains are perfect…if you want the whole neighborhood to see inside.
24. I knew I should have waited for the curtain sale.
25. My cat shreds any curtains I buy. Such an annoying little drape wrecker.
26. I love my blackout curtains…who needs sunlight anyway?
27. Welcome to my home, don’t mind the ’70s curtains, I’m trying to bring them back.
28. These lace curtains really add a nice touch…if you like watching dust collect.
29. Nothing like some musty old curtains to really freshen up a room.
30. Make sure you draw the curtains when you leave, don’t want to scare the neighbors.
31. You call these curtains? I’ve seen better material at a car wash.
32. I see you’ve noticed my lovely curtains…aren’t they just drape-tastic?
33. These curtains let in so much light my furniture is starting to fade.
34. My cat loves to climb the curtains…she thinks she’s a drape artist.
35. I love waking up to the sun blaring through my thin curtains…said no one ever.
36. I made my curtains out of old tablecloths, chic right?
Best Curtains Jokes
37. I was trying to hang up some new curtains but they kept falling down. After the third attempt, I yelled “That’s it, I’m drawing the drapes on this project!”
38. My neighbor knocked on my door the other day and said, “Your living room curtains are hideous, please get some new ones!” So I closed the drapes on her.
39. I accidentally shredded my wife’s beloved lace curtains while vacuuming last week. She screamed at me “What were you thinking?!” I said “I was just trying to make a clean sweep.” Needless to say, the dog house doesn’t have great curtains.
40. I bought these expensive noise blocking curtains but they don’t seem to be working. I can still hear the neighbors yelling “Hey those ugly drapes aren’t fooling anyone!”
41. I’m thinking of replacing my curtains with vertical blinds. That way I can pretend I live in a classy office building instead of this sad little apartment.
42. Our cheap rental curtains are so thin, you can see right through them. My wife joked “On the plus side, if someone tries to break in at least they’ll see we have nothing worth stealing!”
43. I saw my neighbor painting his living room and asked what color he chose for the curtains. He said “Don’t worry about it, my wife picked out some lovely drapes of wrath.”
44. Yesterday my cat was playing on the curtains and they collapsed right as my mother-in-law walked in. She gasped “Well I never!” I replied “Don’t worry you will eventually once these drapes are washed.”
45. I installed blackout curtains in my bedroom but now I sleep through my alarm and am late for work. My boss said if it happens again I’ll be curtains for my job.
46. My wife is trying to pick new curtains but isn’t sure what would go well with our sectional sofa. I said “Honey, whatever you choose will be drape!” She did not find that as funny as I did.
47. Our new neighbor introduced herself and said “You need to get some curtains, especially for the bedroom, we can see everything at night!” I awkwardly replied “Uh..we will look into blinds.”
48. I love waking up to the sun shining right on my face through these paper thin curtains. It’s like my own personal solar flare alarm clock!
49. I’m thinking of using my curtains to make some rags. That way they can finally contribute instead of just hanging around being useless.
50. I accidentally set the heat too high and my curtains went up in flames. My wife shouted “Are you trying to burn the whole house down?!” I said “I was just trying to light a fire under these drapes to get them to work!”
51. I installed outdoor curtains on my patio for some privacy but the wind keeps blowing them open. My neighbor yelled over “Quit giving me a free peep show every time I walk my dog!”
52. I used velcro to hang up my new curtains but they kept falling down. I guess you could say my curtains plan was ripped apart.
53. I was trying to open the curtains but they got tangled up. After fighting with them for 15 minutes I shouted “That’s it! I’m done with these needlessly complicated drapes!”
54. My husband burned a hole in the living room curtains with his cigarette last night. He tried to deny it but I could see right through his lies.
55. I sewed some new curtains but they turned out lopsided and sloppy looking. My wife took one look and said “These are the drapes of wrath!”
56. We had to get cheap curtains for the rental house and now our bedroom looks like a 15 year old girls room. My husband joked “Just toss some boy band posters on the walls to complete the look!”
57. We got new neighbors and went to welcome them to the building. But when they opened the door, their apartment had the ugliest homemade curtains I’ve ever seen! Now every time I see them I say Hi in a cheerful voice but secretly think “Ugh…the drapes!”
58. I love the valley between open curtains, it’s my own personal fort away from the outside world. Don’t judge my tiny happinesses.
59. The Velcro I used to hang my curtains failed and they collapsed during an open house showing. The realtor angrily said this incident did not reflect well on the “drapes” of the house.
60. I was trying to hang curtains outside but the wind kept blowing them horizontal. My neighbor shouted over “Quit mooning me with your drapes!”