Book Puns
1. I tried to catch fog yesterday but I mist.
2. My friend got hit in the head with a can of soda. He was lucky it was a soft drink.
3. I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did.
4. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
5. I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
6. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
7. She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
8. I tried to eat a clock yesterday. It was very time consuming.
9. A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
10. A toothpaste factory had a terrible accident. They’re putting everything back in order though.
11. I’m reading a great book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
12. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
13. Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
14. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
15. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
16. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired!
17. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
18. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
19. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.
20. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
Book One-Liners
21. I judge books by their cover, then read the back to see if I’m interested.
22. The last book I enjoyed was the dictionary, it had some great plot twists!
23. I don’t bookmark pages in books, I just fold over the corner to find my place. Who needs a bookmark when you can wreck a book?
24. I read a horror novel in braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
25. I accidentally ripped a page in my favorite book and I literally cried over spilled text.
26. I’m writing a book on reverse psychology, please don’t buy it when it comes out.
27. My favorite genre is mystery fiction, to find out what happens next I have to keep turning the pages!
28. Reading books is out of fashion these days, which sounds absurd if you think about it.
29. I enjoy reading one book so much I just can’t put it down, so now my arms are tired from holding it all the time.
30. I fall asleep really fast when I read books, usually around page three.
Best Book Jokes
31. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
32. An avid reader was stranded on a desert island for ten years with nothing to read. One day a crate washed up on shore. When she opened it, she found it was full of books. Thrilled, she started reading the first book but quickly realized they were all about deserts. She threw it down in frustration and said “Sand books. Just my luck!”
33. A man was sitting reading his book on his porch one morning when his neighbor came out of his house to pick up the morning newspaper.
“Morning!” the neighbor called out. “Hey, you know what I just realized? Every single part of my body has a different story!”
“Oh really?” said the man, playing along.
“Yes!” said the neighbor enthusiastically. “My hands have touched everything around the house and yard. My eyes have seen all the beauty of the neighborhood. My feet have walked all over this town. But my ears…” he hesitated.
“What about your ears?” asked the man.
“Well,” said the neighbor. My ears have heard nothing but jokes since the day you became my neighbor!
34. An accomplished author attended a book signing event at a local bookstore. As she sat waiting for people to show up, an elderly lady shuffled up with a walker and placed her very obviously self-published book on the table in front of the author.
“Please sign this for me dear,” she said. “I’m self-published just like you!”
The author tried not to laugh and gently explained, “Well, I actually have a traditional publisher.”
“That’s wonderful!” said the old woman. “Once you write enough books, they start publishing them for you!”
35. Tom absolutely loved reading mystery novels. He read them every night before bed. One night he decided to get up and get a glass of water from the kitchen in the dark. As he walked through the living room he thought he saw a faint light coming from under the door to the study.
“Aha!” he thought. “A midnight mystery! This is just like my books.”
Tom flung open the door ready to catch the intruder, only to find his wife sitting at the desk reading with a small book light.
She shook her head and said, “And you wonder why I like romance novels…”
36. The children’s librarian was an odd duck who took her job very seriously. When kids would return books late, she would make them sit and listen to her read aloud from the dictionary as punishment.
One day, a regular troublemaker strolled up to the return desk with a book that was months overdue.
The librarian raised her eyes over her glasses. “Let me guess, the dog ate your library book?” she said sarcastically.
“Nope,” said the kid. “But your definition of cooperated is wrong.”
37. Tom was visiting the bookstore when a stranger came up to him. “Psst, wanna buy an undetectable plagiarized essay?” he whispered. Tom was shocked and replied “Absolutely not, that would be cheating!”
The stranger frowned and said, “Yeah you’re right, good call. School isn’t about getting good grades, it’s about actually learning things.” Tom agreed, then realized the man had just given him a lesson in ethics.
38. Samantha loved reading epic fantasy books that transported her to mystical worlds. One day she was reading a particularly engrossing novel in the park when a wizard appeared before her in a flash of light.
“Samantha the time has come for you to take up the Staff of Ages and fulfill your destiny!” proclaimed the wizard. Samantha sighed and replied, “Do you mind? I’m trying to read here.”
39. I was reading in a coffee shop when I saw an angry man knocking books off the shelves. I asked him, “What are you doing?” He said, “I’m looking for a good book, but all I can find is bad chapters!”
40. I caught my wife reading a book about letting go of unnecessary possessions and clutter. But when I suggested we start getting rid of some things, she refused to part with any of her old books piled up everywhere.
Book Puns
41. Don’t judge a book by its movie.
42. I read a really long book about a small step ladder. It was a little step ladder that I climbed to read this really long book.
43. I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don’t buy it when it comes out.
44. I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
45. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
46. She had a photographic memory but never developed it.
47. I couldn’t figure out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.
48. Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
49. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
50. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
51. Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.
52. I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shih tzu.
53. Why do bicycles fall over? Because they’re two-tired!
54. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
55. I tried to catch fog yesterday but I mist.
56. I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win. No pun in ten did.
57. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
58. A toothpaste factory had a terrible accident. They’re putting everything back in order though.
Book One-Liners
59. I like big books and I cannot lie.
60. So many books, so little time.
61. I don’t just read books, I inhale them.
62. I wasn’t always a bookworm, but then I turned a new page.
63. I judge books by their cover, then read the back to see if I’m interested.
64. Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
65. A book is a dream you hold in your hand.
66. Whenever I’m sad, I read a book. Then I realize my problems are insignificant in the grand scheme of things and I feel better.
67. I love the smell of an old book, it smells like adventure!
68. Reading is dreaming with open eyes.
69. Books are a uniquely portable magic.
70. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Best Book Jokes
71. An English professor announced to her class: “There are two words I don’t allow in my class. One is gross and the other one is cool.”
From the back of the room a voice called out – “So, what are the two words?”
72. A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus crashed last night losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
73. A critic and a boy entered a barbershop together. After the boy received his haircut, the barber asked if he was satisfied with the haircut. The boy smiled and said that it was perfect.
After the boy left, the critic said he thought the haircut looked awful. “Why didn’t you tell the truth and say it was a bad haircut?” said the barber.
The critic replied, “That’s the difference between you and me. I try to improve people, but you just cut hair.”
74. An author told her friend, “I’m thinking of releasing an autobiography next year.”
The friend asked, “Have you done anything interesting with your life?”
The author frowned and said, “Uh, I’ll just write a novel instead.”
75. An arrogant writer walked into a bookstore and demanded to speak with the manager about placing his latest masterpiece on the Best Seller shelf.
The manager said, “I’m sorry, but we create those displays based solely on sales numbers, not ego.”
76. An author excitedly told her friend she had managed to sell her book about clocks and time to the Science Museum gift shop.
“That’s great!” said her friend. “Now you’ll have books in every section: Science, Fiction and History!”
77. I asked the librarian if she had a book about Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.
78. Two authors who hated each other’s writings ended up next to each other at a book signing event. To get back at her rival, one author started secretly signing copies of the other author’s book: “To my biggest fan!”
