Birthday Puns
1. I wanted to get you something really special for your birthday that would last a lifetime, so I got you this calendar.
2. I was going to get you a cake for your birthday, but I figured you’re sweet enough already.
3. For your birthday, I wanted to get you something to show how you light up my life. I hope you like this flashlight!
4. Roses are red, violets are blue, it’s my birthday, now give me the loot!
5. I mustache you a question. Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m 64?
6. I can’t believe you forgot my birthday. I’m really upset. In fact, I’m so angry I could just spit. Oh wait, it’s my birthday? Nevermind then!
7. I heard your birthday is coming up, so I got you a dictionary. I figured you could use some new words to describe how old you’re getting!
8. I wanted to bake you a birthday cake with lots of candles, but the fire marshal said that many candles would be a fire hazard.
9. You’re not getting older, you’re just a little closer to death.
10. I heard it’s your birthday! Aging certainly has its perks – you can get the senior discount at Denny’s now!
11. Happy Birthday! I know you think you still look young, but remember – wrinkles add character!
12. You’re not aging, you’re fermenting into a fine vintage.
13. Happy Birthday! Time to update that resume and LinkedIn to distract people from the fact you’re another year older.
14. Wishing you a very happy birthday! Just think – only 50 more years until retirement!
15. Happy Birthday! Remember when we used to stay up all night partying? Me neither.
16. Happy Birthday! Too bad you can’t return gifts like you return another year older!
17. You’re not getting older, you’re just becoming more distinguished.
18. Happy Birthday! Good thing you have lots of candles to brighten up the party since your eyesight is getting worse.
19. Hope you have a great birthday! Just think – next year you can join AARP!
20. Happy Birthday! Too bad wrinkles aren’t blessings, you’d be highly blessed!
Birthday One-Liners
21. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.
22. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
23. My birthstone is a diamond. Because a diamond is a girl’s best friend, and I am my own best friend.
24. I’m so old, my birthday candles set off the smoke alarm.
25. Birthdays are nature’s way of telling you to eat more cake.
26. Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.
27. You don’t stop laughing because you grow older. You grow older because you stop laughing.
28. Age is just a number. Mine is unlisted.
29. Birthdays are like boogers. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe.
30. The older I get, the better I used to be.
31. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
32. Age brings wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone.
33. You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
34. May your birthday and every day be filled with the warmth of sunshine, the happiness of smiles, the sounds of laughter, and the feeling of love.
35. A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip.
36. Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
37. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
38. May this year bring with it all the success and fulfillment your heart desires.
39. Don’t count the years, make the years count.
40. Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.
Best Birthday Jokes
41. An 80-year-old man was having his birthday party at the nursing home. One of the nurses came up to him and said, “Harold, I haven’t seen you with a smile on your face all day. Aren’t you having a nice birthday?” Harold replied, “Well, yes, but I’ll tell you why I’m not smiling. For my birthday, my wife sent me a case of prune juice and a magnifying glass. I’m drinking the prune juice so I can read the card the magnifying glass came with.”
42. One year, for my dad’s birthday, I bought him a cemetery plot as a gag gift. The next year, I didn’t get him anything. When he asked me why, I replied, “You never used the gift I bought you last year!”
43. An elderly man walks into a confectionary store and asks for a gift for his wife’s birthday. The shopkeeper suggests a box of chocolate. The man thinks for a minute and says, “Actually she can’t eat chocolate because of her dentures. Do you have anything for people who can’t chew well?” The shop assistant recommends a nice jar of jam. “No, that won’t work either, she has diabetes and can’t eat sugar.” Finally, the shopkeeper offers up a silk scarf. The old man’s face lights up and he says, “Perfect! She can use it to wrap my sandwiches she makes me every day!”
44. On my friend’s 80th birthday, he had a big party with food, drinks, and music. Near the end of the night, the DJ asked if anyone had any special requests for the birthday boy. His wife excitedly yelled, “Oh, play that song we danced to on our first date 60 years ago!” The DJ searched his playlists but couldn’t find the song. He asked the wife again what the song was called. She smiled and said, “I forget.”
45. For my grandpa’s 75th birthday, I got a giant cake shaped and decorated like a recliner chair. I figured it would be the only way he’d get up out of his easy chair all day.
46. On my 60th birthday, I got a case of prune juice with a note that said “Let’s toast to 60 years of getting wasted!”
47. An 80-year-old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out. After extensive testing, the doctor told them they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?” He replied, “To the kitchen.” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He said, “Sure.” She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” He said, “No, I can remember a simple thing like that.” She then said, “Well I’d also like some strawberries on top. You better write that down because I know you’ll forget.” He said, “I don’t need to write that down, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She replied, “I also want whipped cream on top. I know you’ll forget that so you better write it down.” Exasperated, he said, “I don’t need to write this down! A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it!” He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily, “I told you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”
48. A reporter was interviewing a 100 year old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 100?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
49. I’ve reached the age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that,” to “What the hell, let’s see what happens.”
50. I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.
51. Don’t worry about your age, it’s just a number. And luckily, it’s a really big number now!
52. Remember how good it felt turning 21? Relive that again every day by forgetting your age.
53. Thirty. 20. Twenty. A backward birthday that reminds me time goes by too fast. Slow down, life!
54. Age is just a number but luckily the government won’t tell anyone what your real number is. Act 29 forever!
55. Whoever said youth is wasted on the young never met you. You totally rock every year.
56. You’re not getting older, you’re gaining wisdom points! And with enough wisdom points, you gain a free life.
57. Every birthday marks another level gained in the game of life. Congrats on reaching this milestone!
58. Birthdays are just XP points that level you up in real life. Can’t wait to unlock your new abilities this year.
59. With age comes wisdom, grace, intelligence, and of course, cake. May you have the happiest of birthdays.
60. Your birthday is the annual reminder that you’re awesome and only getting awesomer. Celebrate being you today.
61. You’re not getting older, you’re leveling up. So enjoy all the new perks that come with gaining another year of wisdom.
62. Happy birthday to someone who makes every year count. May all your birthday wishes come true.
63. To someone who only gets better with age: happy birthday. You continue to inspire me daily.
64. Happy birthday to the person who proves that youth has nothing to do with age.
65. Your birthday is the perfect reason to celebrate how wonderful, smart, amazing you are—and eat cake. Enjoy your day.
66. Happy birthday to someone who keeps defying the aging process and only gets more awesome.
67. You’re not aging, you’re evolving into an even more magnificent version of yourself. Happy birthday, you visionary you.
68. Happy birthday, you’re everything I want to be when I grow up. Keep setting the bar high.
69. Wishing the happiest of birthdays to the world’s best role model. Thanks for showing us how it’s done.