Beauty Puns
1. I wanted to get my nails done, but the salon was fully booked. I guess you could say they had a full appointment calendar.
2. I was looking for a new hairstylist, but none of them seemed right. I guess I’m still searching for the mane event.
3. I went to get my hair colored for the first time. The stylist said, “Highlights?” I said, “Yes, please highlight my whole head!”
4. My friend got her nose done. The surgeon was a bit heavy-handed with the tools. Now her face is all contour and no highlight.
5. I told my hairdresser to cut my hair short on one side and long on the other. She said, “That’s an asymmetric haircut.” I said, “I know, just cut it asymmetrically!”
6. I wanted to get a makeover before my high school reunion. My stylist suggested Botox and fillers. I told her, “Thanks, but no thanks – I’m looking to GLOW up, not SLOW down!”
7. I went to the drugstore looking for a new moisturizer. The sales assistant asked if I wanted help, but no one knew my skin type better than me. I’m a porefessional, after all!
8. My friend got eyelash extensions for the first time. She batted her fake lashes at me and said, “Like my new falsies?” I said, “Yeah, those lashes are brief but beautiful!”
9. I was annoyed when the nail salon messed up my manicure. But in the end, I realized it was a blessing in the skies.
10. My hairdresser told me ombre hair was out. I asked her, “Well what’s the newest trend?” She said, “It’s balayage now.” I said, “Gee thanks – you’ve enlightened me!”
11. I went to a spa for a facial. The aesthetician said, “Do you want me to extract your blackheads?” I said, “No thanks, I’m happy with my pores just the way they are!”
12. I decided to go on a no-makeup cleanse for a month. When I told my friends, they said, “Aren’t you worried you’ll break out?” I said, “No way! My skin is pore-lific just as it is!”
Beauty One-Liners
13. My lips were so chapped that my friend said I needed some lip injection – of Chapstick!
14. I did my own acrylic nails but they ended up looking horrible. I guess I’m just not very manicure-able.
15. I went to get lash extensions, but the stylist said my natural lashes were already long enough. I guess I’m just born with great lash genetics!
16. I wanted to get a perm to add volume to my flat hair. My stylist took one look and said, “Girl, your hair already has enough body!”
17. I asked the nail technician for a French manicure. She took one look at my nails and said, “Oh honey, your cuticles are already trés chic!”
18. My friend said I should get botox for my wrinkles. I told her, “No thanks – this face comes pre-assembled!”
19. I went to get my makeup done at Sephora, but the artist said my skin was already poreless perfection!
20. My hairstylist recommended I get balayage done. I told her, “Thanks, but my hair is already highlight of my life!”
21. I wanted to get lip injections before my big date. My best friend told me, “Don’t worry – your lips are naturally luscious!”
22. I asked the dermatologist to recommend products for glowing skin. She said, “Honey, your complexion already looks airbrushed!”
Best Beauty Jokes
23. I was looking through old photos and realized I used to way overdraw my lips with liner. My friend saw the pictures and said, “Honey, you look like you had an allergic reaction to shellfish!”
24. I was running late to my hair appointment so I decided to multitask and tweeze my eyebrows while driving. I took a turn too quickly, and the next thing I knew, I had one thin eyebrow and one thick eyebrow. When my stylist saw me, she was like, “Oh sweetie, what did you do to your brows? Did you slip and fall tweezer-first into the carpet?”
25. My friend got hair extensions that were way too long for her petite frame. When she walked in the room, I took one look and said, “Girl, you look like you got attacked by a miniature poodle and now its fur is stuck to your head!”
26. I decided to cut costs by giving myself a Brazilian wax at home. I thought it went well, but when my partner saw me later, he was like, “Wow babe, it looks like you got into a fight with Edward Scissorhands down there and barely made it out alive!”
27. I’m addicted to self-tanning lotion but I’m really bad at applying it evenly. My roommate walked in on me naked and blurted out, “Why are you orange like an Oompa Loompa and white as a ghost at the same time?!”
28. In college, I used to think I was a makeup artist and would cake on a full face before 8am lectures. One day I overslept and had to rush to class bare-faced. When my friend saw me, she was like, “There you are! I almost didn’t recognize you without the layers of foundation and concealer.”
29. I bought a Groupon for laser hair removal but the technician burned me, so now I have a perfect square of singed skin on my leg. My sister saw it and said, “Uh, did you tan your leg in a waffle iron? What is going on here?!”
30. I got my first spray tan and couldn’t figure out how long to leave it on. My tan ended up looking like an ombre inspired by Donald Trump – bright orange face fading to pale white legs. When I went out that night, this guy at the bar asked me, “Woah, did you get tanned or get hit with a paintball gun full of Cheeto dust?”
31. In high school, I decided to cut my own bangs instead of paying for a haircut. Let’s just say it was…not great. When I walked into first period, my teacher took one look at me and said, “What happened? Did you lose a fight with a lawnmower?”
32. I wanted to go blonde but didn’t want to pay salon prices, so I bought a cheap box dye kit. My hair ended up looking less “beachy blonde” and more “highlighter yellow.” When I saw my friend she was like, “Hey! I almost didn’t recognize you – I could spot that hair from space!”
33. I tried following a smoky eye tutorial using the darkest black eyeshadow I could find. I just ended up looking like I’d been crying all night and forgot to wash my face in the morning. When I got to work, my boss was like, “Rough night?”
34. In my early twenties, I was obsessed with matte liquid lipstick and would wear the most drying shades imaginable. One day, I reapplied at work and a coworker commented, “That’s a bold color choice! Is your lips okay though? They look crustier than day-old pizza.”
35. When I was a tween, I would raid my mom’s makeup drawer and combine every product I could get my hands on. One time I went to school with electric blue eyeshadow up to my brows paired with frosty lip gloss. My teacher pulled me aside and gently suggested I “reel it in a bit.”
36. I decided to get acrylic nails for the first time for a big event. Long story short, it was…a fail. At the event, someone asked me, “What happened there, did you glue plastic fingernails to your real ones?!”
37. In high school, I went through a “tanorexic” phase and would lather myself in oil and lay in the tanning bed daily. I showed up to prom looking like a burnt orange leather handbag. Later at the after party, a guy asked me, “Whoa, did you just get back from Cancun or something? Your tan is…intense.”
38. I tried to go platinum blonde using box dye and it was a disaster – my hair ended up gummy bear blue for some reason? My roommate walked in and yelled, “What did you do to your hair? It looks like a unicorn threw up on your head!”
39. I decided to wax my own eyebrows and pulled a chunk clean off. For weeks I had to pencil in half an eyebrow before leaving the house. My friend saw the drawn-on brow and was like, “Let me guess…DIY brows gone wrong? Been there!”
40. In college, I was obsessed with coasters and would wear thick black eyeliner all the way around my eyes. One night after the bars, a drunk guy pointed at me in awe and shouted, “Dude, check out her eyes! They’re like raccoons but sparkly!”
41. I tried to dye my hair at home but left the bleach on way too long. I ended up having to chop off most of my length because it was so fried. When I saw my stylist, she gasped, “Honey! What happened? Your hair looks like straw!”
42. One day I was running late and only had time to apply mascara and eyeliner before class. That afternoon, a friend told me, “I didn’t recognize you at first without your usual full glam! The raccoon eyes threw me off.”
43. In middle school, I thought frosty blue eyeshadow made my brown eyes pop. One day, a blunt classmate told me I looked like I’d just come from my part-time job as an ice dancer.
44. I tried to wax my own bikini line and ended up with a literal bald spot. For weeks, I had to carefully angle myself when changing in the locker room to avoid flashing the hairless patch. My gym buddy saw it and gasped, “Oh no what happened? Hot wax mishap?”
45. I used an entire bottle of lemon juice to try and naturally lighten my hair. I just ended up with super dry, straw-like locks that reeked. When I saw my sister she immediately asked, “Why does your hair smell like a salad? And why is it so crunchy?!”
46. In high school, I’d slick my hair back with half a tub of gel until it looked wet. One day in English, a classmate raised his hand and asked the teacher if he could move seats because the fumes from my hair were making him dizzy!
47. I tried to cut my own side-swept bangs and ended up looking like Jim Carrey’s character from Dumb and Dumber. For a week, every time I pushed my bangs out of my face people would chuckle and say “Nice haircut!”