Australian Puns
1. What do you call an Australian who loves algebra? An alge-bra.
2. Why don’t Australians like riding bikes? They prefer to walka-bout.
3. What do you call an Australian who works at a steel factory? A metal koala.
4. Why are Australians bad at baseball? They don’t know how to pitch a boomerang.
5. What do you call an Australian snake? A danger noodle from down unda.
6. How does an Australian cook dinner? They put it on the barbie.
7. What do you call an Australian who loves graphs? A matha-matician.
8. Why are Australians good at math? They’re always up to some cunning calc-u-lations.
9. What do you call an Australian who works at a zoo? A koala-ty keeper.
10. Why are Australians so into fitness? They love being koala-fied trainers.
Australian One-Liners
11. Don’t let an Australian cook breakfast, they’ll just serve up vegemite on toast.
12. Australians don’t go on holiday, they go on walkabout.
13. Q: How do Australians party? A: With shrimps on the barbie.
14. Q: Why did the Australian bring extra snacks to the movies? A: For the drop bears.
15. Australians don’t need maps, they navigate by billabongs.
16. Q: Why are Australians such good swimmers? A: To avoid the crocs and jellyfish.
17. Australians use boomerangs as multipurpose tools – weapons, toys, even musical instruments.
18. Australians shorten every word: barbecue becomes barbie, ambulance becomes ambo.
19. Australians have pet kangaroos that hop around everywhere with them.
20. Australians are constantly battling deadly animals like snakes, spiders, and koalas.
Best Australian Jokes
21. An Australian man is fishing by a billabong when a huge crocodile leaps out of the water. The croc opens its mouth wide and the Aussie says “Crikey, you’re a big fella aren’t ya?” The croc pauses for a second, then says “Good day, mate!” and disappears back into the water.
22. An American tourist is backpacking through the Australian outback. He stops at a pub and orders a beer. A huge, muscular Australian man at the bar sizes him up and says “You call that a knife? I’ll show you a real knife.” He pulls out a gigantic hunting knife. The tourist stammers “My God man, why are you carrying that thing around?” The Aussie replies “Call that a knife? It’s for spreading vegemite mate!”
23. An Australian man is lost and wandering through the bush. He comes upon an old ranch house and knocks on the door hoping for help. An ancient aussie woman answers. “G’day mate! My name’s Bruce and I’m lost,” says the man. “Struth!” says the old woman. “My name’s Bruce too! Come on in, Bruce!”
24. An Australian couple adopts a German baby. The parents try to teach him the aussie ways, like giving him vegemite and fosters lager. But he keeps making guttural noises like “ach” and “ja”. This goes on for years until one day the German kid disappears. His parents are distraught, putting up missing posters all over town. A few weeks later, the german kid reappears. His parents ask where he’s been, and he says “Out finding myself. I’m Australian now!” The parents ask if he’s sure, to which the kid replies “Ja mate!”
25. A tourist visiting Australia sees a man with his pet kangaroo at the park. He walks up and says “I’ve never seen someone keep a kangaroo as a pet! What’s his name?” The Aussie thinks for a minute and says “Let’s call it Joey.” The tourist looks puzzled and says “But I thought kangaroos were always named Joey.” The Aussie smiles and replies “Nah mate, this one’s brand new!”
26. An Australian guy is drinking in an outback pub when a buff kangaroo hops in and orders a fosters. The two start chatting it up and soon the roo challenges the Aussie to an arm wrestling match. The man figures he can take a roo and agrees. The two square off and start arm wrestling. After holding his own for a minute, the Aussie quickly slams down the roo’s arm. All the other patrons cheer, congratulate the man, and buy him another round. A few minutes later the kangaroo says “Alright, best two out of three.” So they arm wrestle again. This time the kangaroo easily beats the man and wins the match. The Aussie is humiliated and sulks back over to the bar. The bartender gives him a sympathetic pat and says “You should know, that kangaroo is the arm wrestling champion around these parts. He beat me too. No shame losing to him.” The Aussie says “Yeah but mate, I almost had him! I can’t believe I lost to a bloody roo twice!”
27. Two aussie blokes are out hunting in the bush when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing so his mate calls 000 (Australian 911). The operator says “Okay mate, first let’s make sure he’s dead.” The aussie says “Sure thing” and there’s silence on the line. Then a loud bang. The operator says “What was that?!” The hunter replies “Just checking if he’s dead. Now what?”
28. An Australian guy is visiting America for the first time. He goes to a baseball game and after watching for a few innings, turns to the American next to him. “I have to say, this game makes no sense to me. These blokes hit the ball, try to run around in circles, then everyone stops for a tea break!” The American says “First of all it’s called a baseball diamond, and those aren’t tea breaks.” The aussie rolls his eyes “Diamond, circle, whatever mate. And I know tea when I see it.”
29. Two Australian hunters got a pilot to fly them into the remote wilderness, where they managed to bag two big kangaroos. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one kangaroo. They objected strongly: “Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both…and he had the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and everything was loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, “Any idea where we are?” The other replied, “Well, I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
30. Fred and Ted were stranded in the Australian desert. By the third day, Ted was crying, “We’re going to die! We’re going to die! Look Fred, a car! We’re saved!” “No Ted,” said Fred calmly, “it’s just a mirage.” Sure enough when they reached the spot – no car. Two weeks later, still stranded, Ted began to scream, “We’re going to die! This time it’s for real! Look Fred, a shed! We can sleep in there!” “No Ted,” Fred repeated, “it’s just a mirage.” And again there was nothing there when they arrived. That afternoon Ted yelled, even louder, “We’re going to die, Fred! Look, people, look!” “No Ted,” said Fred, “those are Aboriginal Australians. Just a mirage.” When Fred and Ted reached the spot, they found a small group of Aboriginal Australians sitting under a tree. Overjoyed, Ted turned to Fred and said, “It’s real, they’re real!” Fred smiled and said to Ted, “Yes, but they aren’t real Australians, just a mirage of o’mirage’inaries!”