Coronavirus Puns
1. I tried to make a COVID-19 joke but 99.74% of people didn’t get it.
2. What do you call panic-buying all the toilet paper during a pandemic? A COVID-19 flush.
3. I wanted to make a joke about COVID-19, but there’s a 99.9% chance you won’t get it.
4. Did you hear about the actor who got COVID-19? He has no fans now.
5. Why shouldn’t you invite COVID-19 to your party? It’s a real downer.
6. Why are frogs safe from COVID-19? They’re already wearing masks and gloves.
7. Why don’t cats get COVID-19? Because they’re already practicing social distancing.
8. How did the COVID-19 patient pay his bills? With his COUGHin money.
9. What do you call a COVID-19 cough? A corona spasm.
10. Why should you avoid COVID-19 like the plague? Because it is the plague!
11. How does COVID-19 spread so quickly? People just seem to cough it up easily.
Coronavirus One-Liners
12. I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
13. My friend got corona, he’s self isolating for 2 weeks. I said, “Cough if you’re okay!”
14. Never mind a vaccine, I just want a coronabeer.
15. So it’s actually Corona that has been killing all my relatives, not my awful driving.
16. This coronavirus better not delay the next season of The Bachelor.
17. They should have called it the Karen-virus since it’s taking out so many Karens complaining about wearing masks.
18. I guess you could say the toilet paper industry is on a roll thanks to coronavirus.
19. I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.
20. I’m so bored during this quarantine I’ve just been staring out the window. I guess you could call it a pandemic view.
21. After months in quarantine, I finally called my crush. But they’ve changed their number apparently.
Best Coronavirus Jokes
22. My friend got crushed by a pile of toilet paper rolls. It was a horrible Charmin accident.
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He starts a conversation with an old guy next to him. The old guy has obviously had a few. He says to the man:
“You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it’s the best dock in town! But do they call me “McGregor the dock builder”? No! And you see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me “McGregor the bridge builder”? No! And you see that pier over there, I built that, best pier in the county! But do they call me “McGregor the pier builder”? No!”
The old guy looks around nervously, and leans in closer to the man, and says:
“but you screw one sheep…”
23. I used to cough to cover up a fart. Now I fart to cover up a cough.
Larry and Bob, who haven’t seen each other in years, bump into each other on the street one day. After briefly chatting about old times, Larry invites Bob over to his house for dinner.
At the dinner table, Larry’s wife, Helen, asks Bob what he does for a living. “I’m a professor at the university,” Bob says. “I teach a course on the psychology of sex.”
“Well, I do some volunteer work at the hospital,” Helen says, “so I see a lot of different issues related to sexuality. I’d love to chat with you about it.”
Larry chimes in: “Honey, I don’t think Bob wants to talk about work over dinner. We’re just catching up as old friends.”
“Oh no, I’d love to discuss it,” Bob says. The three proceed to have a lively conversation about Bob’s research and Helen’s clinical experiences.
After Bob leaves, Helen says to Larry, “Bob seems like such an interesting person to talk to.”
“Yeah, a regular coronavirus conversation,” Larry grumbles. “It went on forever with no end in sight.”
24. I’m thinking of rebranding myself as DJ Quarantine. I’ve already got a ton of remixes, like “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by The Police and “Total Isolation” by Joy Division.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Corona.
Corona who?
Coronavirus! Now stop opening your door to strangers!
25. What’s the most positive thing about the coronavirus?
No more hand shakes from creepy strangers!
26. How do you know if someone has coronavirus? They’ll be coffin a lot.
A priest decides to skip church one sunday and go play golf. He tells his assistant that he isn’t feeling well. He drives to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He is playing a great game. An angel looks down from heaven and sees the priest playing golf. The angel goes to God and says “Look at that priest, he should be punished, he’s golfing on a Sunday”
God says “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll create a plague, warn him ahead of time so he can get back to church in time”
The angel goes down to earth, and as the priest is teeing off for the next hole, the angel appears in white robe with a staff and says “Repent, for God shall curse you with a plague in 2 weeks!”
The priest feels guilty, puts his clubs away, and rushes home. Two weeks later the plague strikes. it lasts for months. All public gatherings are banned. Church is cancelled. The priest realizes he brought this on himself, and spends the next months praying and repenting.
When the plague finally ends, the priest heads to the golf course for some much needed recreation. The same angel appears and says “I told you God would punish you. Now you have learned your lesson”
The priest replies “I learned my lesson alright…that I can’t play golf on Sundays without God rattling on about plagues and pestilence for 2 weeks straight!”
27. What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s a coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis.
John began feeling ill on a Monday and decided to get tested for COVID-19. On Tuesday he went to the testing site and got his nasal swab.
On Wednesday he continued feeling under the weather. Thursday came and went with no results. By Friday John was convinced he had COVID.
On Saturday, John’s positive test result finally came back. However, by Sunday he was already starting to feel better.
The moral of the story? Don’t assume you have COVID until you see the coronaproof.
28. My friends used Zoom, Skype and FaceTime during quarantine, but I felt left out until I found an app just for me: Quaranteen!
Jill is busy stocking up on supplies to prepare for a COVID-19 quarantine. She buys 50 rolls of toilet paper, hand sanitizer, masks, cleaning wipes and 2 weeks worth of canned goods.
The next day, the CDC announces that COVID-19 can be transmitted by farts.
Jill’s husband looks at her stockpile and asks, “What are we going to do with all this toilet paper now?”
29. What did the man with COVID-19 say to his friend? “I can’t TASTE you!”
I entered 10 puns in a contest to win tickets to the COVID-19 Palladium concert, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
30. Why should you never invite COVID-19 to a party? It’ll spike the punch!
31. What type of car does the coronavirus drive? A COUGHin Martin.
32. Why aren’t vampires affected by COVID-19? Social distancing is nothing new for creatures of the night.
33. Why don’t oysters get COVID-19? Because they’re used to being in self-isolation in their shells.
34. Why don’t squirrels get COVID-19? They’re protected by little hazmat suits.
35. Why is Peter Pan immune to COVID-19? Because he Neverlands!
36. Why are stop signs unaffected by COVID-19? Because they’re always 6 feet apart.
37. What’s a coronavirus’ favorite movie genre? COUGH thrillers.
38. Why don’t cows get COVID-19? Because they’re already social distancing with their herd immunity.
39. Why did the toilet paper fly off the shelves at the beginning of the pandemic? It caught coronavirus.
40. 2020 really takes “going viral” to new levels.
41. How is COVID-19 like my stomach after eating ice cream? It spreads easily.
42. Knock knock! Who’s there? A little old lady who decided to self-isolate before it was cool.
43. What does a butcher with COVID-19 do? Cough up some meatballs.