Chuck Norris Puns
1. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
2. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
3. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
4. Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
5. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
6. Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
7. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead, it’s just afraid to move.
8. Chuck Norris doesn’t go hunting… CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.
9. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.
10. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
12. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
Chuck Norris One-Liners
13. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
14. Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
15. Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in “manslaughter”.
16. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
17. Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra. After days of agonizing pain, the cobra died.
18. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake. After three days of agony, the rattle snake died.
19. Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
20. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
21. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
22. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Best Chuck Norris Jokes
23. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
24. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
25. Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
26. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
27. Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls in Spain. He walked.
28. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
29. Chuck Norris? sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
30. After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
31. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can “accidentally” beat the crap out of little kids.
32. Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was his survival guide to hand-to-hand combat.
33. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
34. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
35. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake. After three days of agonizing pain, the rattle snake died.
36. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
37. Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
38. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
39. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
40. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
41. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
42. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
43. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
44. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
45. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
46. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
47. Chuck Norris got shot in a drive-by shooting. The bullets were captured in orbit around Chuck Norris.
48. A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay’s potato chips, saying “Betcha can’t eat just one!” Chuck Norris then proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.
49. Chuck Norris’ infamous “roundhouse” kick is neither a kick, nor roundhouse. It is actually his foot plane shifting through space and time faster than light and smacking you in the face.
50. Chuck Norris doesn’t daydream. He’s too busy giving other people nightmares.
51. When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is courage?” Chuck Norris received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.
52. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
53. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
54. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
55. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
56. Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
57. When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had a beard, which is why he’s known as the only infant to have a beard.
58. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
59. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
60. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
61. Chuck Norris had never choked anyone using his bare hands before. There are only two strangleholds: with or without pain.
62. Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake. After three days of agonizing pain, the rattle snake died.
63. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
64. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afriad to move.
65. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
66. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
67. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
68. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
69. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
70. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afriad to move.
71. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
72. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
73. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
74. Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep. He waits.
75. Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
76. Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn’t dead it is just afriad to move.
77. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
78. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris One-Liners
79. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
80. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
81. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
82. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
83. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
84. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
85. Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
86. Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one……..one bad-ass that is.
87. TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.
88. After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
89. Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.
90. Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.
Best Chuck Norris Jokes
91. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
92. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
93. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
94. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
95. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
96. Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
97. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
98. Chuck Norris got shot in a drive-by shooting. The bullets were captured in orbit around Chuck Norris.
99. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
100. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
101. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
102. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
103. Chuck Norris’ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
104. After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.