Shirt Puns (20)
- I entered a contest for worst T-shirt slogan. I was trying to win, but I lost by a shirt thread.
- My friend got some soil on his new shirt. He has dirt tee.
- I spilled coffee on my favorite tee. It left a big stain on my shirt story.
- The scarecrow bought a new shirt. He Haynes it!
- My daughter makes clothing with recycled shirts. She calls her company Re-Tees.
- The powerlifter entered a T-shirt design contest featuring images of weights. He tried to win it with his bench press tee.
- I bought a sweat-wicking sports shirt made from bamboo fibers. It was panda-monic!
- My friend who works as a bartender spilled martinis on his uniform shirt. Now he has dirty martini tees.
- The coffee shop held a T-shirt design contest. There were so many latte good entries!
- I thought my crop top shirt would be revealing. But it didn’t show much mid-drif-tee.
- The shirt factory had to close early due to a power outage. They had to shut ‘er tee down.
- My niece loves unicorns, so I got her a sparkly shirt with a unicorn graphic. She loves her glit-tee!
- The bakery was giving away free T-shirts with donut images printed on them. I got myself a free donut tee.
- I bought a neon orange reflective running shirt. It really brightens my night runs and keeps me safe-tee!
- My friend spilled red wine on her new white blouse. Now she has a rose tee!
- I entered my cat in an ugly holiday sweater contest. But he didn’t win, he got out-ugly Christmas tree-d!
- The hotel gift shop sells shirts with prints of famous artwork. Most popular is the Mona Lisa tee.
- My friend keeps misplacing his uniform shirts. He really needs to keep better track of his work tee’s.
- I bought a shirt to support my favorite football team. It was fan-tastic!
Shirt One-Liners (15)
- Torn between two shirts? Go with the one that has less holes in it.
- Lost a button on your shirt collar? Just turn it around, no one will notice.
- Don’t cry over spilled wine on your shirt, cry because now you have no more wine.
- Shirts should come with volume controls so you can turn embarrassing graphic tees up or down.
- My closet is just 70% shirts I never wear and 30% the same 2 shirts I wear daily.
- I donate all shirts with embarrassing sayings from my youth to haunted houses.
- Dog hair sticks to shirts like glue, yet my socks still slide halfway across the room when I take them off.
- “Of course size matters. Have you ever tried to stuff an XXXL shirt into an XS bag?”
- My ideal shirt is soft with no tags and does not require ironing…so essentially my pajamas.
- Buying extra small women’s shirts assumes I want a midriff. Buying small assumes I want a tent.
- I judge how productive my day was by how many cat hairs are stuck to my shirt by bedtime.
- My shirts have an invisibility mode. It’s called “the hamper.”
- Mornings when my shirt is on inside-out let me know it’s going to be one of those days.
- My shirt collection can be summed up as free t-shirts from events and graphic tees I thought were funny 5 years ago.
- I’m pretty sure I own the same black shirt in 10 slightly different fabrics.
Best Shirt Jokes (28)
- Last week my friend invited me over to help her organize her messy closet. She had clothes exploding out of boxes haphazardly stacked on the floor. I picked up a pile of wrinkled shirts and asked her, “How do you even find anything to wear in this disaster?”
She shrugged and said, “I just close my eyes and grab whatever my hand touches first.”
I rolled my eyes and told her, “Well no wonder you always have spinach stuck in your teeth and mismatched earrings. You’re dressing yourself blindfolded in the middle of a war zone!”
- My husband came home from work one day bragging about all the compliments he got on his sharp new business casual shirt. “Old Stan even asked if I had a hot date tonight,” he grinned.
“Is that so?” I muttered, not looking up from my computer.
“You know babe, it wouldn’t kill you to notice my nice new shirt too,” my husband huffed.
“I did notice it actually. In fact I’ve seen that shirt before, because it’s mine! I’ve been looking everywhere for that blouse! Give it back right now mister!”
- Last weekend I was sorting through donations at a homeless shelter when I came across a big bag of hideous Christmas sweaters. They were tacky beyond belief, featuring 3D stuffed Santas, twinkly LED lights, and snowmen that actually shook their bodies so glitter swirled around.
I showed the sweaters to my friend Amy who volunteers with me. “Wow, too ugly to even donate, who would wear those?” I said jokingly.
Amy shrugged. “I bet they were regifted so many times over so many years that they finally ended up here when the last person to get stuck with them just refused to pawn them off on anyone else.”
We laughed until we cried picturing these sweaters getting unwrapped disappointedly year after year by different people thinking “Oh no, not again!”
- Why do shirts hate going to the gym?
Because they don’t like to be pressed!
- What do you call a psychic midget escaping from prison?
A small medium at large!
- Did you hear about the shirt factory burning down?
Apparently they got the seamstress out just in time!
- My friend can’t afford to buy pressed shirts anymore due to inflation. Now everything in his wardrobe needs ironing!
- What do Alexander the Great and shirts worn by left-handed people have in common?
They both have sleeves that are all right!
- Did you hear about the near-sighted shirt maker?
He sewed buttons all over the back because he couldn’t see well enough for the front!
- Why don’t shirts like getting measured?
It makes them feel hemmed in!
- My friend ordered a custom shirt printed with his favorite coffee slogan. When it arrived we read the graphic, “Make each day countee.”
I said, “Um I think they misspelled county?”
He shook his head sadly. “No, they charged me full price even though it’s wrong.”
- What kind of shirts do architects wear?
Blue prints!
- How did the T-shirt get straight A’s on his report card?
He had all the right curves!
- My cousin ordered a batch of custom printed T-shirts for his basketball team. When the box arrived, he opened it excitedly but his face fell right away. The logo was pixelated and blurry and they had printed “Brian’s Basketball Boys” instead of the actual team name.
I asked what he was going to do with two dozen useless shirts. “Use them for pajamas I guess?” he sighed.
“Well look on the bright side, at least the kids will wake up motivated to play hard so they can earn shirts without mistakes next season,” I encouraged.
He just glared at me and said, “Tell that to the parents who paid $15 each for these disasters!”
- Someone broke into my friend’s house and stole all his dress shirts, ties, trousers, jackets, and shoes. Police are looking into it but no leads yet. When I asked my friend if he had any suspects in mind he said, “I have my seams stresses about who did this!”
- My company switched uniform shirt suppliers and the new ones are terrible. They shrink like crazy even on delicate cycle and cold water wash then buttonholes rip out if you glance at them wrong. I’ve had to replace two shirts in six months. At this rate I’ll go broke keeping myself in work clothes!
I complained to the supervisor that we should switch back to the old shirts. He said upper management got a really low bid from this shirt company so they aren’t going back, we just have to make do.
I told him, “Well judging by how fast these shirts fall apart, I’d say that was a transparent pricing ploy. We can see right through their garbage quality!”
- I took my little cousin school shopping over the weekend to get her some new clothes before classes start. We were browsing graphic tees in the girls section when she grabbed a sparkly purple shirt that read “Dancing Queen” in rhinestones.
I told her “I don’t think your parents would love that top, let’s pick something more subtle.”
She ignored me completely, clutching the purple shirt to her chest and begging loudly, “Pleeeeease can we get this one?! I love it sooooo much!”
I tried to reason with her as she threw a full tantrum, throwing herself around the floor crying. I looked up see other shoppers staring at me annoyed like I was torturing the poor child over a shirt!
- What kind of shirts do spiders wear?
Web tees! - Did you hear that the shirt factory burned down?
Luckily all the seams-stresses made it out safely! - What happened to the fan’s favorite team shirt?
It became faded! - My friend was nervously getting ready for her big job interview so I told her, “Just pretend all the people interviewing you are shirtless.” She looked at me funny and said “Why would that help me feel less anxious?”
I shrugged and told her, “Well, it would just make the whole thing a little less pressing.”
- What do you call a funny shirt? A humorous top!
- What do you call a French spider’s favorite garment? A ouib tee!
- How does a shirt win an argument? They use their best sleeves!
- Why was the T-shirt staring at the orange juice? Because it said “concentrate”!
- Someone broke into my friend’s house and stole all his dress shirts, ties, trousers, jackets, and shoes. When I asked if he had any idea who did it he said, “I have my seams stresses about the culprit!”