I asked my rug if it wanted to hear a joke about floors. It said, “No thanks, it might go over my head!”
My new shag rug said to me, “Get off me, man!” I think it’s going through an identity crisis.
I caught my rug rolling itself up. When I asked why, it said it was feeling under the weather.
Did you hear about the psychic rug? It can foresee spills before they happen!
I entered my rug in a comedy competition, but it got disqualified for recycling old material.
My rug keeps telling the same bad puns. I guess it has a one-track mind.
I asked my living room rug how it was doing, and it just shrugged.
Did you hear about the illegal rug operation? They got caught red-handed selling hot carpets!
I told my rug it wasn’t looking so good. It said, “I’m feeling a little floored today.”
The shaggy rug said, “You really swept me off my feet!”
Rug One-Liners
My rug is impossible to vacuum—it always fights me tooth and carpet.
I spilled juice on my rug and now it’s feeling berry blue.
My rug keeps attracting dirt no matter how much I clean it. I guess it has a grime magnet.
I asked my rug for cleaning advice, but it just brushed me off.
My new rug is jealous of my old one. I guess it has some self-looming issues.
My rug developed a bad rash, so I told it to take some floor-adryl and quit complaining.
My antique Persian rug spends all its time bragging. I wish it would stop being so smug.
I keep finding crumbs in between my rug’s fibers. Looks like it’s harboring some fugitives!
My shag carpet doesn’t have any friends. I guess people think its hair is too long!
I vacuumed the fibers right off my area rug! Now it’s just a place mat.
Best Rug Jokes
I recently got a job at a rug factory. On my first day, the manager gave me a tour and explained the different stages of production. First, they take large bales of wool and spin them into yarn. Then the yarn is woven on huge mechanized looms into long rolls of unfinished carpet. Finally, they use giant scissors to cut the rolls into standard rug sizes. As we walked around, I asked the manager, “How do you train someone to use those gigantic scissors?” He replied, “It’s simple. First, you start them off with the little snips!”
My wife has been begging me to redecorate our living room for months. Last week, I finally went rug shopping to surprise her. I found a nice plush area rug that would go great with our furniture. When I got home, I rolled it out in the living room and called my wife downstairs. She took one look at the rug and screamed, “Oh no! The dog got flattened by the steamroller again!”
I recently adopted a rescue dog named Ruggles. The people at the shelter warned me that he has some behavioral issues and will chew anything remotely resembling fabric. So I made sure to pick out pet beds made of durable orthopedic foam and I put away anything with cloth or stuffing. However, I forgot about the shag rug in my bedroom… When I came home from work the first day, Ruggles was curled up on the floor looking very satisfied next to a giant pile of shredded carpet! Now he blends right in when he lies there.
Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space!
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer once. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
My wife accused me of stealing her thesaurus. Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled, and dismayed!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt badly—it was a soft drink!
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!
Recently, I decided to clean underneath my elderly mother’s vintage Oriental rug in her living room. I started gently rolling it back when suddenly a small door in the floorboards popped open. To my shock, three tiny men with red pointy hats and white beards crawled out looking very annoyed. “Hey buddy, do you mind?” said one. “We’re mining for rubies down here!” I couldn’t believe my eyes—actual gnome miners living under my mom’s rug! I said, “I’m so sorry! I had no idea this rug was the entrance to your little mine. Please, continue your work!” As they climbed back down and closed the door, I slowly rolled the rug back over their tunnel. I never imagined those childhood stories about gnomes could actually be real! Now whenever I visit my mom, I’m careful not to disturb the rug so her “little helpers” can mine in peace.
I recently stayed at a fancy hotel for a wedding. When I arrived in my room, I was delighted to see they had provided a plush rug between the bed and bathroom. Excited to experience the soft carpet with my bare feet, I took off my shoes and socks and did a running jump onto the rug. But instead of landing with a fluffy flop, I crashed right through into the room below me! Turns out the hotel had very shoddily stapled the rug to the floor. As I looked up sheepishly at the shocked couple in the room, all I could say was “Well, at least the carpet matches the drapes now!”
Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it’s two-tired!
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
My daughter won’t stop playing Wonderwall on guitar. I think my son is starting to feel Way Out back in his room.
Want to know how trees access the internet? They just log on!
Did you know if you flatten out a fly’s wings, you get a walk from it? Poor thing!!!
I bought a racing snail today. I took off its shell to reduce wind resistance but if anything it just made it more sluggish.
