Ring Puns
- I was going to make a ring pun, but I think I’ll just band them altogether.
- Did you hear about the angry jewelry maker? They were always throwing shade.
- I bought an engagement ring for my geology-obsessed girlfriend. I hope she likes this precious stone.
- Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own? Because they’re two-tired.
- The jeweler was arrested for stealing a gold ring, but he claimed it was just a case of mistaken identity.
- I took my broken ring to get resized. The jeweler said, “I can fix this in a jiffy!”
- Our wedding rings are made of 24 karat gold. I guess you could say we got ourselves some heavy metal!
- I was going to tell a joke about wedding bands, but I think I’ll just ring it in.
- Did you hear about the psychic jewel thief? They had a crystal ball.
- I bought my fiancée a nice diamond ring, but she didn’t seem impressed when she opened the box. Maybe I should have sprung for a springer spaniel instead.
Ring One-Liners
- Lost my wedding ring today…my wife is going to kill me!
- I wanted to get my wife a nice ring for our anniversary, but I didn’t have enough jewel-real estate.
- So a man walks into a jewelry store and trips over a display case, quickly stands up, and says “Excuse me, I was just ring watching!”
- My friend got a really expensive ring for his girlfriend, but she ended up leaving him…now that ring has lost all its value!
- I bought my wife a nice ring for our 10th anniversary but she didn’t seem that excited, she must already have one!
- Our wedding rings are solid gold, so if times get tough at least we have some precious metal to fall back on.
- I tried to surprise my wife with a nice ring but she saw me looking at jewelry online, now the cat is out of the bag.
- My girlfriend said if I bought her a nice ring she would say yes…so I got her one from Walmart for $15 and now we’re engaged!
- I wanted to buy my wife a nice ring but they were all too expensive, she’ll just have to settle for a Band-Aid I found under the sink.
- Bought my fiancé a $5,000 ring, she said yes! Then I woke up and realized I’m still single.
Best Ring Jokes
- I told my jeweler that if he made me a 24 karat gold ring, I would Hertz his Donuts. He said, “Buddy, that don’t make cents!” So I said, “Ore nothing!” And he said, “Just mine your own bismuth!”
- Did you hear about the angry ring maker? He was always throwing shade. One day his assistant quit because she was tired of his crap. So the ring maker put out an ad for a new assistant. Some guy named Neil Diamond applied. The ring maker asked, “What makes you qualified to make rings?” Neil replied, “Well, I am a jewel.”
- So a man walks into a jewelry store and starts looking around. A saleswoman approaches him and asks if she can help him find anything. “Yes,” says the man, “I’m looking for a special ring for my fiancée.”
The saleswoman shows him some diamond rings. He looks them over carefully and says, “These are nice but I’d really like something unique and one-of-a-kind.”
The saleswoman thinks for a minute. Then her face lights up. She reaches under the counter and brings out a stunning ring unlike anything the man has ever seen. It has a massive emerald that seems to glow from within, surrounded by tiny alternating rubies and sapphires set in white gold.
The man’s eyes go wide. “That’s perfect!” he exclaims. “I’ll take it!” As the saleswoman rings him up she asks, “Congratulations on your engagement. How did you meet your future wife?”
The man replies, “Oh, I haven’t met her yet. This is for my girlfriend to propose to me with.”
- My friend saw that I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring the other day. He asked me, “Trouble with the wife?” I said, “No way! I just didn’t want to get battery.”
- A woman walks into a jewelry store and tells the jeweler, “I’d like to buy a ring for my husband, but I’m not sure what size to get. Is there an easy way to figure that out?”
The jeweler asks, “Does your husband wear hats often?”
The woman replies, “Yes, he loves baseball caps.”
“Perfect!” says the jeweler. “Just bring me one of his baseball caps and I’ll be able to measure his ring size from that.”
The next day, the woman comes back with one of her husband’s favorite baseball caps. The jeweler takes out his measuring tools and carefully measures the inside of the cap. He then consults his ring sizing chart.
“According to my measurements, your husband’s ring size is 7 and 1/4,” pronounces the jeweler confidently. “I have some very nice rings right over here in that size.”
“I’m sorry,” says the woman, looking puzzled, “are you telling me you’re able to determine his ring size just from the size of his baseball cap?”
“Why yes!” the jeweler says proudly. “It’s a technique we jewelers have used for years.”
“That sounds great!” says the woman enthusiastically. “Now I just need to figure out if his d*** would fit in that little hole at the end of the cap!”
- Why can’t a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it’s two-tired.
- I took my wife to the Caribbean for our 10th anniversary. While we were walking along the beach one evening, laughing and holding hands, she suddenly stopped and turned to me. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, “You know, after all these years, you still make my heart flutter.” I smiled lovingly at her and said, “You still make my ring sparkle.”
- An elderly couple walks into a jewelry store looking to buy wedding rings. As the jeweler is helping them, he asks how long they’ve been married. “We’ve been married 60 years,” says the old man.
“Wow, 60 years!” remarks the jeweler. “And you’re just now getting wedding rings? What took you so long?”
The old woman chuckles and says, “His first wife wouldn’t let him!”
- I spent hours wandering around the jewelry store trying to find the perfect ring for my girlfriend, but I still couldn’t find one in her size that would fit over my nose.
- Did you hear about the angry jeweler? He lost his diamonds and was throwing shade.
- Why don’t jewelers have regular jobs? Because it wouldn’t make cents!
- Did you hear about the jeweler who became a boxer? He was always throwing gem punches!
- Did you hear that Lord of the Rings is getting turned into a reality show? It will be hosted by none other than Sauron from The Eye of Mordor Jewelers. His catchphrase will be “One ring to rule them all!”
- What kind of jewelry do pirates wear? 14 carrot gold!
- Did you hear about the pirate who wore 2 earrings and 15 rings? They said he had a lot of piercings and a lot of bling!
- Did you know that in the movie Titanic, the diamond necklace worn by Rose was originally supposed to be a ring? But the producers decided to make it a necklace instead when they realized it would be more romantic for Rose to say, “Jack, draw me wearing this precious gem” rather than “Jack, stick your finger in my precious gem.”
