Pot Puns
1. I’m so baked right now, you could call me a pot-ato.
2. My friend got too high and thought he could fly. He’s now in the vegetabled state.
3. I entered my pot plant into a gardening competition. Sadly, it didn’t even make it to the high finals.
4. Why do cannabis plants make such great musicians? They have lots of natural herb-mony!
5. What do you call an alligator that smokes weed? A marijuan-a.
6. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind, it’s tearable.
7. Why was the stoner fixated on the orange juice? It was Concentrate!
8. My friend got so stoned he tried to unlock his car door with the remote unlock button on his keys. His car was at home in the garage.
9. What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped from jail? A small medium at large.
10. I ate a marijuana brownie before my yoga class. Now I can’t stop stretching and hydrating. Namas-stay high-drated.
11. What do you call a bear that consumes cannabis? A hi-bear-nating bear.
12. I got so baked last night I burnt my pizza rolls. I was too high to handle the rotation.
13. Why was the hippie arrested at the airport? He was carrying some dank meme.
14. What did the stoner say when the blunt went out? This re-lights my fire.
15. My friend got so high he tried to order a bucket of fried chicken online. He typed in www.kentfuckyfriedchickin.com.
Pot One-Liners
16. I’m so high right now I could eat 100 chicken nuggets.
17. This weed has me seeing sounds and hearing colors.
18. I’m not addicted to weed, I’m addicted to sitting in a circle talking about weird stuff.
19. I got so high last night I spent 3 hours looking for my phone while I was talking on it.
20. I got so baked yesterday I tried to unlock my house with the button lock on my car keys.
21. I got so stoned I accidentally put the milk back in the pantry and the cereal back in the fridge.
22. I got so high last night I made cereal with a beer and orange juice.
23. I got so baked yesterday I spent 10 minutes looking for my glasses when they were on top of my head.
24. This weed has me so fried, I can hear my vision.
25. I’m so stoned right now, I just poured myself a bowl of mac and cheese to eat my cereal with.
26. I got so high last night I tried to order Domino’s pizza from my microwave.
27. This weed has me seeing noises and hearing colors.
28. I got so baked I tried to text my friend using my TV remote.
29. I’m so fried right now I just tried to drink out of an empty bag of chips.
30. I got so high last night I searched the house for my phone for 30 minutes before realizing I was holding it.
31. This weed has me so stoned I just tried to unlock my front door with my car clicker.
32. I’m so baked right now I just tried to pay for my pizza using my bus pass.
33. I got so high last night I tried to FaceTime my fridge to see if I had any leftover pizza.
34. This kush has me so blazed I just poured orange juice on my cereal instead of milk.
35. I’m so fried right now I just tried to order a pizza by yelling at my microwave.
Best Pot Jokes
36. My friend got so baked last night, he was convinced he was a water bed. He just kept drinking water for hours trying to fill himself up.
37. I got so high yesterday I went to unlock my car in the parking lot but couldn’t find it anywhere. Turns out I took an Uber to the shops.
38. Last night I got so stoned I thought I was in a musical. I kept randomly bursting out into song about mundane tasks like doing laundry and washing dishes. My roommate was not amused by my impromptu 3AM performance of “Suds in the Bucket.”
39. Yesterday I got so baked I became convinced there were tiny construction workers inside my body repairing my cells. I kept yelling at them to keep up the good work and to be careful lifting heavy organelles. My friend had to convince me to drink some water and lay down.
40. The other night I got so high I started freaking out that I was shrinking. I made my roommate measure me because I needed to know if I was getting smaller. Turns out I’m still 5’9″ – just very, very stoned.
41. Last weekend I got so fried that I went on Amazon and bought 15 pounds of sour straws, 4 dozen donuts, and industrial sized tubs of peanut butter and Nutella. Woke up the next morning like “did I black out order ALL the munchies last night?” Checked my Amazon cart and the $400 charge and thought “yup, I sure did.”
42. I got so incredibly high last night that I became convinced I was a cat. I kept rubbing up against the couch, meowing, and demanding my roommate give me treats and chin scratches. At one point, I tried squeezing into a cardboard box and refused to come out. Definitely some good stuff!
43. Yesterday I got so baked that I spent over an hour having an existential crisis about forks. “Who invented forks? How did they come up with the prongs? Why aren’t they called food rakes? What did people do before forks?” My roommate finally snapped me out of it by handing me a bag of chips and putting on Planet Earth. Forks man, wild.
44. Last night I got so insanely high that I became convinced I was invisible. I kept sneaking around the house, jumping out to scare my roommate, and getting offended when he acted like he couldn’t see me. Dude played along for over an hour pretending to be amazed by floating objects. MVP roommate right there.
45. The other day I got so stoned that I went on a 2 hour rant about how shoes are like little jails for your feet and how weird feet look. I took off my shoes and tried walking around “free footed.” Let’s just say there’s a reason shoes were invented and leave it at that.
46. Last weekend I got so baked that I became convinced I was psychic. I started predicting really mundane stuff like “your phone will ring in one minute. It will be your mom. She will ask you what you want for dinner.” Then I would wait and confirm my “powers” when it happened. I kept it up for like 3 hours, thoroughly convincing myself of my newfound abilities before passing out.
47. Yesterday I got so fried that I started freaking out because I didn’t know how to properly swallow water. I spent 30 minutes practicing opening my throat and trying to swallow all scientifically. My roommate looked over at me glugging water with my neck jutted out and was like “dude are you ok?” I was not.
48. Last night I got so high I became convinced that I was dreaming and nothing was real. I kept doing crazy stuff like jumping on the couch, eating spoonfuls of mustard, and taking all my clothes off trying to wake myself up. It took my roommate splashing cold water on my face to snap me out of it and realize I wasn’t dreaming, just really, really baked.
49. The other day I got so insanely stoned that I started crying because I couldn’t remember the alphabet backwards. I was fully sobbing and making my friend quiz me on it for over an hour. I finally passed out from exhaustion still unable to recite Z-A. Traumatizing stuff.
50. Last night I got so incredibly baked that I became convinced there were ants crawling all over me. I completely stripped naked and stood in the shower for half an hour scrubbing myself while screaming about the ants. My roommate checked and confirmed there were, in fact, zero ants on me. Just very strong sativa apparently.
51. Yesterday I got so high I started freaking out about bananas. Like who discovered you could eat bananas?? They don’t even look edible! And why are they all curved the same way? How do they grow like that?? I was asking my roommate these hard hitting questions for over an hour straight. Mind blown by bananas.
52. Last night I got so baked that I spent 30 minutes staring at a jar of pickles giggling. My roommate was like “whats so funny?” I was like “bro….it’s a JAR….of PICKLES!!” and proceeded to absolutely lose it. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life. Pickles, man.
53. The other day I got so high that I became convinced I was speaking Simlish (the Sims language). I just kept making Sim sounds back and forth with my roommate for hours. He played along and mimicked the sounds. We had entire conversations that way, even though neither of us speaks Simlish when sober. Wild times.
54. Last night I got so baked that I panicked because I didn’t know how to properly chew and swallow my food. I sat there for 20 minutes methodically chomping each bite while sipping tiny amounts of water and focusing intently on commanding my muscles to swallow. My roommate looked over and was like “dude, are you ok?” I was not.
55. Last weekend I got so blazed that I became convinced I was shrinking. I made my roommate take a ruler and measure me every 10 minutes because I needed to know if I was getting smaller. Hours later I fell asleep still 5’9″. Woke up the next morning and checked – yup still shrinking. JK, I’m obviously still the same size, just really, really high.