Pocket Knife Puns (15)
1. I was looking for my pocket knife yesterday but couldn’t find it. I guess you could say it was a cutlery emergency.
2. My friend got me a pocket knife for my birthday. I told him, “Thanks a blade!”
3. Did you hear about the angry pocket knife? It had a short temper.
4. Why can’t pocket knives tell secrets? Because they can’t keep their blades shut!
5. The pocket knife was feeling dull so it went to get sharpened. It was so excited to have a cutting edge again.
6. I was trying to open my pocket knife but was having trouble. I guess you could say I was in a bind.
7. My pocket knife identifies as a sword. I guess you could say it’s going through an identity crisblade.
8. I took my pocket knife to see the new action movie. It was riveted the whole time.
9. My pocket knife started telling bad jokes. I told it, “Quit it with the corny puns!”
10. I dropped my pocket knife into a river by accident. What a waste of a good blade of water!
11. My pocket knife got arrested for stabbing someone. Its alibi didn’t cut it in court.
12. I was cleaning my pocket knife when suddenly the blade snapped off. Well that put me in a chipper mood!
13. Did you hear about the knife juggler who only uses pocket knives? He works with a small blade radius.
14. I entered my pocket knife into a tournament but it didn’t make the cut.
15. When I sharpen my pocket knife I like to put on Blade Runner in the background. It really sets the tone.
Pocket Knife One-Liners (15)
16. I was going to make a joke about pocket knives, but decided not to since it might cut too deep.
17. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but have you ever tried to sign your name with a pocket knife?
18. My friend called me crying because someone stole his pocket knife. I told him to pull himself together.
19. I was cleaning out my garage when I found my dad’s old pocket knife from the 70s. Talk about a cutting edge blast from the past!
20. Don’t run with pocket knives, unless you fancy a sharp pain in your backside.
21. I entered my pocket knife into a strongman competition but it didn’t have the muscle to win.
22. My pocket knife started dating a vegetable peeler behind my back. I learned the hard way it had more than one blade.
23. I was attacked by someone with a pocket knife but luckily was wearing cut-proof clothing. You could say I was imperblade to its slashes.
24. If at first your pocket knife doesn’t cut through something, apply more force. That’s my razor blade of wisdom.
25. Don’t lend your pocket knife to someone you don’t trust completely. You may not get it back in one blade.
26. I keep a picture of my pocket knife in my wallet in case someone steals it. That way I can cut out the perpetrator.
27. My friend can whistle and juggle pocket knives at the same time. He’s very blade at multitasking.
28. I was nervous about my first date so I brought along my pocket knife for protection. I really needed the emo-blade support.
29. A clean pocket knife is a happy pocket knife. Remember to wipe your blades after use!
30. I slice, I dice, I cut any vice. I’m your pocket knife and here to serve!
Best Pocket Knife Jokes (17)
31. A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer approached the car window, the man quickly threw his pocket knife under his seat.
“Do you know why I pulled you over today?” asked the officer.
“I’m sorry officer, I guess I was speeding,” replied the nervous man.
The officer looked in the car with his flashlight and noticed the pocket knife under the seat.
“Sir, why do you have that pocket knife hidden under your seat?”
The man gulped and responded, “Well you see officer, I’ve had that pocket knife since I was a kid. I guess I just reflexively hid it when you walked up because I was afraid you’d think I was going to use it as a weapon or something.”
The officer chuckled and said, “Sir that’s just a 2-inch blade. Even if you tried, the worst you could do is give me a nasty paper cut!”
32. A father was teaching his young son how to properly handle and use a pocket knife one day out in the yard.
As the son was pretending to whittle a stick of wood, he accidentally cut himself and started bleeding. He started crying loudly.
“Come on son, don’t cry,” said the father. “You’re 10 years old now and need to toughen up. When I was your age, I fell out of a tree and broke my arm but didn’t shed a single tear.”
But the son just kept sobbing and said, “Yes but Daddy, when you were my age you weren’t holding a sharp pocket knife!”
33. An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in an empty country road during a snowstorm. Luckily another local driver saw it happen and pulled over to help. He had a big pickup truck and some tow straps so he towed the man’s car out of the ditch.
The man thanked the local profusely. The local just said, “Well you ain’t from around here, so let this be a lesson to you – carry a pocket knife and if you get stuck in a ditch, start cutting brush and lay it under your drive tires for traction.”
“That’s great advice, thanks!” replied the man. “By the way, do you have the time? I think my watch stopped when I crashed.”
The local just laughed and said, “Heck, where you’re from there ain’t no reason for ya to know what time it is!”
34. A poet was struggling to come up with a rhyme for his latest poem. After staring at the page for over an hour, he decided to take a break and go for a walk downtown to clear his head.
As he was passing by an antique store, he spotted an old-timey pocket knife in the window display. Suddenly inspired, he rushed back home to finish the troublesome stanza:
“The autumn leaves rustled in the trees,
catcher’s mitts turned to frost,
I spied inside curiosities,
an elegant pocket knife embossed.”
35. A man walked into an emergency room with a nasty cut on his hand.
“How did this happen?” asked the doctor as he stitched him up.
“Well I was out camping and tried to carve a tent peg with my pocket knife to secure my tent better during high winds,” explained the man.
“I see,” said the doctor. “It looks like you lost control of the knife. You have to be more careful!”
“Careful, shmareful doc!” exclaimed the man. “You should have seen the size of that mosquito I was trying to kill!”
36. Three men – an American, a Frenchman, and an Englishman – were comparing their pocket knives during lunch break at an office.
“American steel is best,” bragged the American as he showed off his large titanium folding knife.
“No no, French craftsmanship can’t be beat,” retorted the Frenchman as he displayed his fancy custom-made carbon steel knife.
The Englishman just smiled as he pulled out a tiny Swiss Army knife and said, “At least mine comes with a bottle opener!”
37. The year was 1950 and a salesman was making his way door to door trying to sell fancy new electric carving knives to housewives.
When one middle-aged lady answered, he gave his usual pitch about how the knives could perfectly slice a roast in seconds without any effort.
The woman listened politely but didn’t seem very interested. When he finished, she just smiled and pulled an old pocket knife out of her apron pocket. “Son,” she said, “this here knife belonged to my grandmother and it’s worked just fine for our family for 70 years. I don’t think we’ll be changing traditions anytime soon.”
Seeing he wasn’t going to make a sale, the salesman thanked her for her time and went on his way.
38. A seasoned outdoorsman finished building a log cabin by hand out in the wilderness. When he was chinking the cracks between logs with mud at the very end, his pocket knife fell out of his pocket right into the thick mud without him noticing.
The next spring when the mud had dried out, he took his axe and split open those log cracks to retrieve his trusty old pocket knife. And after a little polishing, it was as good as new!
39. One day a father was teaching his young daughter how to safely use a pocket knife as he whittled away at piece of wood.
When she asked what he was making, he responded, “I’m carving our family name into this block of wood so I can hang it above our doorframe when I get home. That way everyone will know who lives here.”
The daughter thought for a moment and then said, “But Daddy, why do you need to use the knife for that? Can’t you just write our name in chalk above the doorframe instead?”
40. On Thanksgiving day at my grandparents’ house, all of us kids were playing out in the yard when one of my cousins said, “I bet none of you can hit that big oak tree with your pocket knife from here!”
My brother scoffed and said, “That’s easy, just watch!” And he promptly whipped out his knife and hurled it with all his 12-year-old might towards the tree trunk.
We all watched breathlessly as the blade flew end over end through the air…and plunged straight into Grandpa’s prize winning pumpkin, completely ruining it right before dinner!
41. A seasoned game hunter returned home with interesting stories from his latest adventure in the Alaskan wilderness. His friend asked him if he had taken down any big game.
“Nah, didn’t get anything this trip. But my pocket knife sure did!” he replied. Seeing his friend’s confused expression, he explained, “Fell into a raging river white water rafting and got swept away for miles. Only way I survived was by stabbing my knife into logs and rocks to stay afloat whenever I slammed into the riverbanks!”
42. Three long time friends named John, Dave, and Jim had been meeting every week at the corner pub for over 30 years without fail. Over the decades, the rickety old table they always sat at had been carved with their initials from when they were young lads.
When the pub finally changed ownership, the first thing the new owner did was try to refinish all the old scarred up tables. But when he got to the one carved up by the three elderly friends, he just smiled and left it alone since the carvings had so much heart and history.
43. Two young boys at summer camp were arguing about whose dad’s pocket knife was better, since both were avid collectors.
“My dad just got a rare 1940s Case XX with rosewood handle!” bragged one.
“That’s nothing, my dad has an 1830s Bowie knife hand forged by James Black himself!” retorted the other.
Just then a third camper walked by and scoffed, “Pfft, big deal guys. MY dad owns the factory where they make Swiss Army knives!”
44. On the first day of deer hunting season, I always kiss my pocket knife for good luck before heading into the woods. And it must work because in over 35 years, I’ve never been skunked and come home empty handed!
45. An elderly man slowly made his way up the narrow trail leading to an incredible scenic vista overlook. When he finally reached the top, frail and out of breath, he sat against a rock and pulled out a small pocket knife.
With shaking hands he gently carved the initials of his beloved wife of 60 years who had recently passed away into the tree trunk next to him. Then he gazed out quietly over the beautiful mountain valley with tears in his eyes.
46. Two rival Wild West gunslingers met in the dusty main road for an old-fashioned quick draw pistol duel. As they stared each other down, hands ready hovering above their holsters, an innocent bystander started to step between them to try and stop the madness.
But before he got close enough, the two men both drew their pistols lightning fast! Bang! Bang! They…both collapsed to the ground. Turns out their pocket knives had fallen open in their pockets and they had accidentally stabbed themselves instead of shooting each other!
47. Johnny’s parents were worried because he had recently shown interest in joining a rough street gang. One day his dad approached him and said, “Son, if you want to act tough impress that pack of hoodlums, I understand. Here, take this pocket knife to show off.”
Seeing the unexpected gift, Johnny rethought his choices and realized his parents just wanted the best for him in life. So he declined the knife and decided not to fall in with the wrong crowd after all.